Is it just ME?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Is it just ME?
2
Thu, 11-03-2005 - 7:41am

It seems like I am the only one who ever goes through this stupid rapid cycling crap! Tuesday was bad...yesterday was too good...today is so-so, but depression is RIGHT THERE under the surface, trying to hit me in the face and that is almost worse that just being depressed...

I don't get it. Other people can take one medication and feel GREAT and be stable and wonderful and lovely...then there's me...nothing works for very long...I go through this constant cycling of my moods from really up to really really down and I am so tired of it. I have done this for 4 years now...when will it stop? Do I have to go through this for the rest of my life?

My pdoc is hopeful that the Lamictal will kick in at 200 mgs. I'm on 100 mgs now. But SHE HAS BEEN HOPEFUL ABOUT EVERY SINGLE MEDICATION I HAVE EVER TAKEN!

She said yesterday, oh, it looks like we are finally turning a corner. HA!

Not with me we aren't.

I was so up yesterday, feeling really good...like ME again...the ME i used to be...the ME i want to be again soooo badly...then I go to bed, and wake up Mr. Hyde all over again...I HATE IT SO MUCH! Bipolar has taken away so much of ME, so much of who I am, so much of my LIFE, and I'm so through with it...but its not that easy, is it??? Dammit, I wish I'd never ever ever ever started stupid meds and treatment!

I'm so overweight now...cuz of meds...I'm so broke too...I can't manage money properly, I don't have enough to pay my bills...I don't even care, but I'm really stressed because I only have one paycheck left til Christmas and my bills are ALREADY behind. OMG.

I'm sorry...I have to vent somewhere...I have to be angry somewhere...and maybe you guys can understand...this is NOT who I am!!! I've lost so much and I want it back! I want ME back...I don't want this fat, medicated, numb, crazy, never knowing what mood I'm in person anymore!

I am so angry about it today...

I am bound by meds and moods...and I'm sick of it...period. Its like being in your own self imposed prison and you know you can't ever get out...it sucks. I see life passing me by...I see everyone else living a normal life...and all I live is BP. Because when I rapid cycle, my moods switch from hour to hour sometimes and its so overwhelming...its taken over my life.

I'm really done and I don't know what to do at this point. In an hour my mood may change...but right now, I want to trash every pill I have...and get my life back.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2005
In reply to: keli003
Thu, 11-03-2005 - 7:51am

(((Keli))))


they need to treat the adhd...plain and simple.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
In reply to: keli003
Thu, 11-03-2005 - 8:05am

Keli, big (((((hugs))))) to you, first of all. Second, let me assure you that you are not the only one who is living with rapid-cycling right now. I was about to post pretty much the same thing you just did.

I can't seem to make a freakin' decision to save my life. Small decisions, big decisions, what to have for dinner, what to pack the kids for lunch, what to wear to work, whether to divorce my H or not, you name it. My mind changes minute by minute. And my moods are changing as well.

When I first joined this board I posted about a traumatic experience I had just lived thru that seemed to trigger an unmanageable manic episode that I can't quite seem to pull out of. Now, with my mind in a big jumble, I'm trying to make this decision about my marriage and I just can't. I change my mind constantly. I love him, I hate him. How could he have done this to me and my son? I want to move on while I'm still young enough. Who the heck is going to want to be with a single mother of a totally physically handicapped child? But I'm fit and still have my looks and I'm not getting any younger. But H makes alot of money. This is just a small sampling of the crap that runs thru my head on a minute by minute basis.

And I do think that my decision would drive a healthy person crazy. For me, its more than I can take.

I'm acting out on things that I think will soothe the mania (not drugs or alcohol because I'm in recovery) but other things and I'm not proud of that either. Unfortunately, some of them work, but they're really not good for me and they're causing harm.

I hate that I can't just live like a normal person without so much dialogue in my head. I hate that I can't make a freakin' decision, that my mind changes so often in the course of the day. I go to bed at night having divorced my H 5 or 6 times, married several other men, moved to a few other states, and switched careers. I hate it. I wish my mind worked normally because I can't keep up with this.

Sorry to have spent my entire response to you talking about me. I just wanted to show you that someone else is struggling every bit as much as you are, just with different sh*t. We'll both hang in there, Keli. Love, Mo.

mo 7-18-10