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| Tue, 11-15-2005 - 8:19am |
Hi all,
Just wanted to say good morning to everyone and wish you all a great day. I'm feeling less depressed today, still in some pain, but much less depressed. I'm fighting it with all I have, as usual...it won't get the best of me again, not after finally getting my BP under more control...this will NOT happen! I had to dig really deep inside to find strength...but somehow I did it...
Its not easy...this BS crap we put up with and go through on a daily basis, but who ever promised us that it would BE easy? Life is what we make it...I've got a lot of work to do yet...but I didn't let BP beat me, and I damn sure ain't gonna let this RA/Fibro crap win either. Oh heck no!
You're all such a major support for me...I don't know how I would do it without you...this is the only place in the world where I feel totally and completely understood. You're all incredibly amazing...we're all so closely bonded here...and I don't know if its through our illnesses, and struggles that we've become close, or that we were brought together for that very reason...but whatever it is, I am very thankful for all of you.
Keli

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Good morning, Keli! I was floored when I read your last response to my post because you took the words right out of my mouth! I was a major party girl a few years ago because I couldn't deal with life on life's terms. I was out every night all night soothing my mania with about 12 glasses of wine and doing all sorts of things I'm not very proud of today. I too have had EMAs, one man with whom I became so involved that I very nearly ended my marriage to start a new life with him.
And today - I'm a boring ol' mother of a handicapped child and a beautiful DD11 who is a competitive dancer. I'm in bed by 10:00 most nights, haven't had a drink or drug in 3+ years (which is a blessing). The only time I go out at night its to go to an NA meeting. I even hold commitments in the fellowship! I run a law practice and take pretty good care of myself.
But exactly like you said, I look in the mirror and totally miss the old "party girl." I don't understand what that's about. I'm not proud of the way I lived and I did some pretty horrible things back in the day. Now, I can put my head on the pillow each night having caused no harm to anyone, having no shame about anything I did that day. So why do I dislike my life so much now?????
I'm bored, for one thing. There's something really insane in my thinking (is it the mania?) that I like everything so intense. I can never have just a little fun. I've got to have fun until someone gets hurt. Back in my partying days, my DH used to joke (although I'm sure he wasn't laughing) that my brand of fun usually involved trampolines, law enforcement and fire engines!
What is it about us Keli? You're right, we must be connected somehow (although I think what we're feeling is pretty universal for addicts). I'm also feeling better today. I got a response from that jerky contractor who has my money and won't finish the job after I sent a letter via telefax to the Attorney General's Division of Consumer Fraud and copied him on it. I hate that it had to resort to that.
Have a good day, Keli. I'll check in with you later. Love, Mo.
keli, glad to hear you are feeling better today. you are a true inspiration to so many here and i am grateful to have met you and so many others here.
i'm glad you have found the strength to continue to fight. you will get there. i know you will.
i hope you have a good day.
love u,
traci
Traci,
...and how are YOU? honest answer, please...
love u
keli
Mo
ok...I'm stepping in here...under no circumstances should you consider yourself a 'boring' mother...do you realize what you do on a daily basis?
God could not be everywhere, so
hey donna,
i wouldn't ever go back either...i remember the days of staying up all WEEK! ruining my son's life...my own life...still trying to recover the financial ruin I caused myself...i didn't mean to imply i would EVER go back...i miss the manic days sometimes, but NEVER EVER the druggie days...maybe they go hand in hand? i don't know...i guess is why i stay medicated...and treatment compliant...too scared to ever try it off meds again...its too close for comfort...all i EVER thought about then was when my next high was going to be...omg, i don't even want to think i could go back to that...
i hope you don't think that's what i meant...
love you...
OMG, no that is not why I said that...I thought Mo also said she missed it...I was just voicing my opinion...which obviously is not coming out right...I'm not good today, sorry.
I posted this on another board..maybe it will help:
"I'm not sure where to start...hope this doesn't turn out too long.
Last week Will had the runs...diaper rash from you know where....it got on his inner thigh and it was rubbing on his diaper and we ended up with a huge mess (big open wound now)....so needless to say the last week has been a nightmare.
God could not be everywhere, so
Oh honey...you are SO not a bad mother...do you know that we have ALL gone through that? I remember that so well...the feelings of guilt are normal, though...you just have to try to let them go...I know that's hard to do...I feel guilt every day of my life, for something I've done to my kid...and he's almost 15...he's a spoiled brat and I can't blame anyone but MYSELF...I really can't stand him sometimes...and I feel guilty about that, but what can I do at this point...he doesn't listen much to me...he has a bad attitude...
On the BP front, if you don't let them go, you're going to come crashing down into a real depression...and you don't need that to happen, on top of all this too...
You really need some sort of break...is there any way or chance in hell you can get away for a few hours this weekend? i know we're all so broke its ridiculous...and that in and of itself makes life so freaking miserable...
Hang in there...we're here if you need us...
Love you,
Keli
its already crashing, and I knew it...its pms time...you know what that means???
God could not be everywhere, so
Keli, Donna, Mo (and anybody else to whom it applies),
It's perfectly natural to remember the good times of mania and want them back--who wouldn't want to be able to be wild and free without a care in the world.
honest answer???? worried and depressed. i've got a doctor's appointment tomorrow for the lump i found in my groin area (sorry if tmi). my mood swung big time into the depressive state. i've called tdoc already today. she's going out of town but wants me to do the daily check in again. i so hate this roller coaster! still haven't heard back from my friend at the court house either. so i'm stalled on the thing w/ the ex.
anyway, that's about it. now it's time for me to go back to work. i so don't want to go, but such is life.
love u 2
traci
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