I was doing fine then...thousands of tears

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2010
I was doing fine then...thousands of tears
4
Sat, 12-18-2010 - 8:25pm

Day 13 and I went Christmas shopping. I was just fine yesterday and today until on my way home tonight and just burst into tears and haven't been able to stop.

Love, Sunshine Dedicated to living my new life with integrity, truth and positive thoughts! I am worthy of true love and definitely worth the wait!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2010

((((Sunshine))))

Honey, just let those tears come. Let them cleanse you from the inside. There's no shame in mourning the end of a relationship, even if it was a deceitful,

Oct. 12, 2010 -- began my personal search and rescue mission.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2010
Hello Sunshine,

I feel & hear your pain - I've been there. You may not be familiar with my story, but I spent tonnes, like tonnes of alone time with my xAP - 20-40 hours per week. We were close to one another families, or rather grew close in order to entrust them to each of us. I am most ashamed of this ... that I pulled our children into our horrific web.

Sure we loved being around one an other's children, sure made it hard when I went NC and had to answer questions about where my xAP and his family went. AWFUL. SHAMEFUL behaviour.

So - I totally understand the missing when it ends ... don't get me wrong. I understand how awful those first few breaks in the "US" routine happen. OUCH. Remember though, those times - those Saturday nights were stolen from his real life family. Did he have kids? They were missing out on their dad tucking them in. And his wife? Ya, lied to to make your special night happen. And those showers when they get ready to leave your bed, didn't it make you scream inside? Didn't your heart break each and every time he left your fantasy world to return to his REAL LIFE knowing you'd have to wait another 2 weeks? Every other Saturday night ... when the other 13 nights of the week were spent at home.

And when I thought of breaking NC, or responding to one his LAME fishing attempts, I read these few lines posted by Luvin:

"One thing that you have to keep reminding yourself....If he calls you, it's not because he left his W and wants to be with you....it's not because he loves you and can't live without you....it's not because he's so hurt and so concerned about your well-being. He's calling because he's selfish. He's calling to get his fix. He's calling to see if you still want him. He's calling because he doesn't respect you enough to let you live your life and find someone who will give you everything you deserve. He's calling b/c something's missing in his M and you were the filler."

These lines SOBER me up each time!

Please know that you're doing amazing - hanging with those tough feelings and trying to see them as something you can choose. You can think different thoughts. In the early days it's hard ... but don't give up on YOU.

Much Love,

TU.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2010

SUnshine<

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2009

Sometimes we need to have a good cry. It's very cleansing, and when you look at your face in the mirror with swollen red eyes and snot dripping from your nose, you will see just how pathetic this crying stuff really is. It always got me laughing afterwards. Okay, that's me..but try to use this image to snap out of it after the waterworks are over.

Saturdays were my day for having Xmm stop by too...at least during our first year. When those stopped, there was definitely a huge void/hole right in the middle of my chest. It hurt like h3ll, but guess what? I decided to find another P/T job that filled up my Saturdays and in a few short weeks, that became my new routine. It was then I realized that I was completely at fault, manipulating him so he would lie to his family as to where he went on Saturdays. I was behaving selfishly, putting him in a very compromising situation where at any given time, someone could have seen him entering my apartment for the afternoon. But getting my feel goods was so much more important at the time, so why would I care if he got busted? Yeah, that's love alright. Intentionally setting someone up for a D-Day because my needs were more important than his family's needs. I cringe now when I think about just how evil I was.

What do you do when you get a deep down HURT and MISSING him feeling? You sit there for 15 minutes and work through it. You then get up, shake yourself off, and go about your day. Start planning something else to do on Saturdays. Volunteer, find a P/T job, hook up with a GF and go shopping or try out a new restaurant. Have plans with your kids if they are around. Get reinvested in you RL. I know you are only in the beginning stages of healing, but establishing new routines will get you out of the old A junky mind set.

I was close friends with my Xmm too, for 10 years before we crossed the line. We talked about everything and he (I thought) was my rock, my go to guy. Well, hello? His W, I am sure, always believed that he was her go to guy, and had she known that some little harlot was stealing her H's time and solid advice away from her and her family, I am sure I wouldn't be sitting here now with my cushy litle job that gives me the financial security I need. It could have been the other way (which makes me shutter), that I could have destroyed her life and security as she knew it. This is HER H. You need to accept this too, and the sooner the better, as it will help to get you out of those little pity parties that rise up here and there.

<>

So get a dog. :smileywink: I went and got me a cute little kitten who is now all grown up and very demanding. Then my son moved back home, then a daughter, and now another cat has adopted us. Truthfully, I was more lonely while in my A than I am now, out of it.

Keep pushing forward and allow time to get your life back on track. As you said in your very first post, YOU should have ended this a long time ago. Keep remembering that when you have a down day. You've known for a long time that this had to end.

((Hugs))

Be where you are; otherwise you will miss your life. ~ Buddha