Many of us have stumbled and some of us have fallen all the way back into the pit again. Don't beat yourself up over that because it's over and there's nothing you can do about it. You did what you did because it felt better and easier than dealing with the real issues of your unhappiness.
I am so glad you came back here. Keep your head held high while you go through the drill again. You know what to expect in regards to the emotional hell of ending all over again. You also know those intense feelings are going to pass in a few weeks. So just get through those feelings one day at a time until you get a chance to look at the bigger picture within yourself. Can you identify how you were feeling in life in general when xAP surprised you with the card and then his presence? Something was going on in your life that was uncomfortable, which is why it was so easy for you to re-engage in the A.
Are you going to T now? Perhaps you should think about changing Ts if you don't feel you got enough from the first one. I'm on my second T and he is incredible. I've done more work and grown more in six weeks with him than in four months with my other T.
Are you prepared in all the usual ways to end it? Does xAP know you are ending or does he expect you are waiting for him when he returns from his vacation with his wife and family? How are you going to handle it?
I am so sorry that you are hurting all over again, GMLB. We are all here for you, though. We will all get through this together.
I’m sad for you GMLB. That you went back to contacting him. I’m glad something shook you and woke you up to make you want to stop!
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I agree GMLB. No one can fix us. We must figure out what is going on within us and only we have the code/password to log in to that computer that is uniquely ours.
A good starting place might be figuring why you feel you need to be (super-wife/mom) work three jobs, clean, and be a PTA mom? Does your DH work more than one job too and do cleaning? Is he a coach or a PTA dad? If your DH is also being (super-husband/dad), then I could see why you feel the need to do the same and keep it balanced. However, if the scales are unbalanced with you doing a great deal more, then why is that ok with you?
Just some food for thought. And more importantly time to look for another T that can help you with the important questions so you can find the important answers.
Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.
It sounds like you have a very full and busy life, I am wondering with all that you have going on is that you escaped into something that took you away from all that you have going on into a spot where you didn't need to think about anyone else's wants but your own for a brief time.
I saw a T who said that if I got waht I needed from my H, I wouldnt look elsewhere. Im not so sure I agree with that. I feel I need to fix what is broken and empty in ME by ME
I think you should start by getting a new T. Any T who encourages co-dependency as a way of dealing with real life is not a good one. She is giving you bad information. You didn't have an A because of what is going on in your M, you had an A because of something that is going on in you. This guy (your XAP) is out of your life for six monts and then walshes back and tells you how much he thought about you; now he is on vacation playing good H. If you really think about it, if your H is inattentive and you don't like it, then what is a guy who walks in and out of your life when he feels like it. Sends a couple of texts, whispers some sweet nothings and then runs off with his W doing the husband thing. Seriously, how long are you going to be his side kick. He is so not worth that.
You're right...he isnt worth it. And Always, you're right too...Im not fully back in this time making it as hard to get out. I hadnt thought about that. I saw it as in just as deep, swimming in circles but in reality, my feet are only wet allowing me to roll my eyes and shake my head in disgust at myself.
IDK, maybe XAP did come back at a week time but seems like my need for validation and appreciation is always at a weak point. In answer to the other question, I work 2 jobs to help pay off medical bills for my son and the 3rd is my life long achievement job, something Ive always wanted to do. H works 2 jobs so we are indeed both very busy. DH is a great man but tends to be very complaisant in many areas and relationships are top on that list. I see how he is with his mom...sporadic contact, superficial conversations and in a friendly way, not a loving way. Its like he doesnt get deep enough, he prefers to scratch the surface and has walls built up.
So XAP comes back around and we start having in depth conversations about feelings and such and there I go walking into that nasty abyss again.
Ive been reading alot on here and it has helped. Im a work in progress but I know that I HAVE CONTROL of this. I can only let him take what I willingly hand over. I know the steps...blocking and walking.
Im trying guys, Im trying but wanted to let you know that I fell off the wagon. It is ME and I need to fix ME.
I'm sorry you are back GMLB. Your post really hit me because I just celebrated 6 months yesterday. I even mentioned you - I think it was you that called me out on referring to xap's wife as "the" wife. I needed to read this so I can continue to be strong and work on the things I need to work on so I'm not vulnerable to a surprise "attack". I think it's human nature to seek answers from outside ourselves. It's easier than doing the hard work it takes to become whole. Look at your xap for what he really is, not the love of your life, but a selfish, cake-eater that came back to the buffet to see if it was still serving. Hang that "out of business" sign in your window!
I just want to pipe in and say that I wouldn't necessarily kick the T to the curb just yet. I think although having an A is indeed ours to own in terms of responsibility, I think having an inattentive husband is part of the problem too and that your H has a piece in the marital problem. When marriages fail, it is never just one person's issue. Some are saying your T is
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GMLB,
Many of us have stumbled and some of us have fallen all the way back into the pit again. Don't beat yourself up over that because it's over and there's nothing you can do about it. You did what you did because it felt better and easier than dealing with the real issues of your unhappiness.
