Interesting thought....
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| Sat, 11-12-2005 - 5:50pm |
H keeps saying how much this OW is like him. Do you think he is having an A with himself? Everytime he says that I think about the Jerry Seinfeild episode with Janeane Garofalo. They think they are madly in love, get engage, then one day they realize, they don't want to marry themselves.
I sort of like the idea of him having an A with himself, makes me laugh. Perhaps he's finally learning to like himself.
:-)
UPDATE: He obviously didn't like the non-communication. He came by unannounced Friday morning before going to his therapy session. He wanted to ask if we got back together how that would work. He asked if he would come home immediately or if he had to wait. I told him he would have to wait until he was stable enough to not get irritated by our kids. I also said he cannot just waltz back in & then I gave my demands. He sort of waived them off b/c they are all things he's starting to do now. But I want him to have a full understanding of what exactly I'm asking for. I already have them written up, was not expecting this surprise visit.
He called last night to tell me about his therapy apt. It was supposed to be 45 min, turned out to be 2.5 hrs. She was trying to persuade him into lock-down. She did convince him he is bipolar, but she is not a psychiatrist so she'll do what she can to get him in with somebody Monday to start his meds. She also says he needs to check in with her every 24 hours or less due to his suicidal thoughts. He also called the OW and told her she cannot move in with him. I guess she's taken that pretty poorly. H called her mother so she could go calm her down.
I have a limited contact agreement written up. But I'm stepping away from it for a bit and then want to reread it to make sure it cannot be construed incorrectly seeing he is a suicide threat now. But these will be the only contact acceptions:
1. I would also like to be put you on your suicide watch. Please email me every 6-12 hours simply stating, 'I am still here.'
2. If you fear for your life and are ready to be proactive you may contact me 24 hours a day.
3. You may e-mail me to discuss times and dates to visit our children. Once a time is established I will leave our kids in the living room and I will stay in my office. You are not to come down to talk to me.
4. On Monday you may come over and use an upstairs phone to find a psychiatrist. I will be working in my office and do not want to be disturbed.
Bonnie

excellent work bonnie! be very proud of yourself and how you have handled this thus far. stick to your guns. it sounds like dh is finding out you will not play the games, and it also sounds as though tdoc has a very good handle already on the situation which is awesome.
hang in there and keep us posted.
hugs & love,
traci
Bonnie,
Sounds like you're getting it under control, or trying to anyway.
I think she tried really hard to get H into inpatient and he simply would not do it. Then I called the psych section of the hospital and asked if there was a way H could come in & not be in lock-down. She told me there was a difference between suicidal thoughts & being suicidal & to take him to the ER and he would not be held against his wishes. I emailed the info to H along with the # incase he thought I was trying to set him up. He called and she asked for his address so he hung up on her.
I know he was institationalized once while in his teens & then I put him in lock-down 7 yrs ago. He hates it & will do everything he can to prevent it. He promises me if he gets to the point where he is seriously suicidal he'll go to the hospital, but who knows how he'll be thinking by then.
I did tell him the 1st pdoc he should call is the one who prescribed him Depekote before, even though he hasn't seen him in a couple of years he is an existing patient so hopefully they can call-in a prescrip to the pharmacy or rush him in for evaluation.
H believes he's about to break mentally & says hour-by-hour the cycles are faster. I think either he is going to break & need hospitalization or he will not live through this. The OW is coming on Tue. He's already upset her by telling her she cannot move in with him. I think he's pulled a thread on this fantasy world for her & things just may frazzle this week, then his guilt may prevent him from calling me for help, hopefully he'll find somebody else.
I gave him a number to a nearby hospital that has a bipolar alliance along with the number to NAMI. He would not take the crisis numbers, which is unfortunate as those other numbers are not 24/7. He does have his councelor's number as he has to check in with her every 24hrs or less.
Today, I'm trying not to concentrate on reconciliation, but placing more space between us. He cannot be negotiated with while in this state, it's worthless to spend the energy. I know that, that is why I've been waiting so long for him to seek help. But I get so tired of waiting I end up trying anyway and end up the hampster on the wheel.
He's been in this state for so long now I have no idea how he's going to come out of it. Could there be a permanent personality change? Would the change bring us closer or would it seperate us? Too many questions and no answers until he stablizes.
Bonnie
"Only when we are sick of our sickness shall we cease to be sick."
~ Lao-Tzu, from The Tao Te Cheng
i worry bonnie,because it seems like you are hoping for a miracle & without being smug,a lifetime movie....& life doesn't happen that way.it's my concern that even tho this man has his good & wonderful qualities he will still continue to be mentally abusive to you thruout your lifetime.
"epiphany that will come with a cure."
No, not a cure. An awareness, education, then a progress toward change. With meds I hope for fewer swings and the chance to recognize the swings & try to prevent the big ones.
