We've added Lamactil to the cocktail

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
We've added Lamactil to the cocktail
9
Mon, 11-14-2005 - 9:55am

Hello all. I just can't seem to get stable. I've been feeling not exactly suicidal, but extreme apathy. I had some abnormal test results a few months ago and never followed up on them because, difficult as this is to admit, I truly don't care. Well, I finally went and had the biopsy done last Wednesday and now I'm awaiting the results. The doc saw the abnormal cells while she was performing the biopsy. I still don't freakin' care.

I saw my pdoc on Friday and she added Lamactil to my existing cocktail of 50mg paxil and 200mg trileptal. I'm dosing up on the Lamactil. Today is day #3 and I feel horrible. I'm exhausted and even more apathetic, if that's possible.

I've got so much going on in my personal life that I could just lay done and cry. That's the reason neither my pdoc nor my tdoc are terribly concerned about these "suicidal" type feelings - my life really is that exhausting and that difficult (I've got a severely handicapped child). I swear to you, my DS8 and DD11 are the only reason I go on most days and DD11 is really pretty self-sufficient at this point. DS8 will never be self-sufficient. He's got a progressive neurological disease, and will never get better. Truth is, he will slowly deteriorate. His life expectancy is pretty crappy.

Anyhows, I keep trying new meds to keep my head and heart in the game but it's not working. Today I feel close to a crash. I don't know who to share with this. I don't want to tell my pdoc because she may want to hospitalize me and I can't leave DS8 - no one else can care for him the way I can. My H and I recently reconciled (again!) after I threw him out this summer and that seems to be the event that brought me to my knees. Well that, and this horrendous construction problem with my house. I'm filing a lawsuit against one of my contractors this morning (I'm an attorney). He's paid in full, the work isn't done, it's holding up my certificate of occupancy, and he won't even return my freakin' phone calls anymore.

Can anyone else relate to this feeling of being so freakin' overwhelmed that you see no good reason to go on any further??? Please???? Thanks so much for your support. Love, Mo.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 11-14-2005 - 10:22am

in a single word...YES.

i am right there with you...my problems right now are physical more so than bp related, i think...though i am extremely depressed, i think its because of my physical state of being in constant and extreme pain all the time...i have been dxed with Rheumatoid Arthritis and Fibromyalgia and its about to do me in...I have been in extreme pain for over 2 weeks now...with extreme fatigue thrown in as some kind of sick joke life has decided to play on me...

Lamictal stablized me really well...but it takes a long time...to dose up to the therapeutic levels that you need to get up to...so be patient with it...its a great medication...

i'm tired of life too...i can totally and completely relate...am having trouble with my dh too...and i just don't know if i have the energy to do this...

i've always been the strong one...but there comes a point in time that you just can't do it anymore...i'm almost there...nobody knows it...i keep telling everyone i'm okay...that i will be okay...but i'm scared...because i don't even care anymore...

i am existing right now...but for what? my son...that's the only reason...

you hang in there...i'm sorry i'm not more help to you...i just wanted you to know you are NOT alone and we love you here...we know what you're going through...

love you,

Keli

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Mon, 11-14-2005 - 1:46pm
Keli, I'm so sorry to hear that you feel like I do. It's such a dark, desperate place to be. You seem, like me, to be an otherwise upbeat, positive, active person - but for the BP, depression and life on life's terms. I've struggled thru so much - I've done so much to help myself - therapy, meds, prayer, meditation, yoga, running, clean and sober for 3+ years, and I STILL feel crummy. The past fews days I've been feeling like if I have to do ALL this just to get out of bed in the morning and I still don't feel like living anymore, maybe it's just not worth all the work. Big sigh. I don't know. Let's hang in there, Keli. Love, Mo.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 11-14-2005 - 2:08pm

Mo,

We will get through this...we HAVE to! You will hang in there, okay? Life is life...it is what it is, and we HAVE struggled through so much...but we will CONTINUE to struggle through what we have to to make it through.

I'm sorry I was so negative in my post to you earlier. I do want you to know you aren't alone...but that dark, horrible place is temporary...know that also. It does pass...and you have to FIGHT like hell to get through it, so you can live the life you were MEANT to live. I know you can remember when it wasn't like this...keep that time in your mind...you WILL get back to that time again...I promise that you will.

Life isn't fair...but nothing ever is...we aren't guaranteed a dang thing in this life, and even through all this hell we go through on a daily basis, there are still others who have it much worse than we do...

I am usually very strong, and I have come through SOOOO much...I may fall from time to time, but I always get up...and so will you. You fight, and don't you dare give up. Support is crucial, so keep coming here and typing...get your feelings out...let us support you, okay?

Love you,

Keli

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2005
Mon, 11-14-2005 - 2:10pm

((((Mo))))


I'm so sorry you are having a hard time right now.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Mon, 11-14-2005 - 6:58pm

Keli and Donna: Thanks so much for your responses. I know I'll get thru this, the point, I guess, is that I don't even care to. I feel like even with all the meds, therapy, exercise, 12-steps, etc., I can't seem to ever feel good about my life. I know I have some blessings, but I've got some tremendous challenges as well, including mental illness. As I think I've posted on here before, I'm also a recovering addict/alcoholic.

I guess the main thing is my DS8. I love him to death, but caring for him is so difficult. And knowing that his disease will eventually take his life, as it took my youngest child's life, is really more than I can bare. I've already buried one of my children and although DS8 is alive and well today, when I slip into depression its so hard not to look into the future and know what's waiting for me.

