Update on Me...long

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Update on Me...long
4
Wed, 11-16-2005 - 11:52am

Well, first of all, my BP is still under control and stable...wow...I got my test results back from the doctor's office and I have both Fibro and RA...I am still in a HUGE amount of pain, all the time...it never goes away...the fatigue is really bad...but I'm managing, somehow, to stay positive about it...as much as I can...I have a referral to a Rheumatologist, but can't get an appt until January or February of next year, and there is only ONE Rheumy in town that my insurance will pay for...that's why its taking soooo long for an appt...my GP is rxing NSAIDs for the inflammation and pain, but they aren't doing a darn thing...not even close to touching the pain and inflammation...I asked for Prednisone...he called in another NSAID instead...they make me really sick when I take them...so I'm really frustrated with all of this...

When I finally get my BP under control, I can't even enjoy it...I've gotten so exhausted and emotionally spent that I have mini meltdowns and just start crying, or get really angry...because its not fair...its just not fair...then I get scared...and then I pick myself up and move forward once again. I don't know how I do it...but I just know that I have to.

I was an hour and a half late for work this morning...I hurt so much last night, that I slept, but didn't sleep...and I just could NOT get up this morning...the fatigue is really bad...and the worst part is...NOBODY GETS IT. I'm still supposed to be superwoman...after all, I did manage to get through a really horrible mental illness okay...with a few scars, but not too many...so why can't I do this too??? I'm not superwoman at all. I don't have to cook, or clean...that's one blessing...but I do have to take my son to his basketball practices, come to work, pay the bills (which I've not done well at all this month), and generally ensure everything is taken care of, including myself...nobody understands that my pain is 24/7...my fatigue is sooooo bad right now that I have zero energy...i don't want to complain at home...who wants to be around someone who hurts and complains all the time???? I sure wouldn't. But that leaves me feeling abandoned and alone in this...

I thank God above that my Bipolar is stable. I couldn't do both right now. I mean, I really could NOT do both. Everything happens for a reason, but I sure wish I could know what the reason for this is. I know too that other people have it worse than I do...but right now, in my small part of the world, its pretty darn bad.

Everyone tells me how strong I am...and I guess I am. But when is it my turn to not have to fight? Will I ever get to that point? I'm not feeling sorry for myself, just thinking out loud...I want to get to that point so badly. I deserve that. I've fought so hard and so long, I deserve it.

I pray for strength and patience and pain relief. LOL. Laughter and distraction seem to help at times. So I try to talk and laugh whenever I can. I try not to look toward the future too much. That can be bad for someone with BP, as we all know. I don't want to see the day when I can't work anymore...its been on my mind a lot...though I push it away whenever I can.

I'm a fighter, always have been, always will be...

Love and Hugs to all,

keli

Avatar for suziq_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 11-16-2005 - 3:23pm
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((keli)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
i don't even know what to say xcept B**CH all you want.so i'll hug you instead.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2005
Wed, 11-16-2005 - 3:37pm

Keli


I'm so sorry...I started to read this before lunch and couldn't finish and then when you log back on it's gone, like I've read it.


You do deserve more, and you will get it...this is a little bump in the road.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

God could not be everywhere, so

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Wed, 11-16-2005 - 9:28pm

((((keli)))) just as you have told me, i will tell you..........you will catch your break!


you definitely are strong and i know you get tired of being strong. and there are days where you just want to say forget it, but yet you continue to find that inner strength and triumph.


your bp is stable and thats great. hold on to that and hopefully the ra and fibro will get under control soon. hopefully the doc will find the right med for pain for you.


i know you want to not have to fight for a change. i so hear you on that one. i wish i had an answer for you. but know that i'm thinking of you and hoping that you start feeling better physically real soon.


love you girl,


traci

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Thu, 11-17-2005 - 9:00am

Yes Keli, I know the feeling. Everyone thinks I'm superwoman as well. People are in awe of what I can handle, and I always think to myself "what exactly does handling it look like?" Does it look like winding up in a mental institution (as I did in 2002), turning to drugs and alcohol for relief (as I did up until 2002), does it look like walking thru the day in total despair (as I still do pretty near every day?). What exactly does "handling it" look like.

And yeah when will I not have to work so hard to get thru the freakin' day? I'm particularly cranky today as DS8 the one who is totally physically handicapped, is home sick and whenever he gets sick its a rollercoaster ride. He's had sniffles wind us up in the ER within 12 hours with severe respiratory distress. He's been hospitalized in ICU with pneumonia several times because his respiratory system is so compromised as a result of his disease.

I had a million things to do at work today. Work tends to be my "happy place," and I'm not even going to be able to get there. And last night my nanny (who is recovering my neurosurgery) blacked out while driving and darned near killed herself trying to get off the road. The poor girl is 22 years old and her health is severely compromised as well. She underwent brain surgery over the summer because she had a tumor pressing on her brain stem. But they don't know what caused last night's episode. They told her headaches would be fairly normal, but not blacking out. So not only am I concerned about her, but I have no babysitter at all today.

I live in this wierd little town. Maybe "wierd" isn't quite the right word but its very affluent and everyone is trying to be "perfect." Have the perfect house, the perfect lawn, the perfect career. It's really pretty nauseating. Anyhows the schools have this open house day every semester so parents have a chance to go to school with their kids and observe the classes. I'm so sorry, but why exactly do we need to do this? The kids are so darned competitive, the parents are worse, and the majority of the women in this town are SAHMs so they have plenty of time to show up for these things. Sorry. Because my DS is sick I won't be able to make it. Not only that, but even if DS had gone to school I still had a million things to do in my office. I can't just write off an entire day to watch my DD11 learn. I can't show up perfectly coiffed in the perfect outfit with a new manicure. Not today.

Sorry to hijack your post, Keli, but I know you understand. Im struggling, as you know, and have been at the end of my rope for a while. Oh yea, one last thing: every year I throw this event to raise money for research and development on my son's disease - it's part of a national foundation. Of course, the event is this Saturday night and the little guest of honor will likely be sick for it. Another reason that it sucks that I'm hostage today - there's still so much to do to get ready for this. Ive got to come up with a welcoming message and I'm so negative I'll probably want to take the microphone and just tell everyone my life sucks.

Hope you're having a better day than I am. Love, Mo.

mo 7-18-10