dh says he needs to make decision soon

Avatar for firstglimpse
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
dh says he needs to make decision soon
3
Wed, 11-09-2005 - 4:16pm

Dh's cell phone minutes are up until the 15th so he came here to make calls (but said he was coming to see ds).

While here he told me 'you do realize I'm most likely not coming back.' So I felt I needed to talk & talk now. He said rationally he agrees with everything I say, but his guilt is too high to ever come back & his love for her too strong. I stated that the guilt will be life-long if he doesn't come back as we're forever connected due to the children. If he came back it is something he could work through.

Then his argument is he cannot end it with the OW because she is the ONLY support he has and if he does end it he'll die. I cannot be his support due to his guilt, most of his friends have cut him off & the ones who are still around are not supportive enough.

He does go into individual therapy tomorrow. I told him to talk to his therapist about this & she could tell him how he could end it with the OW and how to grieve. (Or that I could be wrong & the therapist will tell him to leave me.) Hopefully this is the one who can help him diagnose bipolar. He said it was, but I think she is a therapist & not a psychiatrist.

I told dh I believed that the hard times we've had lately are due to depression on both of our parts... chemical depression. If we both went on medication and worked on ourselves then we'd have a very bright future together. He immediately called our doc to make an apt for anti-depressants. I reminded him after if he's bipolar a/d could effect him the wrong way. He pointed out his apt is not until Tue & his therapy session is tomorrow so he'll know better before his doc apt.

I hope I didn't push too hard, but when he's leaning the other way I felt like I needed to say things I've been holding onto for over a month now.

I was kind, very respectful of the OW & his feelings for her, I acknowledge he is in a great deal of pain right now, I did say his feelings for the OW are surface right now as they are new & fresh, but his feelings for me are very deep, 14yrs deep. I also pointed out, ending it with her means he can really end it with her b/c she could be totally out of his life - but he can never actually end it with me as we are connected the rest of our lives due to our children. (This was after he said he would always love me.)

Now this is something he can communicate with the OW via email, but as he does not have any cell phone minutes left he cannot actually speak with her.

He did keep brining up she was coming to move in with him in a month. Then he was saying, 'how can I end it with her then?' Hello!!! You end it before that happens you nick-in-poop!

Hanging in there. Hope I didn't do damage today.

Bonnie




"Only when we are sick of our sickness shall we cease to be sick."

~ Lao-Tzu, from The Tao Te Cheng
Avatar for suziq_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 11-09-2005 - 6:03pm
why do you keep second guessing yourself?
why do you keep asking if YOU did damage?
what about the damage this man continues to do to you?
i'm getting tired of blaming it on his "illness".it's gone on for too long now.
forgive me.i'm about to be blunt here.
forget about being respectful & kind about OW.
hey you know what?i've been an OW & i still say **** her!
i really think it's time you STOP coddling this man like a child & tell him to put up or shut up & THEN when he starts treating HER like he's treating you & she kicks him out & he sees what he's REALLY been missing in you,maybe by that time you have found someone who really loves you for you or maybe not but maybe you won't want your husband back at all.OR maybe you will....but this is not an either you or her situation here.this is a PAINFUL situation that's not gonna stop when he's diagnosed or one of you wins the grand prize that is him.
i'm sorry.i really am.but i cannot stand to hear how this man emotionally mistreats you & then you ask if you screwed the meeting up.
give yourself some credit. & don't be his doormat...don't let him use YOUR phone & go home to her...don't let him tell YOU how much HE loves HER....ugh...no one deserves that..please.
Avatar for firstglimpse
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Wed, 11-09-2005 - 6:35pm

Respect: From what I've read online & what I've wittnessed in this relationshp, it's when I show disrespect he runs to her. I wasn't actually respectful of her ... but of his feelings for her. I didn't say one thing nice about her. But I also didn't say anything negative.

This is my plan:
I continue to be soft until Friday. Friday I see my therapist. Friday he said if he's not feeling better he'll check himself into a hospital. Friday is a day for him to think about his individual therapy appt.

If he does not have an answer by Friday night then I stop all contact on Saturday. I will have to figure out a way for him to see the kids as it's illegal for me to keep them from him - but I have to work out the details as I want somebody else here for pick up & drop off.

I've been waiting 2 mos for him to go into therapy. I've thought it is in therapy he'd wise up. I also wanted a time to be the tender loving woman he remembered after spending a month with her.

.....

No offense taken Suz ... I need to hear that!!!

Bonnie




"Only when we are sick of our sickness shall we cease to be sick."

~ Lao-Tzu, from The Tao Te Cheng
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 11-10-2005 - 10:50am

Bonnie,

I agree with Suzi...I've too been the OW...and I've also been in your situation too...

Its time to stop all the coddling, and move on...I like your plan for Friday being the last day...you gotta let it go at some point...he's telling you she is moving in with him...that his love for her is strong...yes, he WILL always love you...that's very true...but don't discount the depth of his feelings for her...

I'm sooooo very sorry for you...I wish you didn't have to go through this...but life is what it is...Its okay to remind him of the caring woman you are, but don't let him continue to manipulate you and the situation.

Hugs,

Keli