Having a bad day today
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| Mon, 11-07-2005 - 5:48pm |
My grandfather (died about 9 yrs ago) had a 10,000 acre ranch which borderlines Zion's National Park. My mom, single, raising children on her own could not afford vacation, but at least we had the ranch. We'd go there 3-4 times each summer. I think it was one thing that kept my sanity in childhood. Something I always thought I would be able to give my children, single or not. This land is one of the most important things in my life.
Today I found out they sold it. I will never see it again. I will not be able to afford a cabin on my own, this would be something dh & his new love would be able to do (as this is also important to dh). Another thing they will be able to provide & I will not.
Then dh called today and asked me to find his remote controls. I've already boxed up his stuff up from his office/den so I had to try to go find them (seeing even if he comes home he is not allowed to work from home any longer & I need it as a playroom & an office for myself since I still work from home). While moving heavy boxes around I smashed my hand & squished my wedding band. I try to bend it back out & it broke in half. (Is this a sign? Broken like my heart?)
I've been hyperventalating & cannot even stand to have my kids touch me right now. I'm breaking down.
Bonnie

Bonnie,
I'm so sorry about your grandfather's ranch--I felt exactly the same way when my great-grandfather's farm was sold.
The ranch is being bought by family members. Basically, there are 9 children. My grandfather had the ranch as a corporation so it would be saved after his death. Meaning there needed to be a CEO & such. So 3 family members were the main owners and the other 6 were small owners. So the 3 main owners decided, without ever discussing it with the other 6, to buy them out.
So I could go back. But one of the main owners is actually having their son buy it. He has already bought land up there, subsidised it & built houses. So I think they are going to turn all that great land into neighborhoods. (Cousin is the founder & CEO of Jetblue airlines, he has the money to do this.) It will never be the same.
As for the ring. I told dh about it tonight & he quickly asked, well can it be fixed? So, I'm debating, should I go fix it on my own or ask dh to take it & when he's ready have it fixed & propose to me. He never actually proposed to me 11.5 yrs ago (which understanding BP better was during a hypomania phase, 3w engagement, prolonged a week on my mother's demand). Especially since our marriage, if it survives, will never be the same here and after. Before my ring broke today I was actually thinking we may want to redo our vows.
Starting to feel better. Not used to this emotional roller coaster. Have apt with doc on Thur I'm going on meds (if he thinks necessary as I'm still nursing). I need some control here.
Bonnie
"Only when we are sick of our sickness shall we cease to be sick."
~ Lao-Tzu, from The Tao Te Cheng
((((((((((Bonnie))))))))))))))
I'm so sorry...about everything.
God could not be everywhere, so