"a lifetime movie"
Trust me, I know life does that happen that way. The way I described it to my sister not to long ago, there seems to people with happy lives who have hard times and then there are people who seem to have hard lives with happy moments.
I'm one of those who has had it hard since I was 3yrs old (when my father had his affair). The only way through it is to stay as optimistic as possible. I always talk with hope and with a sight of a brighter future. Do I think one day I wake up and there it is? No, it takes work, a lot of hard work. Life with my husband has taken work, but there have been so many great rewards every pain has been worth it. With the exception of 7 yrs ago these moods are usually short lived. I think that is why he has never really been diagnosed. But the past 2 years it seems he has started to rapid cycle and he's become more & more depressed. Unfortunately with my brother dying, 6 month long miscairrage & a hard pg I have not been able to spend the time to fight off depression in me either so we were both battling it at the same time.
If you could see him with me you could see why I want him back so bad. Anyone who has ever seen us together is nothing but shocked by this. If you could see him with the kids you could not imagine a better father.
I would hate to see him with this woman for many reasons.
I don't think she is stable herself. So I think them together eventually would become a disaster which almost seems to be delaying the invetible with my H. I think if they do not last for more 2-3 years his guilt would be too much for him.
When this man loves he loves like you cannot imagine. I know breaking up with her would tear him apart, but that is something he can cut off and move on with. It's been a short relationship with no ties. But with me it's been 14 years and we'll see each other for the rest of our lives.
He does not find this woman physically attractive. When you are in love it's easy to look past. But what happens when 6-8 mos down the road they start to fight & fight hard. Will he remember he doesn't find her physically attractive, and at the moment not emotionally attracted to her either. Then come over to my house to see the kids & sees me (which I know he is & always has been physically attracted to) and know he still loves me. How much heart ache will that be for both of us? For all 3 of us?
I see a lot of hard work for the next few years keeping us together and reaching happiness again. I see a lot of heart ache many, mnay years down the road if we do not even try.
My parents divorce was 33 years ago & they still have many moments of heart ache. Just this past year with my brothers death and now with me living through an affair. (I believe they know if they had worked on their marriage my brother would not have been so wreckless with his life ... if they had worked it out they could have given me the tools to keep my marriage together.)
Bonnie
"Only when we are sick of our sickness shall we cease to be sick."
~ Lao-Tzu, from The Tao Te Cheng
NO.
there will not be a permanant personality change.
not with therapy not wth ect.
not with meds.
not that anyone can guarantee.
because if there were a med or a therapy that would bring about such a change everyone would be buying stock in it & running to get it & you can bet you bottom dollar you would know about it & no one would be on this board suffering at all because we would all have the answer.
which we don't.
it seems to me that to are roundabout blaming yourself again,doesn't it?
if YOUR parents han't divorced,YOU would've had thd the tools to STOP ALL THIS FROM HAPPENING.
seems like an enourmous burden doesn't it?
Aha, misunderstanding.
When I spoke of permanent personality change I was referring to him being more like what he is now, during this mania, rather than his more 'normal' self.
I was not thinking a personality change for the better. I'm fearing personality change for the worse.
A NAMI rep told me the longer without meds the more permanent damage to the brain. So I've been thinking on that perspective. Which has scared me, what if I'm fighting for the man I know & love, but instead emerges this man who confuses & hurts me and I cannot take him back.
As for him sharing thoughts about her. Well, I set myself up for that one. And to tell the truth, it is painful, but for the most part insightful. I've been managing to emotionally detatch & listen as a friend instead of a wife during these times.
On the day I put an endangered missing persons report on him I spoke to his pdoc. (Called him to see if he could reach H to make sure he didn't think he was a threat to himself.) The pdoc explained to me I needed to let him know he is not a 'bad' person for talking to this OW (this was before they physically met). Instead realize she was providing him something he was not getting in our relationship, but to learn what it was so we could bring it into our own. Unfortunately I didn't do what his pdoc said & in my tantrum pushed him closer to her - that was the night he ended up leaving.
Also, H asked, how does he grieve for this OW if he broke it off. I told him I have been there for him for every difficult event in his adult life. As hard as it would be on me I have been his best friend for 14 years and he could lean on me.
Women from a 'save your marriage' board who are now rebuilding say this is what they have done as well. They say it is hard to hear, but it also strengthens their marriage as you can learn what your H feels is missing from his life.
"Only when we are sick of our sickness shall we cease to be sick."
~ Lao-Tzu, from The Tao Te Cheng
do you get to go out & get a lover cause he's not perfect?
fine.
maybe that is how you were brought up to beleive,it certainly isn't the way i was the way i was brought up.i have been there & done that bonnie.i have blamed MY affairs on my husband's shortcoming AND my illness.both were to blame & neither were to blame.my husband cannot be EVERYTHING to me nor i EVERTHING to him.maybe you were brought up to beleive differently.
but i see myself coming across as combative & i apologise.