the insanity continues
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| Fri, 11-18-2005 - 10:07am |
i just got off the phone with my academic counselor for school. i had to drop my algebra course because with everything else going on, i just didn't have time or concentration to put into the class. i feel so inept right now.....it's MATH! so why can't i get it??????? it's like the icing on the cake. this has been a bad week from start to finish. i mean, i'll retake the course in may and hopefully by then will have had time to get a tutor and get a handle on the course material, but it worries me that i still won't get it then. algebra has always been a major road block for me and could be the difference between me getting a degree or not.
minor as it may seem, getting that degree is my ticket out. without it, i'm stuck in the same situation i've been in for years with regard to my mother. and then there's my ex who i don't have the energy to go into a rant about right now.
i've failed.......again. and that mixed with the already depressed mood i've been in is not a good mix.
thanks for listening.
traci



YOU HAVE NOT FAILED !!!
God could not be everywhere, so
Can you REALLY say you've failed? Dropping a course is not the end of the world. In 1997, I earned my BA in music history, and in the process, I took one of my music history courses and a certain theory course about three times each. I had dropped out a lot because I had come down with BP in my junior year. But I got that degree. And a few years later? I got my masters! It was a long road, but I did it. I think you can do it, too.
Express!
Beth "Petrouchka"
as far as the ex goes, i'm still "on hold" cause my friend who is the clerk of the court, has not gotten back to me with the answer to which court i need to file in. i'm going to call my attorney back that i used in the divorce and ask him again to make sure i did not hear him wrong 'cause i can't just sit here. all sitting around is doing is making me worse, and i so don't need that right now. i'm sitting on the edge as is.
i really should have turned over some things to tdoc before she left town but, i don't know, i just couldn't. i don't know why.
i'm hoping the movie takes my mind off of things at least for a little while. and the drive should be good 'cause it gives me time to spend with my girls and dd(12) is so much like me the one on one should be good for both of us. i'm hoping anyway. i need to break out of this place i'm in. i just can't keep getting dumped on. it's killing me inside. i keep looking for that inner strength and it's getting harder and harder to find.
i really hate my ex right now for what he has done to dd(16). his timing couldn't suck any more. when i lost my dad i realized how important it was to have a good relationship with my kids, although i already had one. and my dad and i were very close, especially the last 6 months. and here is xh who is being a total jerk and alienating one of his kids. dd no longer wants any contact with him. that is ripping me up inside as well. i'm having a hard enough time just dealing with losing my own dad and now i have to sit back and watch xh pull this crap!
i feel like i'm rambling and not making sense, so i'll stop here. thanks for listening.
love u 2
traci
thanks beth,
i know it's the bp talking when i say that. i am one to be extremely hard on myself with certain things. school is one of them. and when this course went south it just hit me all wrong and i'm guessing it's because of all the other stuff going on right now. i just hit overload and saying i failed re: school was the easiest way to express what i'm feeling right now.
if people knew half of what's going on inside my head right now i probably would wind up i/p. i'm just tired. i'm to that point of where if one more thing lands on my plate i'm going to totally break down. i'm fighting it with all i have left in me to do, but feel it slipping out from under me at the same time. i don't know if that makes any sense.
hopefully you are right and i will earn my degree. right now i'm just in that very dark place and it just doesn't feel like a reality.
hugs,
traci
ok ok ok ok ok......It took me awhile to figure this out, but I'm going to tell you what I've learned...you need to let this sink in and remind yourself as many times as needed....ready?
YOU HAVE NO CONTROL OVER YOUR XH, YOU HAVE NO CONTROL OVER ANYONE BUT YOURSELF !!!
You CAN NOT punish yourself for a relationship that does not exist..you CAN NOT force this relationship to happen.
God could not be everywhere, so