I am so frustrated!!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
I am so frustrated!!!
3
Mon, 10-24-2005 - 1:00pm

I saw dh online this morning so I IM'd him asking when he was hitting the road. He then called me and said he's not coming today, that he was on the phone when I IM'd him as he is trying to reschedule his assessment.

I asked why & he said it was complicated. I reminded him he said he didn't want to lie anymore and anything I ask he'll tell me, so why could he not come home.

He said it was because he has promised his girlfriend's husband he'd help him move out of the house at 5PM. I told him he needed to put himself first and they need to understand he needs to get into treatment now, not later.

He said he is not the priority. I said well then who is the priority? He said our son is. I said, well by not coming back you are not putting our son as a priority but his girlfriend & her husband.

Then I mentioned that in the past 2 months everytime he is about to get help he runs away. That he keeps telling me he is doing what he needs to do to get better, but running away does not make that so. That he is not putting Liam first because every day he is out of treatment the more damaged his body becomes. Then he hung up on me.

(The doctor called last week, there is body damage, especially in his liver - they did say if he stopped drinking now it would only take 6 mos to repair.)

I feel so helpless!!!




"Only when we are sick of our sickness shall we cease to be sick."

~ Lao-Tzu, from The Tao Te Cheng
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 10-24-2005 - 1:14pm

Hey honey...I really really really hate to say this, but in this case, you ARE helpless...both in the alcholism and the Bipolar stuff. You have to let go and move on with or without him at this point and let what happens happen.

I feel absolutely terrible saying that to you, but you need to hear the truth, in my opinion, and the truth is plain and simply that he will NOT get help until he WANTS to get help and by his running every time he is supposed to GET help, that shoots red flags all over the place!

Move on...you and your son...move on. If things happen to where he is able to join you and be the husband you need to and take responsibility for HIS OWN ACTIONS, fine. If he can't do that, then you will have done EVERYTHING you could for him.

There is a such thing as being manic and then there is a such thing as being manic and getting the help you need that's being offered to you to save yourself and the life you've created and the lives you are about to destroy.

Please please please don't let him bring you down with him.

I know this is so very hard for you. I'm so sorry its not turning out the way you planned for it to.

If we can help, please let us know. Feel free to vent any time.

Hugs,

Keli

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2005
Mon, 10-24-2005 - 1:49pm

I was pretty much going to say what Keli did.

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God could not be everywhere, so

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Mon, 10-24-2005 - 2:17pm

Recovering addict/alcoholic here: there's nothing (underline and capitalize n-o-t-h-i-n-g) you can do to facilitate his recovery. Addiction/alcoholism is the essence of self-centeredness. He's not thinking clearly, he doesn't care. In order to care, he'd have to get sober.

The best you can do at this point is pray for him, pray that he gets it. Addicts/alcoholics need to hit bottom. What exactly that means is a personal thing, but we don't get help until WE'RE ready.

I've never been married to an addict/alcoholic, but I imagine that it's extremely painful. I grew up in an alcoholic household so I know the kind of havoc and heartbreak it wreaks. Easier said than done, I know, but you're going to have to detach with love and let him come to terms with the disease in his own way.

Big hugs, and I'll say a prayer for him. Love, Mo.

mo 7-18-10