Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart... Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens. I started looking inside and went NC October 15, 2010
After a year of trying to end it, I am still here. We have ended it again.
My problem has always been that I wasn’t committed. I have always been waiting. I have ended it but always got sucked back in. I am NC for a week now. I have reset the counter too many times. The counter almost doesn’t matter anymore.
I have been here reading, trying to understand why I don’t make it, feeling for you all, really feeling, and more than you know…………biting my tongue. Once in a while I just can’t help it and have to let out what is bottled up inside of me. It is the fixer in me. A lot of us men are like that.
The first thing I look at is commitment to ending. I know that is my weakness. The problem with this media is you can never get the real true feeling from people. We can all talk a good game, but what is in our hearts is not necessarily revealed on the pages that we write here. It seems like watching a train wreck at times. So many times I want to take someone to task, and yet I know I am a bigger fool than they. I haven’t learned yet. I feel so defeated.
I have been on this board since Sept. 2009. That was after two years. It truely ended on 10/10/10. I had contact on 12/10/10 so i guess i am at two weeks NC. I am still struggling. Each day is getting better but each morning i still obsess. I see how were never going to be together and why but i'm still imagining his touch.
Where I am at is grieving the breakdown and loss of my marriage. When I left my H I was deep in the fog of the A. I did not face up to my emotions of what I was ending, a 22 year relationship. I threw it all away on a very damaging experience that I brought on by my doing. The anniversary of my xhs death is coming up next week and the emotions are hitting me hard at times as I never dealt with Hs death 2 years ago, I was too caught up still in hurting myself with the A. I think it's healing to face up to the choices I made then and to process the emotions I buried. Some moments I feel such an incredible sadness, the sadness will grow in time to a better acceptance though. I am finally at a place to not hide from myself and escape. It is a gift to see my truths for what they are and not the version I tried to make them:)
Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart... Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens. I started looking inside and went NC October 15, 2010
Im a grandma - Im in wondrous love with a new little addition to our family.
Where Im at in ending - is Ended it 10/15/10 officially.
Ive run the gamut of emotions, thoughts, stages, anger, grief, realization that it's really over, letting go, moving on, had a few dates, acceptance, blame, accepting responsibility, diving headlong into understanding my faulty thinking, looking at the affair as an addiction, DEALING WITH ME till Im nauseous and blue in the face -
but FINALLY....feeling like Im not only bored with anything Affair....but now- recently can't muster a feeling towards xap if I wanted to. Feeling that if he did really show up like he said he was going to (AHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH OHHH HAHAHHAHHAHAHA) That It'd be really EMBARRASSING AND AWKWARD....as what do I say...."Just kidding"??!!??! Anyway...
Im everything BUT affair.
It's ALL ME FROM HERE ON OUT...I came in with me...Im going out with me, might as well MAKE ME MY PRIORITY & LOVE ME LIKE NO ONE ELSE CAN. It doesnt sound as romantic, but it's so much less DRAMATIC!
and for once...
im QUITE FINE with that,
My love to all of us Enders - who come back day in and day out - to share in DETOXING FROM THIS HOLD WE'VE ALL found ourselves involved in. We're all at different levels, but to everyone of us who IS STILL HERE........
LETS BE THANKFUL, THAT WE ARE COMMITTED AND DEVOTED ENOUGH to OURSELVES to PLUG ON...with egg on our faces, or not...we MUST believe in ourselves enough to be here,
Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart... Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens. I started looking inside and went NC October 15, 2010
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I'm here.
I am here. And I wish with all my heart that I didn't have a reason to be here.
Grammy, I am here also.
After a year of trying to end it, I am still here. We have ended it again.
My problem has always been that I wasn’t committed. I have always been waiting. I have ended it but always got sucked back in. I am NC for a week now. I have reset the counter too many times. The counter almost doesn’t matter anymore.
I have been here reading, trying to understand why I don’t make it, feeling for you all, really feeling, and more than you know…………biting my tongue. Once in a while I just can’t help it and have to let out what is bottled up inside of me. It is the fixer in me. A lot of us men are like that.
The first thing I look at is commitment to ending. I know that is my weakness. The problem with this media is you can never get the real true feeling from people. We can all talk a good game, but what is in our hearts is not necessarily revealed on the pages that we write here. It seems like watching a train wreck at times. So many times I want to take someone to task, and yet I know I am a bigger fool than they. I haven’t learned yet. I feel so defeated.
Today is a new day.
We only miss what could have been. I know I don't miss what it really was.
I am here.
I am here again as well.
I'm here too.
Hi All
I have been on this board since Sept. 2009. That was after two years. It truely ended on 10/10/10. I had contact on 12/10/10 so i guess i am at two weeks NC. I am still struggling. Each day is getting better but each morning i still obsess. I see how were never going to be together and why but i'm still imagining his touch.
Where I am at is grieving the breakdown and loss of my marriage. When I left my H I was deep in the fog of the A. I did not face up to my emotions of what I was ending, a 22 year relationship. I threw it all away on a very damaging experience that I brought on by my doing. The anniversary of my xhs death is coming up next week and the emotions are hitting me hard at times as I never dealt with Hs death 2 years ago, I was too caught up still in hurting myself with the A. I think it's healing to face up to the choices I made then and to process the emotions I buried. Some moments I feel such an incredible sadness, the sadness will grow in time to a better acceptance though. I am finally at a place to not hide from myself and escape. It is a gift to see my truths for what they are and not the version I tried to make them:)
Oh
Im here. :) yay. Im so glad Im here!
Im a grandma - Im in wondrous love with a new little addition to our family.
Where Im at in ending - is Ended it 10/15/10 officially.
Ive run the gamut of emotions, thoughts, stages, anger, grief, realization that it's really over, letting go, moving on, had a few dates, acceptance, blame, accepting responsibility, diving headlong into understanding my faulty thinking, looking at the affair as an addiction, DEALING WITH ME till Im nauseous and blue in the face -
but FINALLY....feeling like Im not only bored with anything Affair....but now- recently can't muster a feeling towards xap if I wanted to. Feeling that if he did really show up like he said he was going to (AHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH OHHH HAHAHHAHHAHAHA) That It'd be really EMBARRASSING AND AWKWARD....as what do I say...."Just kidding"??!!??! Anyway...
Im everything BUT affair.
It's ALL ME FROM HERE ON OUT...I came in with me...Im going out with me, might as well MAKE ME MY PRIORITY & LOVE ME LIKE NO ONE ELSE CAN. It doesnt sound as romantic, but it's so much less DRAMATIC!
and for once...
im QUITE FINE with that,
My love to all of us Enders - who come back day in and day out - to share in DETOXING FROM THIS HOLD WE'VE ALL found ourselves involved in. We're all at different levels, but to everyone of us who IS STILL HERE........
LETS BE THANKFUL, THAT WE ARE COMMITTED AND DEVOTED ENOUGH to OURSELVES to PLUG ON...with egg on our faces, or not...we MUST believe in ourselves enough to be here,
Merry Christmas!
Michelle
Pages