Long...lots of trigs

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2005
Long...lots of trigs
2
Tue, 10-25-2005 - 10:45pm

Anyways, I just wanted to get that out of the way. I really need to get all this out and there will be some trigs in here...all sorts of them probably.

*****DONT READ ME IF YOU DONT WANT TRIGGERS******

Ok so...my DD started seeing a therapist recently, this was her 3rd visit. The therapist she is seeing was the therapist that her biological father saw for about a year when she was a baby, and I remembered that she specialized in child therapy so I found her and made an appointment for DD. I was so happy she was able to see her and we can get the insurance to cover it.

So on her first appointment, most of it I spent talking with tdoc about DD and DD's father(he's deceased so patient confidentiality doesnt apply anymore). I found out that he had Multiple Personality Disorder. She told me first and foremost it was not genetic, which was awesome to know. Then she was explaining to me about different things he and his others told her about me and the kids etc. etc. At first I was very upset because I felt guilty about treating him so badly, but one of his others was very violent and mean and extremely difficult to deal with, and I didnt know that it was something like that, because he had told me he was bipolar. Now I realize how much of a crock that was.

So anyways, I took DD there because she had been being very aggressive at school and she has been showing very affectionate behavior towards adult men, even strangers. So I was very worried about what could be going on with her. I was thinking it could be sexual abuse because of what I had read and heard about it at different times in my life, but I had asked DD about anyone touching her, and she always said no. So when I took her to tdoc she spent a few sessions talking and playing with her for assessment, and she said that she sees a pattern that shows its very likely she was sexually abused.

So when she said that, I was really upset but it was a little bit easier because he was already dead. I dont have to kill him. Tdoc told me that the best thing I ever did for my children was to leave him. When he was her patient, she was so worried about all of us that she used to come and visit us at our house to make sure we were ok.

Today she told me that my ex loved me and the kids very much and that one of the others loved the kids also, but that none of them ever mentioned me. I feel so confused about how to take all of this in. So much of my life I have spent hating him for the things he did to me and the kids, and now he is dead and I learn things I never knew and have to open up all those things from the past and look at them differently and I hate it.

I cant yell at him, I cant hurt him, I cant kill him, I cant do anything to him, he's gone. I can't get that release I need from that, and I cant talk to DH about this because he really doesnt understand at all. I was sad about it the first day I found out and I told him about it, and he acted like I never said a word...so now I dont say anything. It hurts so much and makes me so angry and sad and I feel guilty in some ways, I feel like I shouldnt have ever let DD go with him anywhere because I always suspected he might do something to her, but I thought since he wasnt doing drugs or drinking anymore and that if I ever wanted child support I would have to let him see them...and I didnt know what else to do, so I let him take them every few weeks for the weekend and never let him take DD alone so that DS could tell me if he saw/heard anything, and DS always said that he never saw/heard anything...but he was only 5..so how much could he really understand.

I feel like anything that happened to her is my fault, I should have been a better mother and said screw you, I dont need the child support money...but I did need it and I wanted him to be a good father, I didnt want to believe anything like this could have ever happened to her or DS or any other child, especially not from their father. I always suspected it was possible but never wanted to believe. I could have stopped it.

I dont know how to deal with this, I dont know what to think or how to react, and I cant really react anyways because the kids wont understand and DH wont understand, so I dont know what to do.

Rebekah

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 10-26-2005 - 7:57am

Hey Rebekah,

While I can't respond to much right now from your post, I did want to tell you ITS NOT YOUR FAULT!!! I promise you that. I know from experience. My SA stuff wasn't my own father, but it was an adult cousin that my mom and dad brought to live with us when I was 7. They too thought it was their fault. It wasn't. Its the abusers fault. Theirs and theirs only.

Much love to you and many hugs...give your dd a special hug too...don't tell her why, but its from me...

Keli

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2005
Wed, 10-26-2005 - 8:36am

oh hon..it is so not your fault...honestly, how could you know?

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