I hate today...trigs - SI mentioned
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| Mon, 10-24-2005 - 8:14am |
Its my birthday and you do not have to say happy birthday to me. I hate my birthday. It comes from hating who I am, I am supposing. I am depressed. It started yesterday. I don't care about today, and I wish it were over. I should have stayed home today and not come to work. But I did, oh freaking joy.
So, yesterday I start crying out of the blue. I knew it was going to happen. I get depressed every single birthday. Have every since I was 16, on my sweet sixteen party. I don't wonder why. I hate who I am. I hate who I have become. I feel like a loser. I am 35 years old today and what am I? I cannot pay all my bills and make it through the entire month without going completely, and I do mean completely broke. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of everything. Meds, money, BP, being overweight, EVERYTHING, no car, no savings, no nothing. Yes, I am a loser at what I try to do.
I'm thinking of school????? What in god's name makes me think I can go back to school????? I can barely do what I'm supposed to freaking do now!!!! What the hell am I thinking? That's just it, I don't think!!! My BP brain is so messed up, that I don't think straight...I have other disorders that I don't really discuss here on this board. One of them isn't really a disorder, but anyway, I got drunk Friday night...really drunk, and the first thing I wanted to do was 'self-injure'. I wanted to cut. I wanted to really cut. My dh stopped me...he let me talk about it all I wanted....so maybe all this started then...I don't know...I still have the urges.
You all think I'm so strong...sometimes all I want to do is just lay down and give up! I pretend I'm okay, and I pretend that for your sakes sometimes...so you'll be okay. I want all of YOU to be okay, and I don't care about myself one bit. I care about YOU. Today is one of those days.
So, my son begs me yesterday not to go back on ADHD meds...he says it will make him not eat...and he is right. It will suppress his appetite. I hate meds too...I know he needs them, and I hate to say NO, you're taking them...but it broke my heart. I did this to my kid! That's what hurts the most of all. He got this from ME. Not anyone else. ME. Its my fault and I can't get over that. He's already a thin child. If he doesn't eat A LOT, he can't keep playing the sports he loves because he's too thin as it is...he's very tall, 6 foot something, at 14...but he's thin...he has to eat a lot...
God...

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I'm sorry you're having a rough day, but it is still call for a celebration, because it was the start of
Oh Keli...yes, birthdays suck but have a good one anyway (I'm almost 10 years older than you...that's something to feel good about!!!).
Your presence on this board is a mainstay and we all thank God for you here. Sometimes the very best way to get over our own problems is to help others, and that's certainly what you're about. We totally appreciate it.
Financial problems??? Who doesn't have them. I don't mean to make light of it, but I'm a bankruptcy attorney and I'm completely overwhelmed with clients. The economy these days makes it impossible for all but the most highly compensated folks to run a household and break even at the end of the month. Forget about saving anything...
For me, birthdays are one of the only days of the year that I sit down and unconsciously take inventory of where I am in life (the other day is New Years Eve). Everytime it makes me sob. That's not because I haven't achieved anything in life, it's because I don't think we ever achieve what we really hope for, or what we "think" will make us happy. Add the BP to that, and honey, you're chasing your tail. This disease sets us up to feel like "losers," except for those manic stages when we can save the world all alone.
Hang in there and try to forget its "your special day." We love you every day and so do the other people in your life. Love and hugs, Mo.
I am so sorry you are having a sucky birthday. I wish I could do more than offer cyber hugs. Do not ever feel like you have to be strong for me. All I ever want from the board is honesty so I know I am not alone and I hope you know you are not alone. I love you, as does everyone on this board.
Happy Birthday.
Missy
Well tough, Happy Birthday.
I am so sorry to hear that you don't like yourself. I know I don't like myself either. I wish I could change that, especially for you. I don't care about myself.
I think you could go to school if you wanted, but maybe now isn't the time.
Perhaps there is a different med for your son.
Sorry about the short form letter :( I am so useless.
Love you lots
Thank you Rebekah!
I appreciate your words very much. You bring me much wisdom, and reality many times at just the right time.
Love and Hugs!
Keli
p.s. its too cold for me here in the FLA
Tina,
Thank you honey! I love you so much, my friend! We've been through so much together during the years, you and me! We'll always be true friends and always get each through the hard times, I promise.
You hang in there, you hear me?!?!?!?
Get to drawing, too, missy!!!
xoxoxoxoxo
Keli
Thank you Marci...you know me well enough by now to know I'm not giving up! Not on school, and definitely NOT ON STUPID BP!
I appreciate your firm lovingkindness and concern for us here on the board, even when you aren't feeling well. We love you here.
Keli
Thanks MO!
How are you doing??? Its so good to hear from you.
I appreciate your words very much...I needed to hear that I wasn't alone.
Love you too,
Keli
Thank you Missy!!!
We are strong for EACH OTHER! Okay?
I love you too, honey.
Keli
Amanda,
I am posting to you separately.
Love you,
Keli
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