How did you come to terms?

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Registered: 04-08-2003
How did you come to terms?
4
Tue, 10-25-2005 - 9:34pm

I've read, especially in a manic phase, people cannot admit they are BP. If this is the case how did you come to terms you are BP?

My MIL was diagnosed with it. My dh never really learned about it & simply blamed her for the things she did to him. Ergo, he does not want to be BP himself or he'll have to admit he's like his mother. My MIL also never stuck to meds and died 8 yrs ago at the young age of 48 (1/2 gal Whiskey & 1/2 bottle Zoloft).

Dh is being assessed Thur 10AM at an addictive center as he's been drunk since Sep 4th. A few days ago he said he would tell the councelor he's BP, now he's saying he'll 'talk' to the councelor about life, but not mention BP b/c he doesn't know he is.

Now, he's had 2 psychiatrist already try to medicate him for it. The 1st pdoc (7 yrs ago when I had to lock dh up) said it would take a year to evaluate, at least that is what dh told me. He didn't stick with it for more than 2 mos. Then the last one, about 1-2 yrs ago said he wasn't sure if he was BP or ADHD so put him on some meds that were supposed to help with both. Dh said the meds did nothing for him & he stopped.

These past 2 mos has not been my dh. Facial features, voice, general expressions & sounds he makes, obsessions sought, lies, remembering things differently (for example says when he took my virginity 14 yrs ago he raped me - I was there, he didn't rape me, but he insists he did), lapse of memory - even from an hour before, crying & putting pills in his mouth, spitting them out & says he chooses life, look into his eyes and they are blank - cold, not warm like usual, complains he's hardly slept in this time, confuses our 3yo play as crying & yelled at ds for the 1st time ever, just simply treating ds differently & complaining he doesn't like his age - where ds has not changed & what used to make dh laugh annoys him now, etc.

I've talked to 1 of my pdocs (about 7 yrs ago) & 1 doc I saw from a panic attack (about 2 yrs aog) about how he cycles (which I didn't realize at the time where most likely hypnomania) and both had told me it sounded like BP.

.....or am I reaching to accept this affair he's having? An excuse to take him back when he realizes what a mistake he's made?

One night during this phase talking to him and he seemed so unreal. So at first I thought it was alcohol delusions. Then I looked into midlife crisis & was convinced that was the problem. It actually took me nearly the entire 2 mos before I began to believe it is BP. I just never realized BP could be so strong. Not after 14 yrs of nothing to this extreme (except for the incident 7 yrs ago, but went into care easily).

Then the thing that was most confusing was we were intimate one night, I left town following morning, with him stating he was scared to be alone, had a bad feeling, then I come back a week later to another person. I could actually feel it while out of town & we talked on the phone. But again, figured it was the alcohol.

Sorry to drone. I'm just so confused. BP feels right, but then, I question myself wondering if I'm just finding any excuse for this behavior.

Oh yea & then his drug choices are interesting: alcohol, cocaine (which he was using 7 yrs ago & in highschool), pot & cigarettes. From what I read those are the most common with BP.

TIA if you share your story.

Bonnie




"Only when we are sick of our sickness shall we cease to be sick."

~ Lao-Tzu, from The Tao Te Cheng
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Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 10-26-2005 - 7:43am

I too didn't accept BP at first either, not after my diagnosis, and I didn't take the first round of meds given to me...but i KNEW i was BP. Admitting I was BP was the problem. If I denied it, then I could carry on as is, and the party didn't have to end. I didn't have very many depressive cycles way back then...four years ago doesn't sound like such a long time ago, but just try living a day with BP, and four years ago is a lifetime ago...my drugs of choice were in this order: cocaine, ciggarettes, and marijuana...in that order. I did a LOT of all of them...the cocaine and mania caused my life to come crashing down around me...and crashing down it did...it caused me to do things now that make me cringe...i can't talk about those things...just suffice it to say, i know exactly what your dh is going through...i too was a different person...my whole BEING has changed...everything...from the way I act, look, dress, speak, carry myself, think, EVERYTHING! Mania is evil when it gets that bad. You're so high that you don't know what you are doing...at least that is what I experienced...but life was GOOD! I had no problems...it is a true euphoria...

Why would I want to medicate myself and stop that, ya know? That's why I didn't take the meds the first time. I used to take diet pills (the real ones, when they were still legal) and Prozac together, so I would STAY manic all the time...it worked...but I paid a HEAVY price, and I never want to EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER go through that again. It took me all of about 6 months to crash completely, another 6 months to try meds upon meds upon meds and end up in the psych ward for treatment.

That's why I tell you you HAVE to go on with YOUR life...my dh did, though I didn't know at the time that that is what he was doing...luckily we were able to come back together later after I started getting myself together...I won't promise you that once he gets treatment that that will be it...no more mania...that isn't how it works...

Education is key in treatment of Bipolar Disorder...you have to KNOW what his triggers are, but he has to learn them first. Certain things will trigger a mania, and certain things will trigger a depressive cycle...you have to know when those happen what they are, and (wishful thinking sometimes) how to deal with them.

Being Bipolar isn't easy. Its very tough. Even those of us who've dealt with it now for years struggle to this day, all the time! We get sick of dealing with the mood swings, it sucks to not know what mood you are going to wake up in every morning. And if you rapid cycle, like some of us do, your mood can change as quickly as hourly, or even more quickly than that.

He's in denial right now...and there isn't a damn thing you can do about it, and you must go on with your own life...once he comes to terms with it, IN HIS OWN WAY, you can be there for him, IF YOU CHOOSE TO BE. It won't be easy. It will be VERY difficult, every day. My dh is VERY VERY patient, and even he gets really sick of me sometimes. I get sick of me sometimes. I don't act out anymore. Haven't for a couple of years now...If I get manic, it doesn't last long because I rapid cycle now. I'm off drugs. Still smoke those blasted ciggarettes and drink too much coffee! I work full time still. But that's about it. My life is slow and I like it like that for the most part. I have no surprises, no excitement anymore...but I don't think I could handle it anymore.

So, you see, it CAN get better. It did for me, as far as the manics go. I still cycle with my Bipolar and I still struggle. But for me, the party is over.

I really do admire you for learning everything you can, a lot of people don't care to.

Hugs, Hugs, Hugs!

Keli

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2005
Wed, 10-26-2005 - 9:04am

Bonnie


as for the choice of drugs..many adhd people use/used them also....you got one right here.


its the high we look for...its the stimulation.

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Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 10-26-2005 - 9:26am

Donna,

When my pdoc found out I'd been dxed with ADHD too, she finally understood why I kept saying that's the only way I could get my brain to STOP was when I did the cocaine...she never understood that before...she said AHHHHH, now I get it...the stimulation...

Course, she won't rx me ADHD meds yet...not until I get stable...it still sucks cuz I have such a hard time with focus...but I deal with it as best I know how...no drugs, though...

I'll always be an addict...just a clean one...

I had to "lose" many friends...so called friends is more like it...I loved them, but they were waaaaaay too toxic for me, waaaaay too tempting for me...

In fact, I just got a phone call yesterday from my best friend from that time in my life and she said she is moving back to town...scares me to death.

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Registered: 04-06-2005
Wed, 10-26-2005 - 9:32am

Keli


did she ever think that maybe you are not stable b/c you are not taking meds for adhd????

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