I'm back .It's been awhile. May trigger?
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| Tue, 11-08-2005 - 3:52am |
It's been a while since I've posted, I don't know if anyone will remember me. I having been trying to get on here and post for a long time now. Before I go into what has been going on let me tell you a little about me incase you are new or don't remember me. This may be triggering too. I'm not sure, if there is any change you could get triggered please don't read. This is also very long just to warn you.
My name is Stephanie, I am now eighteen. I have Bipolar disorder,major depression, school & social phobia. I am a recovered SIer and bulimic but falling back into the ED patterns but this time more the anorexia type but trying to get ahold of it before I am out of control. I was diagnosed bipolar when I was fifteen. I started developing my bulimia when I was 11/12 (6th grade) I starting self injuring at 12 yrs. of age during the summer btwn. my 6th and 7th grade year.
Okay now to what has been happening.--
January 2005 I went to the dr. for what we thought was a virus but the dr. thought it was my gallbladder he immediatley put me in the hospital and they found out I had gallstones and took out my gallbladder. Time went by I didnt get better, I got worse. I went back into the hospital-They did test after test couldn't find anything. (this is my third hospital visit) Finally the dr. was going to send me home, at this point I could not walk, see good, talk ,write and he was going to send me home. My dad said no that they were transfering me to OU medical center (the childrens hospital in Oklahoma City) and we were going to find out what is wrong, i was in no shape to go home. So I went up there. They did test after test. A week or two later and bags and bags of antibiotics later they finally came up with the conclusion that I had ecoli in my small intestines and had gotten serotonine syndrome from being dehydrated from being sick from the ecoli and my medicines (mainly the lithium i was on) turned toxic in me and poisoned me. By this point I still could not walk, talk, see well, write, I was seeing things, cows walking down the hospital halls and goats on my bed. I had to teach myself to write again and get a new prescription for my contacts and glasses. I had speech problems for months, we thought I would have to have speech therapy but it is better, I still say some words funny but it just sounds like I have a foreign accent.
In April 2005 I got my GED. I havent been able to attend regular school due to all my anxiety and stuff so I decided to do this instead and I ended up Graduating a year early. I am supposed to graduate in May 2006. )
October 6, 2005--I had exploratory surgery. Around the area where I had my gallbladder out I had been having a lot of pain so after a lot of pain pills and shots that did not help the surgeon who took out my gallbladder wanted to do exploratory surgery to check and see if I had adhesions or a hernia. It turned out that everything was perfect. He said that when he took out my gallbladder that something may have got moved out of place and when he looked around this time he could have moved it back in. At first after the surgery the pain was better. But now I still hurt. Not as bad, just more than I wanted to.
October 20,2005--I overdosed on 20mg of xanax. I was unconcious for a long time. They kept giving me shots for a long time to try to keep me awake because when you sleep and take that much xanax it can stop your breathing. I was transported by ambulance(it was going to be mediflight but it was at night and they didnt do it where I live at night) to a big hospital and I was in ICU overnight just to be watched. I am very thankful I am alive today.
The sad part is, that is like the 4,5 or 6th time I have overdosed this year. My problem is I dont cut anymore I overdose. I don't do it to kill myself..It more of an escape but I dont want it to be permanent. The bad thing is, is that one of these days if I do it again I might not make it to a hospital in time. I don't plan on doing it again, but when I get that thought into my head there is no stopping me.
But tonight I was proud of myself, I had thoughts of it and I went and told my mom and she stayed up with me until I felt better.
Sorry this is so long. I really miss posting here and I really don't have anyone to talk to who has been where I have. I really needed to get all that out. Sometimes just letting all out what has happend makes me feel better. I hope everyone is doing okay. I hope to be able to continue posting here regulary if that is okay with all of you.

I remember you sweetie! I'm so glad you decided to come back and post again...it helps to have an outlet, somewhere to talk where people understand what you're going through...
You have been through so much and I am proud of you for the way you HAVE handled it...now, as for the SI/OD stuff...when you start to have those thoughts, PLEASE come here, and WRITE the thoughts down...just write triggers in your title, like you did here...but write them down...then do some grounding exercises...that will help you feel more safe, more in the HERE and NOW, not lost in the past. We can help you...I know exactly how you feel...the pull of wanting to SI/OD...you don't want to die, you just want that relief, that escape for a few minutes...but, you don't have the luxury of that anymore, okay? Its reached the dangerous point for you. You have to use other mechanisms for that release. There are other coping techinques. They may not be as "good" as SI, but they are safe. Meditation, deep belly breathing...holding ice...those are all some I use to this day.
But the most helpful thing is coming to this board, and writing, and getting support from my friends here...we are not judgemental here...only loving, caring and understanding.
Love and Hugs,
Keli
Hi Stephanie and Welcome back !!!
I'm pretty new to the board..but wanted to say how sorry I am for all that you have been thru at such a young age.
God could not be everywhere, so
(((((Stephanie))))),
You certainly have been through the wringer the last few months, other health problems tend to really exaggerate the BP problems and as you unfortunately found out Lithium can really do a number on you if you get dehydrated.