Well I screwed that up nicely

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2010
Well I screwed that up nicely
7
Wed, 12-22-2010 - 6:57pm

I have no idea what I was thinking - clearly I wasn't...I emailed him and said it was tough to be without him. Not content with that particular avenue of self-destructive behaviour, I then texted and asked him if he wanted to talk.

No reply to either, mercifully.

Just been down to the doctor and my blood pressure is high which is why I have these headaches. Going to bawl my eyes out on the couch now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2010
Wed, 12-22-2010 - 7:04pm
I'm sorry. Pick your head up. It isn't easy, but you learned something. It might be just the right thing to learn right now. And don't forget, it isn't anything against you. Somewhere you broke someone's heart. You aren't a loser or pathetic. Don't cry too, too hard, please.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2010
Wed, 12-22-2010 - 8:07pm
OK MissLulu,

Walk us through it. What were you thinking & feeling in the moments leading up to that self-destructive email/text? Those actions manifested from the thoughts & feelings you were having that you wanted to escape rather than face.

The behaviour is a consequence of wanting to run & hide ... wanting to transfer the power and responsibility over to someone else for your well-being & comfort. That's a lot of power to give away - particularly to the person who is at least partially responsible for causing the pain you need to stop happening in the first place.

So, come on, do the work & start asking these questions of yourself. It will help. It will show you that you have the power to make different decisions for yourself. You don't need to act on impulse to escape from your RL. That's how we got into these messes.

And have you read about the 48 hour rule in the healing library? And what do you think we would have told you if you came to the board BEFORE you made contact?

Please read the rules of NC again ... You need to come to US first.

I look forward to hearing more,

TU.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2010
Wed, 12-22-2010 - 8:27pm

I hear you.

What was going on in my head/ heart? No clues, honestly. It felt like an out of control action that reminded me of an addict getting a fix. The closest emotion I can identify with is panic. And fear. Fear of being alone.

It was a child-like response. It was wanting gratification without regard for consequences.

Okay. I messed up. It has shattered me. The fact he hasn't responded has confirmed that is definitely over. And that realisation is bringing up emotions in me that I didn't even know existed.

So now, I get back on the horse and resolve to never engage in that type of behaviour again.

I will in future come here first.

Promise!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2010
Wed, 12-22-2010 - 8:30pm

You know, even as I sit here with my head in my hands and my heart feeling like it wants to burst...I am so, so, flipping grateful that my emotional mess is not due to my DH finding out about the A.

I have had no D-Day. I could have. And then how much worse would it be?

Dr has told me to take it easy due to the high blood pressure and so I am calling in sick at work tonight and will spend the night with hubby. He makes me laugh.

I feel so, so unsettled, I didn't believe this much hurt could be inside me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-09-2010
Wed, 12-22-2010 - 8:47pm

Lulu, I screwed up too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2010
Wed, 12-22-2010 - 9:22pm

Hi Lulu,

Sorry to hear that you are not feeling well.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2010
Thu, 12-23-2010 - 12:54am

(((((((WISHES & LU)))))))

I TOTALLY Dug your idea Wishes - to support - eachother through BREAKING THE DRAW.

Have you figured out what you think youre drawn to?

Is it the drug feeling/ addiction? An escape? Something about yourself came alive in the a? You will FIND THE ANSWER to quit DEEP within you, if you pay attention to YOU.

You'll get there - keep your focus on YOURSELVES, it WILL HAPPEN.

Lets Soldier On,

Michelle

Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart... Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens. I started looking inside and went NC October 15, 2010