Things I've been thinking about
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| Wed, 12-29-2010 - 6:34pm |
Hello everyone...I am still here, despite my meltdown two days before Christmas where I contacted JAM and behaved remarkably like a bunny boiler. JAM finally responded to my relentless emailing - probably out of fear and desperation that I was going to spill all to his W - and told me yes we could be friends.
Anyway that was a week ago and I haven't spoken to him since, he is away on holiday with his family.
The day it happened I cannot recall ever feeling so totally out of character. I lay on my couch and this strange wailing noise was coming from inside me, only I felt like I was actually not even present...it was some primal reaction or response and frankly it scared the living daylights out of me.
I've done a lot of reading and thinking since then, and have kept asking,,,why? Why? Where did this come from? How can my entire self be dependant on the validation of one person? What is it that made me collapse like an infant?
Well, I've been reading a book which has been on my shelf for ages but I could never be motivated to read. It is called "From Abandonment to Healing" by Susan Anderson.
I've realised that as an abandonment survivor - I was in and out of hospital all my childhood years - I have actually been hardwired to react like this. There is a gland in our brains called the amygdala that influences hugely the way we react to perceived loss or threats. This has been incredibly helpful for me to realise - to know that actually I'm not a complete nutcase.
This doesn't mean I can't alter my reactions but understanding WHY has been very reassuring. Maybe it's the same for many of us. Only each of us can know for sure, what kind of background has impacted on us and created this almost maniacal need to cling even when the logical part of us knows it is not good for us.
I'd recommed the book if anyone is interested; it has some really cool insights and some actual helpful exercises to get me back in touch with the little girl who's hurting deep inside.
I was prompted to write about this after reading Newlife's post about not being loveable. I think we all feel that at some point in our lives, but it doesn't come from a place of logic. It comes from "Little Us" who just needs loads of cuddles and affection from "Big Us".
So anyway...I am still about, and still trying to get to the place where JAM and I are no longer in contact. I don't think I can do that until I have made peace with myself and with the past, but I do feel positively about getting to that point. I don't want to be in this place of sadness anymore and will keep posting and lurking and gaining wisdom from all of you...I hope that I can give some back as well.
Apologies if it sounds like I'm rambling :-)

Well, if anyone can relate to rambles, its me! :)
yeah! not sure what bunny boiler means either but ha thanks for your message. I can totally relate to your struggle and I am having to reset my NC counter lately because xAP and I have been in some contact via phone. I WILL NOT go see him but yeah, it's all contact. Keep up your hard work and reading! I looked up the book and it's actually called The Journey from Abandonment to Healing. I too am an attention hound and I find that I am hungry for attention anywhere I can find it and especially it in a room with many people at work or in family gatherings. It's terrible. No wonder I was a fly on poop too. I will pick up that book. Thank you for sharing!
Mwahahaha....
Bunny Boiler = think Glenn Close, Fatal Attraction
There comes a time when you just have to let it go...:smileyvery-happy:
Thanks for mentioning that book, Lulu, and sharing your experience.