Is this common with BP?
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| Thu, 11-03-2005 - 2:19pm |
Okay, so I'm really struggling with some major issues in my life and some of them require that I make decisions. I can analyze all the information surrounding the decision, study it from a million different perspectives, but I can't seem to make the darned decision. And when I do make the decision, I change my mind within minutes, and then its back to square one. I'm paralyzed.
This does not affect my professional performance, it's purely personal. My feelings change minute by minute. I came to this board a few months ago having experienced some trauma in my life that triggered a manic episode. The trauma involved my H and as a result of his actions, I threw him out. Now I can't for my life figure out what to do. Do I want to remain in this marriage or get divorced? Only 2 choices here, right? I change my mind every few minutes depending on what's going on and how I'm feeling at that moment. How the heck do I ever actually take any action if I can't sit with my decision for any period of time without second-guessing myself?
I know this is a huge decision, but some people just seem so resolute when they decide to end their marriage. In my case, I'm sure many women wouldn't even be thinking about it - they'd just make up their mind to do it. But not me. I've gotten divorced and re-married like 3 times today and its only 3:15 p.m. And during that time I've met with 2 new clients and settled a case with all this swirling around in my head.
How will I ever get a grip on this all? Is it normal to be THIS confused? Does BP make it extra difficult to make big decisions? Is anyone still keeping up with me? Love, Mo. I'll shut up now.


I dunno about anyone else, but I am SOOO there...I do the same thing...with everything too...personal...I don't do it at work either...even with very simple things...like what to do with my hair, what to do this weekend...omg, those are HUGE decisions for me to make...one minute, I want to go see my friend Bonnie...the next minute, I say forget it, I don't wanna do it...then I do wanna do it...ugh. Its like that all the time! I don't know why...my brain is always zapping around so quickly that its hard to "wrap it around" any ONE thing for very long...
At work, I have so many different things going on, its easier.
Everything else, I second, third, fourth, and fifth guess myself to death...
You are NOT alone...I remember when I was going through something similar with my dh...I did the same thing...separated, wanted him back, hated him, loved him...had other bf's in the meantime...in the end, we got back together...but it was SUCH a struggle for me, because what he did seemed so bad at the time...looking back NOW, it wasn't as bad as I thought and made it out to be...I know YOUR situation is different and I am soooo not judging you with any decision you make...btdt and I relate to either decision! Sorry I know that's not much help!
I wish you peace tonight! I wish there was more I could do to help!!!
Love and Hugs,
Keli
Thanks so much for your replies, ladies. I'm so horribly confused. And yes, Keli, I can't decide what to do with my hair, my clothes, my living room, ugh. When I used to get manicures I used to stand there and stare and the racks of polish unable to pick a freakin' color. Sometimes I could convince myself that I wasn't going to wear the same color for the rest of my life, just for a week. That took some of the pressure off. I eventually stopped going. Now I have just one color I wear in the summer and one I wear in the winter, and I do my nails myself.
I do this in the food store - huge problem for me. I can't decide what to make for dinner, even if its just for me and the kids. I go food shopping and wind up buying all the wrong things. Rarely do I buy everything I need to make a single meal. I get so confused and overwhelmed by all the stuff in the store that I panic and just start throwing things into my cart.
Very frightening that I practice law, isn't it???? But there, for some reason, I have my head on straight and make really, really good decisions. Maybe because there are "rules." I don't know.
Thanks for identifying ladies. Maybe what I need to do is just not make any decisions right now, regarding my marriage. Keli, I'm so with you - the last time me and H separated I became deeply involved with another man. I ended that relationship when I reconciled with my H but the other man never entirely left my life. Now we're back in contact on a regular basis and he's not making anything any easier. With him too, I love him, I hate him, he's not successful, but he's so darned hot, he's funny, he's irresponsible, and the list goes on.
This is exhausting. Love, Mo.
OMG...
I do the same thing in grocery stores...its bad...have panic attacks all the time...just buy stuff stuff stuff! My dh has to make a list, and I have to go down the list one by one to get it...If I lose it, and panic, I leave...sometimes I've left a whole cart of stuff there!
And let's not go there about bf's!!! btdt too...they are soooooooooo hard to resist...but i have now for about 4 or 5 months...the one guy i still talked to was just that, someone to talk to on the phone with...the love of my life (or so I thought...) but we weren't sexually involved and hadn't been for a couple years...but we couldn't make that final break...I still think of him all the time, and I miss him...hate it too, cuz we were BAD BAD BAD for each other...fought and argued all the time...but he got me, and and i got him...but in another way we didn't...we either loved each other or hated each other with a PASSION! I have never loved someone as much as him, or hated someone that much either, all at the same time! He distracted me from myself...I think that is what I miss most of all.
See how my brain does that...the going back and forth thing??? It happens in almost every area of my life.
You are not alone in this...I've gotten so used to it by now that its almost funny...in a warped, sad kinda way...
Love ya,
Keli