the post by Bodhi - what if...?
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the post by Bodhi - what if...?
| Tue, 12-21-2010 - 4:24pm |
I saw your post Bodhi about fantasy vs reality stuff. Thanks for that - and yes, some are true for me in terms of being stuck in secret, etc but I think what I have been struggling with is the fact that it wasn't/isn't so black and white for me.

Kindly, graciously, and truthfully put, unbreakme.
Sunshine...he has made his choice. He has chosen his wife.
It's heartbreaking, but it's true. His kindness and generosity were designed to elicit what he wanted from you. He may not have been a bad person, and he may genuinely have cared. But just not enough, hon. Not enough to make the changes he could have to be with you.
Don't go see him. Remain silent and remain true to yourself.
Hugs and love
xxx
Hi Sunshine -
Unbreakme's response was spot on.
My situation was pretty blatant in the fantasy vs. reality arena - not all are that way. Also remember that my A lasted 7.5 long, painful years. XAP wasn't always the way he was in the end - for the first several years he was closer to Mr. Wonderful. I can't remember how long your A lasted, but trust me, they all take their toll and the "honeymoon" ends.
I'm so proud of you for staying strong and NOT meeting up with him. Try creating your own fantasy vs. reality list - not necessarily pertaining just to xap, but to the situation itself and see what it reveals to you.
Love is to know and be known - not to be hidden away.
Bodhi
Hey Sunshine-
My XAP was not mean or rude either.
UBM,
You are so exactly spot on with your assessment!! I am so proud of you for seeing that and sharing that insight.
Sunshine, although my xAP and I were LD, he was also physically separated by distance from his family. So when we got together, I was able to have his undivided attention. He was never, ever unkind to me. We would stay in oceanfront hotels, have champagne, go to dinner, go dancing--and he always paid for everything. But it was all a ridiculous fantasy we were indulging ourselves in.
Hi Sunshine,
My EMM wasn't an @$$##@ either, he was always a gentleman to me, always respectful, loving, caring and warm towards me, he provided me with a lot of the emotional and tactile stuff i never get from my husband. He 'told' me many times that he chooses me over his wife, and would constantly 'tell' me that he loves me. He is very close to his children and did not want to be a weekend dad, that was his reasoning for not wanting out off his M.
When his W found out about us, and his life was threatened, he initially called the R off, but a couple of days down the track, and ever since, he wanted us to be back on again. In the beginning i interpreted that as him truly loving me, i thought 'wow he still wants to take that risk now that the chance of getting caught is greater, knowing that she wouldn't give him a second chance'.
It wasn't until i came across this board and i started to really educate myself on what exactly A's are, that i started seeing him in a different light, i started to be REAL about the situation, about his behaviour and mine. One phrase that really stood out for me on this board was where one poster wrote that 'yes they don't want to be a weekend dad because being with us and being with their children's mother at the same time is the 'perfect' relationship model to show their kids'. That really called home for me.
I also started to think about his W, i know i'm pathetic, it took me a year to think about this poor woman, she gave him this chance, gave him 20 years of her life, gave him children, worked, cleaned, cooked for him etc etc.......and he wants to continue the A??!!
So yes he was very loving, caring towards me but now i realise that it is ALL superficial, it's all on the surface, underlying is a lying, cheating, unappreciative person, and SO WAS I. Our affairs are based upon cheating, stealing and lying, nothing good can ever come out from that, it's simply WRONG.
Sunshine - this board, and the people on it are just incredible, I'm only 4 weeks NC and i heave learnt so much. Stay here with us, read at every opportunity and post when possible.
We are here for you.
All my love
V888
xxxx
Sunshine,
Unbreakme has it all down pretty well!
Sunshine, I just wanted to add...
Hi Sunshine,
My exAP was a nice guy to me too.
Nice guys give the woman he is M to the choice as to whether she wants to share her H. The OW may choose to share a man and might be quite content with sharing. She might even be comfortable being a second W, but if the W wants her H to herself and doesn't want to share him, yet he goes behind her back and sleeps with another woman he is not a nice guy. Nice guys don't lie and cheat to get what they want. At some point if you love him so much, don't you want to come out of hiding and meet his family? How can you truly love someone totally and not meet his children. Not taking his word for it but truly knowing the other ppl in his life who he loves. It's a fantasy because all you know about him he has to tell you. You have to take his word for EVERYTHING. All the bad things about his W, all the things about his family and everyone in his world you have to hear it from him because you are hidden from his real world. How can you not want his loved ones to know you? How can you spend nights knowing that he is laying next to another woman and sharing with her what he has shared with you? How can you make sense of him probably kissing on his W as well as other sexual things and within days or sometimes the same day