I am so glad you came back here. Keep your head held high while you go through the drill again. You know what to expect in regards to the emotional hell of ending all over again. You also know those intense feelings are going to pass in a few weeks. So just get through those feelings one day at a time until you get a chance to look at the bigger picture within yourself. Can you identify how you were feeling in life in general when xAP surprised you with the card and then his presence? Something was going on in your life that was uncomfortable, which is why it was so easy for you to re-engage in the A.
Are you going to T now? Perhaps you should think about changing Ts if you don't feel you got enough from the first one. I'm on my second T and he is incredible. I've done more work and grown more in six weeks with him than in four months with my other T.
Are you prepared in all the usual ways to end it? Does xAP know you are ending or does he expect you are waiting for him when he returns from his vacation with his wife and family? How are you going to handle it?
I am so sorry that you are hurting all over again, GMLB. We are all here for you, though. We will all get through this together.
(((Hugs)))
~alwayst2
I’m sad for you GMLB. That you went back to contacting him. I’m glad something shook you and woke you up to make you want to stop!
<>
I agree GMLB. No one can fix us. We must figure out what is going on within us and only we have the code/password to log in to that computer that is uniquely ours.
A good starting place might be figuring why you feel you need to be (super-wife/mom) work three jobs, clean, and be a PTA mom? Does your DH work more than one job too and do cleaning? Is he a coach or a PTA dad? If your DH is also being (super-husband/dad), then I could see why you feel the need to do the same and keep it balanced. However, if the scales are unbalanced with you doing a great deal more, then why is that ok with you?
Just some food for thought. And more importantly time to look for another T that can help you with the important questions so you can find the important answers.
Much love and big hugs,
E1
Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.
Hi GMLB,
It sounds like you have a very full and busy life, I am wondering with all that you have going on is that you escaped into something that took you away from all that you have going on into a spot where you didn't need to think about anyone else's wants but your own for a brief time.
I saw a T who said that if I got waht I needed from my H, I wouldnt look elsewhere. Im not so sure I agree with that. I feel I need to fix what is broken and empty in ME by ME
I think you should start by getting a new T. Any T who encourages co-dependency as a way of dealing with real life is not a good one. She is giving you bad information. You didn't have an A because of what is going on in your M, you had an A because of something that is going on in you. This guy (your XAP) is out of your life for six monts and then walshes back and tells you how much he thought about you; now he is on vacation playing good H. If you really think about it, if your H is inattentive and you don't like it, then what is a guy who walks in and out of your life when he feels like it. Sends a couple of texts, whispers some sweet nothings and then runs off with his W doing the husband thing. Seriously, how long are you going to be his side kick. He is so not worth that.
You're right...he isnt worth it. And Always, you're right too...Im not fully back in this time making it as hard to get out. I hadnt thought about that. I saw it as in just as deep, swimming in circles but in reality, my feet are only wet allowing me to roll my eyes and shake my head in disgust at myself.
IDK, maybe XAP did come back at a week time but seems like my need for validation and appreciation is always at a weak point. In answer to the other question, I work 2 jobs to help pay off medical bills for my son and the 3rd is my life long achievement job, something Ive always wanted to do. H works 2 jobs so we are indeed both very busy. DH is a great man but tends to be very complaisant in many areas and relationships are top on that list. I see how he is with his mom...sporadic contact, superficial conversations and in a friendly way, not a loving way. Its like he doesnt get deep enough, he prefers to scratch the surface and has walls built up.
So XAP comes back around and we start having in depth conversations about feelings and such and there I go walking into that nasty abyss again.
Ive been reading alot on here and it has helped. Im a work in progress but I know that I HAVE CONTROL of this. I can only let him take what I willingly hand over. I know the steps...blocking and walking.
Im trying guys, Im trying but wanted to let you know that I fell off the wagon. It is ME and I need to fix ME.
Many thanks,
GMLB
Wow.
Hi ya, GMLB -
So glad you came back - sorry, of course, about the circumstances... but, so so happy you came here again.
Hey, so, did you see _any_ improvement re: your sense of self during your strong days of NC?
I'm sorry you are back GMLB. Your post really hit me because I just celebrated 6 months yesterday. I even mentioned you - I think it was you that called me out on referring to xap's wife as "the" wife. I needed to read this so I can continue to be strong and work on the things I need to work on so I'm not vulnerable to a surprise "attack". I think it's human nature to seek answers from outside ourselves. It's easier than doing the hard work it takes to become whole. Look at your xap for what he really is, not the love of your life, but a selfish, cake-eater that came back to the buffet to see if it was still serving. Hang that "out of business" sign in your window!
Bodhi
Hi GMLB,
Im sorry you have fallen off the wagon but do you find you have learned anything from it?
I just want to pipe in and say that I wouldn't necessarily kick the T to the curb just yet. I think although having an A is indeed ours to own in terms of responsibility, I think having an inattentive husband is part of the problem too and that your H has a piece in the marital problem. When marriages fail, it is never just one person's issue. Some are saying your T is
Pages