I hate today...trigs - SI mentioned
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| Mon, 10-24-2005 - 8:14am |
Its my birthday and you do not have to say happy birthday to me. I hate my birthday. It comes from hating who I am, I am supposing. I am depressed. It started yesterday. I don't care about today, and I wish it were over. I should have stayed home today and not come to work. But I did, oh freaking joy.
So, yesterday I start crying out of the blue. I knew it was going to happen. I get depressed every single birthday. Have every since I was 16, on my sweet sixteen party. I don't wonder why. I hate who I am. I hate who I have become. I feel like a loser. I am 35 years old today and what am I? I cannot pay all my bills and make it through the entire month without going completely, and I do mean completely broke. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of everything. Meds, money, BP, being overweight, EVERYTHING, no car, no savings, no nothing. Yes, I am a loser at what I try to do.
I'm thinking of school????? What in god's name makes me think I can go back to school????? I can barely do what I'm supposed to freaking do now!!!! What the hell am I thinking? That's just it, I don't think!!! My BP brain is so messed up, that I don't think straight...I have other disorders that I don't really discuss here on this board. One of them isn't really a disorder, but anyway, I got drunk Friday night...really drunk, and the first thing I wanted to do was 'self-injure'. I wanted to cut. I wanted to really cut. My dh stopped me...he let me talk about it all I wanted....so maybe all this started then...I don't know...I still have the urges.
You all think I'm so strong...sometimes all I want to do is just lay down and give up! I pretend I'm okay, and I pretend that for your sakes sometimes...so you'll be okay. I want all of YOU to be okay, and I don't care about myself one bit. I care about YOU. Today is one of those days.
So, my son begs me yesterday not to go back on ADHD meds...he says it will make him not eat...and he is right. It will suppress his appetite. I hate meds too...I know he needs them, and I hate to say NO, you're taking them...but it broke my heart. I did this to my kid! That's what hurts the most of all. He got this from ME. Not anyone else. ME. Its my fault and I can't get over that. He's already a thin child. If he doesn't eat A LOT, he can't keep playing the sports he loves because he's too thin as it is...he's very tall, 6 foot something, at 14...but he's thin...he has to eat a lot...
God...

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oh ((((Keli))))
I was all ready to start this big post about your bday...try to make is special.
I'm so sorry you are having a crappy day...god only knows I know how that feels.
You are strong, and you do care about yourself....you are letting the bp take over today.
God could not be everywhere, so
we love you
h loves you
ds loves you
i'll bet i can name more than a dozen other people
you are NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT a loser.
hey...
i'm FORTY FOUR & in the same boat as you & you can bet i don't like birthdays much either.
as for your son...the eating before meds is a good idea & so is.....milkshakes...you can't go wrong w/ milkshakes & there's no easier way to get down calories.
Keli:
I was planning on just waiting and calling you tonight, but this cannot wait.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY - you deserve to have a Happy day!!!
As for Mike - yes, he is thin. BUT, a LOT of boys his age become very thin because they grow so dang fast. And you did NOT make him ADD...there are a lot of kids that are add/adhd who do not have a parent with bp. Check into different options for meds for it - ritalin isn't the only one any more. My niece is taking concerta for hers, and has had no side effects.
I know you don't like yourself, and it is NOT YOUR FAULT. ANY of it. Not the stuff that happened to make you hate yourself, not your BP, not your son's issues, not your feelings about yourself. It isn't. The ONLY thing you can take responsibility for is how you DEAL with those feelings. You can rant and rave - and sometimes we need to do that. Friday night was probably theraputic on some level for you, considering you had Eric there to keep you safe. Now you need to deal with these issues.
You are going to NEED to continue your therapy with tdoc, and the EMDR (or whatever it was). I know you are afraid of it, and don't think you are ready to deal with that, but you must. From what you have said about it before, in Sept, it is going to be the best and easiest way for you to deal with some of these issues, and to start down the road to healing....and you REALLY do deserve to heal these wounds.
I am still planning on calling you tonight. You DESERVE special attention and a good birthday and happy thoughts. You ARE a very strong person, and you know it, you just are stuck on the stupid BP trip we all take from time to time. Don't let the BP confuse you into thinking these thoughts are true.
