Bonnie (firstglimpse)
Find a Conversation
Bonnie (firstglimpse)
| Tue, 11-22-2005 - 10:33am |
Bonnie,
Are you lurking? Just wanted to say hi and see how you were doing.
Love and Hugs,
Keli
| Tue, 11-22-2005 - 10:33am |
Bonnie,
Are you lurking? Just wanted to say hi and see how you were doing.
Love and Hugs,
Keli
Haven't been lurking until today. Developments have been slow until recently so no reason to post.
ALL ABOUT ME:
The very drug that killed my MIL, the drug that triggered H mania is the very drug kicking in for me, saving my soul & my parenting. (Zoloft) I'm feeling much better about life & much more focused.
Finished reading "How to Survive When They're Depressed." In this book I found the roadmap of our relationship and how we got to where we were by living with unmedicated BP. I now know where not to lay fault on myself as it was a natural progression. I also know how to cope with the illness. I highly recommend this book or any Depression Fallout book for your loved ones. I think I chose this one b/c it specifically targeted BP.
Finished reading 'An Unquiet Mind' to get a better understanding of what it is like to live with BP from the BP perspective.
I hyperventalated at my last therapy appt. He says I'm reacting to irrational thoughts. So next session he is going to teach me stratagies to work my way through the irrational & not to react to them. I'm very excited about it & can already tell just by having this knowledge I'm already starting to do this on my own.
---------------
ALL ABOUT THE CURRENT SITUATION:
I'm not calling him unless it's absolutely necessary. He told the OW he would never forgive himself if he did not try to save our marriage. She threatened suicide. She then suggested she could move in with him as a friend/roommate - plutonic - while he & I went to marriage counceling. Like that is going to work! He told her I was not willing so she threatened suicide again. Fearing he'll cause her death he asked me to file D. I told him he could do it, it's his decision he needs to follow through. Other than that I will not talk about 'us.'
He finally sees a psychiatrist on Wed at 9AM. I won't call him to find out how it goes. It will bug me not to know if he's on meds, but I need my boundries.
I believe he fell into the depression side of things last Tuesday. There has been no rapid speech and he says he's sleeping a lot. He started drinking again when the OW came into town for a few days ... she has a drinking problem herself. So it's possible he is actually choosing her b/c he thinks it will be less work.
To come home he needs to be alcohol free, on BP meds & seeking counceling for both. That will be work for him, not to mention trying to rebuild us at the same time. I don't feel ready to file D yet. NAMI rep told me today if the CC is in his name only I should not be held responsible if we do end up getting D. I secured all our funds the day he left to meet this woman.
Thanks for inquiring!
Bonnie
Edited 11/28/2005 11:31 pm ET by firstglimpse
"Only when we are sick of our sickness shall we cease to be sick."
~ Lao-Tzu, from The Tao Te Cheng
"Only when we are sick of our sickness shall we cease to be sick."
~ Lao-Tzu, from The Tao Te Cheng
Sounds like you're making real progress with yourself, Bonnie and that is what is so important. I wish you all the best of luck!
Hugs,
Keli
Hi Bonnie! It sounds like you've got an excellent perspective on what needs to happen moving forward, so kudos to you for thinking so clearly (that's NOT my strong point). One suggestion I'd like to make: I'm a recovering addict/alcoholic and I attend NA meetings. They're absolutely excellent and its no exaggeration to say that this program saved my life. In-patient, out-patient programs only work when you're submersed in them, but eventually they end and you're out there trying to figure out how to do this on your own. In NA, you can develope a support network and get a sponsor, and no matter the time of day you almost always have someone to talk to if you're struggling.
I can almost guarantee that your DH will not be able to do this alone - I mean without the support of a 12-step program.
Bipolar disorder and addiction often go hand in hand. Your DH couldn't figure out a way to soothe his BP so he resorted to drugs and alcohol to quiet his mind. I've BTDT. Once the BP is under control and he's clean and sober, the BP drugs will kick in and he'll be able to think somewhat clearly and hopefully see the situation with his OW for what she really is. The thing is that with so much chaos in his thinking, it's not surprising that he attracted this kind of situation. My personal experience with my BP is that during a manic episode I wanted, and indeed attracted, craziness in my life. It helped "use up" the mental energy from the mania, if you know what I mean.
Once your H gets some positive momentum, its possible for all these things to fall into place and you'll be on the road to rebuilding and getting both of your lives back together. Love and best wishes, Mo.
His psychotherpist (who happens to work for an addictive center) was trying to get him to go to AA at the very least to find a sponsor. This was right before the mania got out of control. He has been to AA before, I have been to Alanon & I would go to AA open meetings when he invited me. Neither of us really like the program. He is doing SMART online, or says he is, but he really does need a sponsor. Last time his sponsor was not that great, so he needs to find a better one this time.
I have guessed who his cell phone svs provider is & was able to log into his account & figure out some lies he's been telling me. Such as being on a suicide watch where he's supposed to call his addictive councelor every 24-hrs. I don't see those calls on his cell phone log. What's interesting is that he has not been talking to the OW. He told me he ended it last Friday, since last Friday I see one incoming call from her that lasted 4 minutes. Normally they talked 4-6 times a day for at least 30 min each. But now he tells me she is calling him all the time & will not let him break up with her & he cannot due to her being suicidal.
So a part of me wonders if he is setting something up so it appears he's sacraficing to come back. Perhaps setting it up so I'm vonuerable to easing up on the drinking & such. But nope ... I have my agenda & I'm not going to sway. He needs to be in treatment & be dedicated to treatment.
This is part of the reason I feel strong enough to back away now. It's time for him to start feeling like he needs to fight for us. When I talked to NAMI yesterday the rep was trying really hard to get me to call the crisis hotline. I was very near to doing it, but decided I need to back off. I want him to seek the treatment. I know that is the only way it will have a long-term effect.
Bonnie
"Only when we are sick of our sickness shall we cease to be sick."
~ Lao-Tzu, from The Tao Te Cheng
Bonnie, if you and your H didn't like AA, have you thought about just trying NA? That's where I go and I love it. I started out in AA and didn't care too much for it either, just found it to be a large room full of people either glamorizing their alcohol abuse or focusing on alcohol as the root of all evil. NA is about just accepting the addiction and taking steps to move on from it. We work the 12-steps a bit differently also - actually writing on them and going over them with our sponsor. In AA, as I remember it, the work wasn't as in-depth. You kind of just thought about them and then discussed it with your sponsor. I highly recommend he give NA a shot - even if alcohol was his drug of choice. It was mine as well, but once in recovery I realized that I would use anything - men, clothes, sex, chocolate, you name it - to escape. I'll bet that's what your H is doing with the OW - I've BTDT as well with another man.
Eventually we have to face the fact that none of these things, whether its alcohol, drugs, affairs, gambling, new clothes, whatever, are going to make us feel okay with ourselves. The fact that your H has BP isn't helping any, either. I know when I'm manic I make everything worse because that's when I'm most likely to act out on my need to feel good and I'm so "euphoric" from the mania that I can't think clearly and use good moral judgment.
Just my .02, Bonnie. I'm pulling for you guys and will pray for you tonight at the NA meeting I'm going to. At the close of the meeting we pray for all struggling addicts in and out of recovery. Best wishes. Love, Mo.