Just want to introduce myself....finally!
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| Tue, 12-28-2010 - 5:33pm |
Hi, I've been reading on this board forever...since about Feb. of this year. I've tried over and over to end my affair. I've tried being his friend but frankly I'm sick of the whole thing. It has been an incredible, emotional drain. I am now 2 days NC and I feel really good about it even though there is still lots of mixed emotions. Mostly I can't believe how risky and selfish I have been for the last 18 months. I still feel like the the other shoes going to drop at any moment and something somehow is going to expose my terrible behavior. That's why I'm here today because I want to be accountable for my actions. I don't want to risk my marriage, my children, or even his family anymore.
I'm not a great writer but I'm here to learn and listen and hopefully contribute. I'm a MW with two children and he was a MM with three children. The affair lasted 18 months on and off. And, my goal is to start the New Year off fresh and with renewed hope.....
Thanks for listening!!

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Hello...and welcome! Sorry you have to be here, but this is where the help and healing begin.
I just wanted to touch briefly on something you mentioned. About waiting for the "other shoe to drop".
I
HC,
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Two days NC is fantastic around here. Many new posters introduce themselves only after a couple of hours of NC and I always hesitate to respond to them due to how soon it is. They
Welcome Hotcouture :) I'm glad you've come out of such a long period of lurkdome. I love your moniker! Since you've been around longer than me, you know what to do. And you CAN do it. 2 days will become 22 days and 222 days and so on.
There is no prerequisite of being a good writer :) Only a good heart and determination, and I'm sure you have that :)
New Year = New Hope and you can do it!
Bodhi
Welcome!
Welcome, HC!
>>We have a great group of women here, all in different places on the healing meter
Hi Feelin, Thanks for your response. I've been having a hard time looking toward the future because of my fear that something bad is going to happen. One of the side effects of my affair was that I was afraid to look forward to my "real" life future because of all the what if's.....what if his wife finds out, what if my husband finds out, what if we are seen by someone who exposes us! After a while, it becomes draining. I'm trying to look toward the future, but there is always that fear. I can see you know first hand. I know that I can't change the past and I can't predict the future but I hope I can do better in the present. Today will be day 3 NC! I hope that you and I both can look forward to the future no matter what!! It has to get better! I wish you the best.
HC
My bad. I should have said "A great group of people here," but if you want to be included in that group, this means posting more often and supporting others. That is what I meant by using the word "Great."
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Hi Iddy, I began reading here last Feb. and even posted under a different name but I went straight back into the affair when he came a calling. Over the next few months, we would break up and make up over and over, and I was tempted everytime to post but knew in my heart that the affair wasn't quite over. This time is different. This time I decided to post even though I'm scared but determined. For the past 6 months, the relationship was wearing on me both emotionally and physically. The damage done to both our families is very real even without being caught. I have no anger towards him anymore. In fact I wish him peace and forgiviness and I hope that he can work out all his issues. He just can't do it with me around. That was a big thing. He wanted to maintain a friendship but even so it had to stay secret. The secrets start wearing down after awhile. I want to fix my life and I hope that I can. I want to be a better mom and wife. My family didn't deserve me being so selfish. I'm crying right now not because I don't miss the affair or him, but because of all the damage I've done.
As far as blocking, there is nothing really to block. He threw away his pre-paid phone a while ago. But even so I've turned my phone off for the time being. I know that NC is for protection! I used to worry about hurting his feelings but I see now that so many other people's feelings would be hurt worse than his if this were to come to light. Anyways, thanks for your good words!
HC
Hi Bodhi, I've been reading your story for awhile and I hope I can be a success story like you. I look forward to each day that I can move past my affair. No more looking back but I'm looking forward! Oh, and thanks for liking my moniker....it comes from my deep love of overly-expensive designer purses!!!!
HC
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