My H and I have pretty much reconciled after this summer's blowout. He did absolutely everything possible (and still is) to regain my, and our son's trust. He'd stand on his head for 24 hours if I told him I needed him to do that to rebuild this relationship, I swear he would. I know, like me feeling suicidal, he's also at the end of his emotional rope. Sometimes we both just feel like gettin' out of Dodge, if you know what I mean. It requires a certain amount of trust in each other, I guess, that I won't leave him alone in this mess and he won't leave me alone.

In the first few days after he broke DS8's arm, he told me it was a relief. A relief to be thrown out of the house, and a relief not to have to deal with DS every moment of the day he wasn't working. And I can totally relate. The last thing, the very last thing, I want to do is be DS8's single mother. If he has an itch, I have to come from whatever I'm doing to scratch it. I'm changing an 8 year old's diapers. Got any idea at all what that's like?????? I love this kid to death. He's charming and funny and has tons of friends, and that makes it easy to care for him. He even makes jokes about his inability to do so many things. Sometimes he loses control of his neck muscles and his head falls to one side and he can't pick it back up. He yell to me "mom, my head fell off again!" and I tell him that if it wasn't so heavy we wouldn't have to deal with it! So we keep these things light. When he has a particularly bad BM and I have to change him, he'll tell me that he saved it up for a few days just for me. Then he'll joke with me about "what the heck does my mama feed me????" He's an incredible kid with an awesome spirit and is truly an inspiration. That mitigates, but doesn't change the fact, that he's an awful lot of work.

H was traveling last week and poor DS had a few accidents and soaked himself when I was at work (my babysitter can't pick him up because she had surgery recently, and yes, I'm working on getting another babysitter) but I couldn't even bathe the poor kid afterwards because I can't get him in and out of the tub myself.

I'm hostage in this marriage. It seems like regardless of what my H does, I cannot raise DS8 alone, unless I have husband no. 2 lined up. And face it, ladies, once you've been married to one man, wouldn't you rather just get a cat and some battery-operated appliances???? LOL.

Since I've been in my office I'm feeling better, but I need to leave in a few minutes to get my DD11 from dance class. Thanks again for responding. I truly need support, and need to know that others are struggling as well. Love, Mo.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 11-15-2005 - 7:55am

I can totally relate to you...I think we have some kind of connection somewhere out there...I too am a recovering addict, I think I may have told you that before...now, while I don't have the handicapped son to take care of, I've been there done that with everything else you've gone through...that in and of itself is extremely exhausting...and yes, there are SOOOOOOO many times that I want to "get outta Dodge"...many many many times...OMG, do I ever.

My dh is wonderful to me...but he doesn't work...at first, when I was really bad off with my BP, it was a huge blessing, because basically I couldn't function at home, or with my ds. He did (and still does) everything...the cleaning, the cooking, the laundry, everything...I go to work and come home and relax...I love that arrangement actually...but we are having some really major financial difficulties right now and I need him working...he works for himself, so he can work in the evenings and still do everything around the house, lol...but I need him to work more steadily than he has been, just to get us through this rough patch, and through the first of next year...so that's a major stressor for me...though, nothing like you and your ds.

But I use it as an example...I remember how 'easy' it was when I was just manic and carefree and loving life...yes, I was a drug addict, a sex addict, and I made a mess of my life...but it was EASY. This is hard. Real life is hard.

I've now become clean and sober for the most part, I'm no longer engaged in any relationships outside of my marriage...all good things, right? Then why is life so dark and dreary most of the time? Why now do I feel so damn depressed most of the time...? Why have I gained 50 pounds? Why have I lost all my friends? Why do I not have a life anymore?

So yeah...its very hard for me to wake up every morning...its hard to wake up every day, remembering the person I once was, and then go to the mirror and see this person I don't like...this person who I don't even recognize. It sucks.

Hang in there honey...we're right there with you...

Love you
Keli

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Tue, 11-15-2005 - 3:48pm
Mo, I am sorry for what you are going through.. when I was in trouble I have called the crisis line for support and somehow talking about it would help just a little. Nope, I understand why you can't be hospitalized and neither could I, but for different reasons. Hold on and keep coming to the boards for support and anywhere you can! Patti
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2005
Tue, 11-15-2005 - 6:42pm

I so understand...I get yelled at by my family because I can't handle one more crisis. Along with the BP, I have asthma, diabetes, arthritis and a degenerative form of muscular dystrophy. I have spent the last two years fighting a dangerous bone infection. I needed 10 surgeries to get to the point I am now - trying not to obsess over the biopsy. If the infection reoccurs, I will lose my leg.

Sometimes, I cannot work up enough energy to turn on the computer. But if I stay in bed all day, my sister will call my pdoc and I end up in the hospital again.

I take lamictal. It took a while to get to a theraputic dose - 7 weeks

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2004
Tue, 11-15-2005 - 6:57pm
Hi Mo - I'm so sorry that you are having such a rough time right now. It sounds like you have a lot on your plate so, I can see why you are having some problems with your mood. I know when I'm under stress my moods tend to flucuate even more than they already do. I have been on lamictal for about a year and a half now. To be honest, it took a real long time to "kick" in and help my mood. For awhile I didn't think it was doing anything, but looking back I think it does help. I'm on 5 different meds for my Bipolar so sometimes it's hard for me to tell what drugs are working and what side effects are from what drugs. Anyway, I didn't mean to ramble....I will keep you in my prayers! Things will get better I'm sure of it! Take Care - Jena