fighting to keep my head.... trigs?
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fighting to keep my head.... trigs?
| Mon, 11-21-2005 - 10:22am |
above water. friday night i took all the kids and my mother to the new harry potter movie. that was good. then dropped ds and his friend off at friend's house for a sleep over, dropped mom off and took dd(16) and dd(12) to meet dd(16)'s biodad. dd(12) went for some 1 on 1 time with me after other dd left. that was cool. it was a nice ride, albeit late. all was going well.
biodad showed up to pick up dd(16) and i felt myself starting to lose it. so i did what i do best and shoved everything that was getting ready to come out right back down to my toes! i KNOW i can't change anything in this situation. he's married, happily to a wonderful girl, and has a son who is as cute as can be and everything is good.



Traci,
Many hugs, honey...I wish I were in a better place right now, to give you more support and encouragement...but just know that I love you and I"m thinking of you...maybe a day of "shutting down" wouldn't hurt anything...ya know? Sometimes we need that...
You can get through today...and then we will all be with you tomorrow...okay?
I hate that we are all struggling so badly right now...we just have to remember to count on each other...to lean on each other...to make it through.
Love you,
Keli
ya know...I had this great poem type thing I was going to share and I lost it.
God could not be everywhere, so
thanks donna. i think it would be so much easier if dd's biodad and i had parted on bad terms or if he was nasty. but it wasn't like that at all. it was a decision that for 16 years i've had to live with and question many times over.
when i learned i was pregnant with dd, he asked me if i wanted to get married. nobody knows how badly i wanted to say yes. i loved this man so much. but i'd seen too many "shotgun weddings" go bad. and i couldn't be sure if he was asking simply because we'd been irresponsible or not. he is an honorable and a good man and i didn't want him to feel trapped in a marriage. i severed all ties with him 'cause i just couldn't deal with my own decision until after i'd met xh and dd was like 5 months old. i finally called him and gave him the info i should have given him when she was born, but didn't. within a few days i received a check in the mail - $100 for each month since she'd been born. i never asked this man for a cent. but until xh adopted her, he continued to send money for support. ha- xh should take a page from his book! anyway, what went wrong was a decision i made.
i wanted to remain friends with him, rather than get married and have it possibly end ugly. so this was a decision i made based on "what if." and like i said earlier, i have resolved the fact that there's nothing i can do about it now. i'm going on with my life. but the feelings i have for him, still, resurface every time i see him. that's what gets me. we were both much younger then and we both made decisions that we weren't proud of, but are living with them and have dealt with them as best we can. i just don't know how to shut off love. and in order to deal with dd's budding relationship with biodad i have to find a way.
now, if this were xh i was talking about, totally different story. yeah, i get nostalgic at times, but it is a totally different thing than what i'm experiencing now. it's just hard to explain. but thank you for being here. i really appreciate it. you are a very good friend.
love u 2
traci
(((((keli))))) that's ok, i know you aren't in a good spot right now. you hang in there k? you can and will get through this. we will help you. thanks for keeping me in your thoughts.
love u,
traci