Very complex
Find a Conversation
| Tue, 11-22-2005 - 6:05pm |
Hi everyone. I'm a lurker here, and the way my H has been acting, he may be bi-polar. Let me explain what he does and maybe you guys can help me. First of all, he treats me like I'm a complete idiot, he's like Jekyl and Hyde with his moods, and he always has a constant migraine. The worst part about it, he is very manipulative to the point where he could make me out to be an unfit, crazy person, even though I'm a very stable Mom. Unfortunately our kids are being affected by this, so I don't know where to turn. Here's some examples what he does:
I stay at home with my children (2 1/2 yr old and 3 month old). H works crazy physician hours. I ran to the store despite the weather b/c we ran out of something and came home as quick as we could with the rain and wind. So he calls me from his cell asking how my day was going and how the kids are. I said they were fine and that we just got back from the store. He asked if I took the kids with me!!!! I jokingly said that I left them at home to fend for themselves. He said I'm sure you did (and he was being serious!) I paused and asked him if he actually thought I'd be stupid enough to do that. He actually said yes - and he said it very plainly. I told him that I'm not an idiot (which he called me that before), and would NEVER do that - so there I was explaining this to him like I was an idiot anyway and talking to a policeman rather than my husband!!!! So he turns around and says you're not an idiot at all and you're so wonderful with the kids. I didn't call to upset you. Then he went on talking about work. I almost felt like I was being tested or something for him to deem me an unfit mother or something.
There were also other instances where I had asked him what was going on for Thanksgiving and he told me that we're not spending it with his family, nor does he want to spend it with mine, and wants to have a quiet one at home. So he calls me the next day to ask about the kids and he asks me if I was going to stay over my Mom's after "WE" go to my aunt's for Thanksgiving. I was confused and reminded him what he said. He turned around to make me look like I was imagining it and said of course we're going over your aunt's - we're not going to spend a lonely Thanksgiving at home. It confuses the living daylights out of me. I don't know whether he's trying to do something devious like end our marriage somehow to make me look like an unfit mother, or something is wrong with him. Even if something was wrong with him, he wouldn't seek help. I hate that our DD is really being affected by this. She has sleeping issues and wants me to be in bed with her at all times. If I go to sleep in our bed, she wakes up several times screaming for me. I don't know what to do! Does this sound like bi-polar to you? There has never been any physical abuse, or anything like that. Just arguing. He's not a happy man either.
Jen

keep in mind tho that i'm one of the least knowledgable on the board...but in any case i'm bumping this to the top.
it doesn't SOUND like BP to me..altho it could be..it could be something else too.it certainly doesn't sound normal.
do you think he might be abusing drugs?
just a thought.
Hey honey. I am by no means a behavioral expert but is it possible the man is a narcissist???? If you don't know anything about narcissistic behavior, you might want to do a little hunting around on the internet. The other thing is that your post mentions that he has never been physically abusive. But are you aware there are many forms of abuse, and mental is one of them? The constant attempt to keep you off balance and questioning yourself, as he has clearly done, is a form of abuse. You might want to post your story on the Recognizing and Dealing With Domestic Abuse board here at ivillage (under Love & Sex, Relationships, Problems) and see if you get any feedback there.
It doesn't sound bipolar to me, though. Just my .02. Love, Mo.
btw..before i dragged my h to couples threrapy(& no he didn't stay in it)he used to do the very same to me...for many many years.
actually just recently when he pulled an old stunt & i reminded him that he was told years ago not to do such things he replied.."well...if you told me not to do it years ago you can't expect me to remember"
anyway...narcissism IS a disorder.
it's a real hard call to answer jen. and please keep in mind that no one here is an expert in the field, only what we have endured and learned from being bipolar. but, i have to agree with suzi and mo both on the narcissistic personality disorder.
my xh sounds exactly like your h. and did he ever pull some stunts while we dated, were married and yes, even since the divorce. just last night he caught me on the computer and engaged me in a conversation that totally messed me up worse than i already was. i've been divorced from this man for 6 years!
and for someone with narcissistic traits the tendency for them to seek help or even agree to it are slim at best. their egos won't allow it. the first time my x told me he wanted to separate i insisted on marriage counseling. his response (and i remember it to this day) was "it won't do any good because YOU are the one with the problem, not me."
as for advice, i really don't know what to tell you. i know what i did and although it has been a very rough road, and he still gains the upper hand from time to time, it was the best decision i ever made for myself and my children. but this may not be the decision for you. there are no right and wrong answers. it's something you have to decide on yourself unfortunately. but remember that we are here and willing to listen. hang in there.
hugs,
traci
Jen,
Like the others, I'm no expert other than living day to day with BP, but I too don't think this sounds like BP.