D-day ??'s...M ??'s!!!
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| Wed, 12-29-2010 - 6:45am |
I don't know if this is the right place to be posting or not so my apologies. But I need help!!
After a d-day, is there any certain time-line to follow where you can know what to expect? I am a week out, and H is all over the place with emotions. One minute he's moody and grumpy, the next he follows me around like a lost puppy wanting constant validation from me that I still want him...it's driving me NUTSO!!!
I totally get it. He has every right to feel insane. But for the love of God, I don't know if I can go on like this for months and months. Another horrible side effect of this is when he is clingy and all annoying, who do you think I compare him to? Yeah that's right...X!! How? Why? How can I even THINK a thought of "him" fondly after what my family is going through right now? I wish I could step out of my body and slap myself.

Thank you ILE...
SO many emotions swirling around right now! The foremost being GUILT. Guilt of the mess I've made, guilt of even MISSING X, guilt of knowing we were scheduled to "meet up" yesterday, and wondering if I'd of been strong enough to still say "no!"
Yes, time is the only hope for me/us now!
Whatever your feelings are, you owe it to your H to tell him why you had the A. No one deserves to be cheated on without knowing why their spouse cheater. Not judging because I cheated on my first H. It is our selfishness/seld-centered-ness which makes us cheat and not give our spouses the opportunity to decide wheter they want a cheating partner. Another thing, it sounds like you are passive aggressive where you hold your feelings in and then act out in a self-destructive way. I am the same way and I have to force myself to deal with issues head on before they get out of hand. When we cheat, we think our spouses would be devestated if we left them but in reality most people would rather you leave them than cheat on them. Most people do just fine when their cheating partner leaves. Seriously, it is time for some self digesting to find out what made you escape into an A and it's time to give your H some real answers about what you are lacking in your M. Your poor H's heart has been ripped from his chest, he deserves some answers. I will guarantee you that if your XAP had a D-Day on his end, he is kissing up to his W trying everything he can to save his M and blaming you for the A. It's how MM roll when they get caught. The XOW becomes the villan who "pursued" them which is a total lie, we know, but the MM makes the XOW out to be the devil who almost ruined his M (as sick as that sounds it's how they think). So don't waste your time thinking about him he is so not worth it, and you weren't worthy enough to him to not be hidden.
Hey FL,
I'm so sorry you're having to go through "two hells at once".
Oh Sweetie,
Feelin,
ILE's post was absolutely right on. Your H is going through a trauma. He is clinging to you because he needs you. You are experiencing guilt and are pushing him away, then feeling more guilt for pushing him away. You are trying to be all/do all right now. Just stop. Breathe. Get through the extended family Christmas (fake it if you have to--just suck it up).
This is all so fresh. Let the dust settle when you get back. Sounds like your H would be open to MC. You owe it to both of yourselves to have a third party professional help you both find your answers.
I believe what you (and me) and others here who have been married for 20+ years are going through is probably fairly common. It's what I call THE BIG QUESTION: Is this all there is? You'll have to figure out what the question means to you and what the answer is, but you can do that all in due time. You don't need to do it right
Alwayst2,
I don’t know if I’ve mentioned how much of a change I have seen in your replies and how spot on you are. You have been doing a lot of work on yourself and I it is showing in all areas. Most days I want to get a hot coco and sit back and read your replies.
Heart,
I see so much growth in you too over the past six months. Leaps and bounds my dear. It shows in your posts too.
FL,
Sorry to hijack your thread but I just had to give a shout out to AT2 and Heart.
I’m three and a half years out from D-day. I can tell you based on mine and the ones that I’ve posted through here that what you are both going through is normal.
It is normal to want to run back to your escape when the going gets tough just as a drug addict or alcoholic would want to reach for their poison of choice when life is getting hard.
Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.
First of all, hugs to you. I've been where you are, and it is a scary, overwhelming, roller coaster of a place. But, have faith that you WILL get through this, and come out the other side, and end up okay. I know that's hard to believe right now, from where you're sitting - but I promise you that it's true. So hang in there, okay? It does get better.
I will offer you the advice that I offer everyone in your situation: No big decisions right now. You and your husband and your relationship have suffered a major trauma - neither of you should be making any hard and fast decisions about your future right now. You aren't in your right minds, either of you - and decisions made in that state of mind could lead to major regrets down the road. You already have enough regrets on your plate, I'm sure. You don't need to be adding to that right now.
The board is acting up on me right now, so I'm going to hurry up and post this before I lose it - but absolutely feel free to pm me. I've btdt, and while I don't have any sort of "expert answers" - I'm happy to share my experiences and offer whatever support I can.
The load is always easier to carry when you have helping hands. :)
Hugs,
Kim
My advice right now is to really try a fresh start in the new year...even if it is just with your own soulsearching and your own attitude towards your M. Whether you realize it or not, the holidays can be a very overwhelming time for your emotions. Especially when you have to "pretend" that everything is fine...it can be a bit confusing. I really hope that things turn around for you.
I've been really scared about continuing with my own M. I recently watched "Eat, Pray, Love" and thought I could very much relate to her character. I've never put myself first, have always been in a relationship and married my H at such a young age that I feel I don't know what my adult life would be like without H in it. It's scary to think about life with my H and scary to think that I could be giving up so much more happiness than what I am feeling right now.
When you are ready...one tip my T had suggested is to have one date night a week. For you and H to go somewhere public and just talk....even if it's just over a coffee on a Saturday afternoon. I've talked about a "needs list" before...but my friend, who is a life coach, also has discussed writing a "needs list" for things that you feel you need in your M. Have your H do the same and swap the list. She said that a lot of times spouses don't really know that you really do need that specific "need" and this enlightens them as to what they can do to make you happy. And sometimes, the spouse will say they can meet 12 out of 15 needs...and you have to decide if the other 3 are dealbreakers.
HUGS to you hunny...and I will say that I hope 2011 brings much happiness and health to you and your marriage. xo
Oh my goodness you guys! ALWAYS,