Losing my way?!?!
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| Wed, 11-02-2005 - 4:10pm |
I think I'm losing my way in all of this. I've been questioning how my p/tdoc is handling me and I don't think I like it. Monday she told me that not only does she think I am BP 1 but BPD. Ok, anything else she wants to add!? I've bounced around on meds, Dh & I do not think they help my anxiety at all! We feel that is my worst symptom. Yes I am seeing things in the corner of my eye's again which is getting to me, a cause of great anxiety in me. I will not argue that it's quite possible, even logical that I am BP but my whole life I have functioned this way. Yes, there have been times where I was out of control but I always find my way back. I was that way until Sept of this year when I went on the lexapro, by the time February rolled around I was a mess and I believe it was the lexapro. Now my p/tdoc says that only happens to people w/ BP, ok whatever, I don't dispute that but if I fell of track why can't I can back on? The things she talks about, drinking at 14, being moody, aren't these things that so called normal people go through? Where does one begin and the other end? I just don't underestand this. I am in the mindset that since the drugs are not helping why be on them. I am quitting my lithium to see what happens. My p/tdoc knows as well as dh. Dh has promised to keep a close watch over me and do what needs to be done if it becomes necessary. I know p/tdoc doesn't approve but all she has taught me is to pop pills, nothing more. Our sessions are almost always totally about med management which makes me nuts. I am not getting therapy which I feel is very important. It's like, How are you? Ok, Well then lets move on to meds. BTW ~ The point about my seeing things started before I began weaning off of my meds. I will continue the lamictal for now.
I'm sorry, I'm all over the place which I know isn't a good sign either. As strong as my denial wants to be it can't win. As I said, I'm losing my way. I don't know where to turn or what to do at this point. A 2nd opinion is a good place to start, I know and I will get there.
Does anyone know where I am coming from in this mess of a post? I hope I didn't sound totally off the wall. I just have so many thoughts running in my head that I don't know where to start and where to end anymore.
Thanks for listening
Hugs & Prayers,
Danielle
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Danielle,
We all feel this way at some point in our journey's....BP is sooo hard to accept...the meds don't work perfectly, if at all...it takes years sometimes to find the right ones, at the right dosages, etc. Its a true roller coaster of emotions, moods, anger, frustration, and yes, even periods of denial. When the meds don't work, our first inclination is to say, well, then I must not be BP. But, like you said, logically, we know that's just not true. We want so much to believe it.
I'm there sorta, right now myself...and I've been doing this for YEARS now. I know in my heart that I'm Bipolar...that I rapid cycle...I don't want to be BP...but I can't deny it, if I truly look at the symptoms, without the emotional aspect thrown in.
Your pdoc is right...if the anti depressant caused you to "go nuts", you're Bipolar. They don't do that unless you are...my pdoc told me the exact same thing. It happens to me every single time.
Now, Lithium might not be the right drug for you...there are many others to try. I'm not sure what you've taken before. I went off Lithium myself, after it stopped working. I have a very hard time with meds because of my rapid cycling...anti depressants make it much worse, but I get the really low depressions...so its a catch 22 situation.
I've also been dxed with BPD. Its just another label, and one that I don't put much thought into. Its more behavioral than chemical.
As for your question about normalcy...yes, all 14 year olds have mood swings...heck for that matter, all people have mood swings...but they don't have the EXTREMES we do...they don't get out of control like we do...there is a very fine line between the two...if you overthink it too much, you'll be very confused, as you are right now.
You have to trust your pdoc implicitly.
Hang in there and keep us posted on how things are going!
Love and Hugs,
Keli
Thank you Keli.
I think the lithobid worked at first but now it's not. I'm sick of taking pills! I know it's stupid but I want to sleep in, not get up to take pills. Once I am up I can't go back to bed, that has already been suggested to me : ( My life feels run by pills & a therapist whom I'm not getting therapy from.
As you said "in my heart" Yes, In my heart I know the things she says are true but I do not want to accept them. I feel like now I'm a walking target, Can I get a gov't job now? Will I be limited due to my dx's? I don't want to be this at all. I'm sick to pieces of life kicking me. The story is too long so I wont' go there, come to the anxiety chat sometime and you'll see. I'm burned out on the whole thing.
Yes, I know lexapro was the cause of my hitting rock bottom last year. I also know what that means about my dx. The BPD is right on, there is no argument about that but honestly some of those traits I don't want to give up, sad I know but I suppose that's like not wanting to give up mania, not the fall after, just the mania itself.
After the lexapro I was on Seroquel which worked wonders except that my digestive tract couldn't handle it and it became life threatening to me due to my history of bowel obstruction. I'm on xanax, done klonopin and now she wants me to try neurontin which I won't take. I took it for pelvic pain before my
Hugs & Positive Thoughts Always,
Hi Danielle,
I am sorry to hear that you are in so much turmoil. I think that everyone that is BP or takes meds for chronic illnesses have thought the same things you are. I know I have. I have even gone so far as to have pitched all of my meds. Rick retrieved them, and I still refused to take them for days. It is really hard to be optimistic about your meds working when your emotions fluctuate constantly. About your t/pdoc, try to find someone else. Obviously you aren't getting the support and help you need so badly right now.
Hang in there, you know where to find me if you need me. I am always here to help you.
Huge hugs,
Thank you Cyn, I really appreciate it. I hate being like this. I know something is not right, I know my meds are not working. I'd say I started to deteriorate the beginning of August but everyone blamed it on my plastic surgery that was coming up. I knew better but no one would listen to me. I notice a difference between the name
Hugs & Positive Thoughts Always,