I'm sorry

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
I'm sorry
11
Sat, 11-12-2005 - 11:17am

That I really haven't been here. I want to be here but I just don't seem to make it. It seems that no one seems to understand both BP & BPD so I'm running between 2 boards and with my emotional state the way it is, it is just too much. I feel badly because I am the host of the Anxiety Chat on Tuesday night so I feel that I should get to that board a few times a week so that I know what is going on with the members so come chat I can address certain issues with them but that isn't happening either. I feel like I fell into a hole and now both my BP & BPD are taking control of me. Somehow I lost control of them and now I am paying the price for that. I suppose my doubt of the dx's didn't help and so now I'm facing them head on. Ugh, I wish I could explain this better but I can't and worst of all I seem to have crawled into myself. I have turned to no one for help and that is just the worst thing to do but who understands?! I belong to an email group, we've been friends for 5yrs now, one of the women asked me if I was ok and needless to say I went off on a rant. It was angry yet sad all at the same time. She was the only one to email me on the side and talk with me, the other 12 didn't touch it. They don't know how and that is the case for most of the other people in my life. I haven't let dh in yet and I know he will try the best he can to understand but as we all know it's impossible for someone else to understand if they are so called "normal"


I guess I just needed to vent. I hope it's ok that I did it here. I can just feel the mix of emotions churning in my gut, I've lost control and I know it : (


Hugs & Positive Thoughts Always,



Danielle

Host of Tuesday Night Anxiety, Panic & Phobia's Chat 7 - 9 pm MST


"No heaven will not ever Heaven be; Unless my cats are there to welcome me." --Unknown


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Hugs & Positive Thoughts Always,

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2004
Sat, 11-12-2005 - 12:06pm
You said:
It seems that no one seems to understand both BP & BPD so I'm running between 2 boards and with my emotional state the way it is, it is just too much.
A lot of us seem to have those diagnoses-so we do understand.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 11-12-2005 - 12:20pm

I'm sorry, I know I'm just frustrated by all of this. So does what I had to say make sense then?


Hugs & Positive Thoughts Always,

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Sat, 11-12-2005 - 3:20pm

Danielle,


Dual, or even multiple dx with BP are fairly common--PTSD and/or BPD are probably the most common.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 11-12-2005 - 3:39pm

Thank you Marci. I feel like abbreviation central w/ my dx's.......BP1, BPD, OCD, GAD & PTSD. Ack!!!!!! Sometimes it feels like no one understands even though there are people that do. I brought this mistake on myself and now I'm so mad at myself for being stubborn. I wanted to test the waters drug free but got 1/2 way down and got scared so I went back up but too little too late. Now I have to gain back that ground : (


I hate this, I really do but then I am sure we all do.


Thank you for being here.


Hugs & Positive Thoughts Always,



Danielle

Host of Tuesday Night Anxiety, Panic & Phobia's Chat 7 - 9 pm MST


"No heaven will not ever Heaven be; Unless my cats are there to welcome me." --Unknown


The first site below was done for me by

Hugs & Positive Thoughts Always,

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Sun, 11-13-2005 - 8:51am
Danielle, I am sorry you are having a hard time. I don't mean to be stipud but you explained that people don't understand both BP and BPD, I know one is Bipolar not sure what both are? I am glad you could vent here. I hope as hard as this is to here I hope you take care of you! Patti
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 11-13-2005 - 10:05am

Thank you Patti.


BPD = Borderline Personality Disorder.


I guess I was pretty wrong about others not being able to understand since quite a few here are in the same boat as I am. I'm glad I landed here again.


Hugs & Positive Thoughts Always,



Danielle

Host of Tuesday Night Anxiety, Panic & Phobia's Chat 7 - 9 pm MST


"No heaven will not ever Heaven be; Unless my cats are there to welcome me." --Unknown


The first site below was done for me by

Hugs & Positive Thoughts Always,

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Sun, 11-13-2005 - 10:20am

although i'm not too familiar with bpd, i know there are others here who do experience it. so you were right in thinking you could vent here. not only that, but anyone with bp understands at least that half and knows that if there's something else going on how it's bound to mess with you.


i know that confiding in so called "normal" people is very difficult......at best. but, i think if you confided in dh it could help you. it sounds like he would do what he could to understand, which for you may include having him accompany you to a session w/ your tdoc and./or pdoc. keeping it from him

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 11-13-2005 - 10:35am

Thank you Traci. It is a comfort to find people who understand. I'm sure you know how it feels to just get lost and I found a place that will help a little with that.


I did talk to dh yesterday and it was very hard, I think harder on him than me. It was very difficult for him to hear what an ugly state I'm in. It was harder for him to hear of my darkest thoughts. I told him that I do not expect him to understand, I do not expect for him to fix it or even attempt, I simply want/need support from him. I think that is why I am so mad with some of my friends. They tell you they will be there to support you and when things come crashing down they aren't there. Anyone else find that to be true?


I see my p/tdoc on Monday. I want dh to come, the only problem is that we have no one to watch our 5 yr old son and so we'd have to bring him. I told dh we could swap out, I know it's not the same as having joint therapy but that just isn't possible with the things that need to be discussed. Where is the full day K?? This 1/2 day thing stinks and it wasn't like this when I was a kid.


I know that this will get better with some time, I'm just in an ugly place right now.


I'm so glad you all are here.


Hugs & Positive Thoughts Always,



Danielle

Host of Tuesday Night Anxiety, Panic & Phobia's Chat 7 - 9 pm MST


"No heaven will not ever Heaven be; Unless my cats are there to welcome me." --Unknown


The first site below was done for me by

Hugs & Positive Thoughts Always,

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Sun, 11-13-2005 - 10:38am

Danielle,


Isure know what you mean about the abbreviations--it's got so I tell people I'm on disability for alphabet soup.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 11-13-2005 - 10:47am

Well I'm glad that there are others out there who feel like a walking alphabet as well. I'm also a walking pharmacy. For a 28yr old I take way TOO many meds!!!


I try to remember that I can't control a lot of this but sometimes that doesn't help as I am sure that you know. The BP is a tad easier but it creeps through the meds so it isn't totally controllable and the BPD is even harder. They are both going to take some work to control. At least with the BP you usually can see the mood shift coming on a little earlier than the BPD which is so spontanious. Some days I feel like a pendulum, my emotions swinging back and forth. It's exhausting!


Thanks for being here. You all have made me remember that I am not alone. I just have to remember to reach out which is hard for me. My first defense is to pull back, hide behind that wall of mine and suffer alone. I need to break that habit.


Hugs & Positive Thoughts Always,



Danielle

Host of Tuesday Night Anxiety, Panic & Phobia's Chat 7 - 9 pm MST


"No heaven will not ever Heaven be; Unless my cats are there to welcome me." --Unknown


The first site below was done for me by

Hugs & Positive Thoughts Always,

Pages