I love you!
Tracey
((((((((((((Keli))))))))))) Sweetie, you do NOT have to apologize to us or feel like you have to put up a front of being fine or strong. You are bipolar! Not one person here expects you to be perfectly stable all the time........if you were, we'd be huntin' you down trying to take whatever it is your takin' ;) LOL! Seriously though, don't worry about that.
Right now you are going through sooooo much with your own issues, ds, and just every day life then your bday on top of it. I know what you mean about not wanting to celebrate it. My kids always make a huge deal of it, but if it were left up to me, it'd just be another day in the year with no significance whatsoever. I know where you are at on this one girlfriend!
As for school, don't make me come down there and walk you to class young lady! You are going to go back and you are going to get your degree! Yes, it's hard, and time consuming and all that, BUT (and this is important) it is for YOU! Not for dh, not for ds, not for work, not for anyone but Keli! And sweetie, that is so what you need right now. Don't change your mind on this one. Trust me on this.
I'm afraid I can't help much with DS and the meds thing. But, Donna had some good advice. Talk to pdoc and see what he/she thinks. And if DS is still giving you a hard time about the appointment, tell him the reason it's necessary is to find meds that work, that don't take his appetite away. Maybe that will get him to cooperate. Just a thought.
Hang in there girl!
Thanks, Donna...I'm sorry I ruined your plans! I appreciate you so much for thinking of me this morning.
I hate BP.
I want to go home and get in bed and stay there all day...its very windy and cold here today, only in the 50s and the wind is UP from the hurricane (not too bad though). Its a perfect day to be at home. I'm bored at work, not a lot to do today, and I just wanna go home. I just might do that later. I left early Friday though, but I don't feel good, I really don't feel good.
Love ya,
keli
Thanks, Susie!
I know, I know, people here do love me, and I thank you so much for reminding me of that...its just hard sometimes to remember that when you get so depressed, ya know?
How are you doing?
Love ya,
Keli
I love you, too...very much! I've missed you a great deal these past 5 weeks. I'm so happy for you too, that your life is so full of happiness...and I've been doing really well too...this is just a small setback and I know its stupid BP STUPID STUPID STUPID BP!
Its just got me in a whirlwind today and I need to ride it out and I know it will go away.
Thank you so much for your post to me. I needed it. You always are there for me when I need you most. I would have called you if it got much worse. I'm still in control.
Meds are working, this is just all situational.
Weather is HORRIBLY windy and cold here...in the 50's...cold for us...the sun is out though...
I know Mike will be okay...I just hate it all so much for him...you know what I mean.
I'm fighting going home and getting in bed and staying there all day, but I'm not going to do it...at least not right now...lol.
Talk to you later tonight.
Keli
Thanks, Traci!
I appreciate you and your friendship and your post very much.
I hate BP! You know exactly what I mean, I know.
I will check back in soon.
Thanks again!
Love ya,
Keli
Keli,
I know I am a bit late and everyone already posted every single thing I wanted to say, so I will just say this, by 11:00 am, you had 5 people post here worried about you and encouraging you. I know you know how much we all love you and on days like this you tend to forget...but thats why we are here to remind you. We love you very much and I know that there have been times when something you said has pulled me through a hard time, and its the same for everyone else too. You mean a lot to all of us. So try not to let this get control of you, you are stronger than that whether you realize it today or not.
I am with you on going home today :) School got cancled down here and I am gonna wake up DH and make him take us somewhere because its FINALLY not hot. YAY!!!!! I love weather like this, too bad it only happens after hurricanes :)
Love you
Rebekah
Keli, I know you aren't happy about your birthday. I am happy about your birth. If you weren't born then I wouldn't have such a good friend. This board is the only friends I have and I am thankful for you.
This is a set back from the bp. You will get through this day.
Let your son know he has to go to his pdoc appt and that you all will find a med that won't cause him not to eat. The milkshake idea is a great one and eating before he takes the med.
Keli, about school, I wouldn't give up on that. Your having
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