Question for those of you who are
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Question for those of you who are
| Sun, 10-30-2005 - 12:51pm |
married. Are you happy? My dh told me he is not unhappy but not really happily married either. He can't really pinpoint problems. He said he would like to go out more and he thinks it is hard with the ages of the kids right now. Of course, he also wants sex more (dont' men always, LOL). He said he did not know what to expect from marriage and maybe this is it. We don't live an exciting life. But we live an average life with an average marriage. We don't really fight much. We try to go on a date once a month. We have considered conseling, but neither of us really want to. We just aren't at that point yet. Dh likes his job, has friends and goes out. He says he is not depressed. Any ideas on what I can do?
Missy


This book has gotten some pretty good reviews. I bought it, but I think I bought it too late.
Your life sounds a bit like mine was and now dh is running away & I don't know if he's going to come back. I believe all marriages fall into dullness from time to time, but if he's expressing this then I think he's wanting it to change.
I say do it now, before it's too late. My dh did, but I was caught up in too many other things going on in my life.
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work : A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert (Paperback)
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0609805797/103-5788942-5719054?v=glance&n=283155&s=books&v=glance
Scroll down & read the reviews. This author is cocky so you need to get past that, but I think the workbook could really be beneficial to couples. We never got started on it as he was in the midst of an emotional affair which has now turned into a full-blown affair. So I cannot give my personal experience from the book.
Bonnie
"Only when we are sick of our sickness shall we cease to be sick."
~ Lao-Tzu, from The Tao Te Cheng
((((((Missy)))))))
I would take it as a very good sign that your husband came to you and said that he is concerned about your marriage. But in my opinion, what you are both feeling is just life. From my own experience and some things I have learned during my time as a sociology major, what happens in a relationship is that you go through the dating and the engagement and all of that time you are sooooo excited and happy and there are no real worries like kids and huge joint debts or anything else and the whole relationship up to then is looking forward to the wedding, and once you get married...all the excitement dies down and there is nothing to look forward too anymore because you already went through the "big event" its like the day after Christmas for a kid. You are all happy because you got all these presents and then the next day none of that matters anymore, but in a marriage, you cant look forward to the next year's celebration like you can Christmas.
Overall I think that you should let DH know that how he feels is very normal, and that alot of it can and will go away once the kids are older, but he has to realize that its never going to be like it was before you married. That part of time has passed and he has to make use of what he has, and learn to love it and live with it.
Its good that he talked with you, I think maybe you could both sit down together and talk about what you expect from eachother and what you like/dont like and make a list of the important things you want/need from eachother and go through those and work out solutions to them.
You might not like what I am about to say, but it is my opinion, I personally think that its good to give your husband sex when he wants it, even if you dont, as long as its not some reason like you are sick or its painful or some other problem. We have to make sacrifices for our marriages sometimes, and this might be one of them. I dont mean that EVERY time he wants sex he should have it, but he should have a yes much much more often than a no. And dont think just because he says "I dont want you to if you dont want to" that you are off the hook. All that means to them is, "I dont want to know that you dont want to". I have heard a few times that when you refuse sex for your husband, that it makes him feel the same as we feel if we said "I love you" and he says "mmmhmmm" or nothing at all. It hurts their ego, makes them feel inadeqate and like we dont love/respect them like they want us to. And besides, I dont know about your DH, but its only a few minutes, if it makes him happy and he feels good about himself after, then its ok with me. LOL...sorry that sounded horrible, but its true.
Rebekah
i do feel bad for my h in this situation & IF he wanted to leave i wouldn't even question it.
i love my husband but i am not in love with him.
i don't think we have ever been sexually compatable.
to ME anyway.
i do not like the way it feels when he touches me.
even my t says i do not HAVE to give in to sex if i do not want to.EVER
if i do i resent him for days.
& he knows it.
so i don't buy into that giving men sex whether you want to or not.
i DO do it every once in a while tho
because i never feel like doing it with my husband,but i'm not nessecarily trying to hang onto my marraige in the long run either.i NEED my husband around right now but i doubt after the kids are oldre that we'll still be together & i don't even know if he knows that.
does a man have sex w/ a woman when she feels like it & he doesn't?in my experience,no.
this is of course just my opinion
I think it all depends on where/what stage you are in.
God could not be everywhere, so
Mary (^_^)