xh did a number on me -poss trigs

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
xh did a number on me -poss trigs
4
Wed, 11-23-2005 - 12:01pm

as if yesterday wasn't bad enough, my ex im'd me last night. initially to tell me that his boss (my former boss) had had a quad-bypass surgery last week. i was glad to hear that he did ok with it though. then, he has the nerve to continue on with 'this is another reason i'm so messed up right now with all the extra work...' and to 'please tell the kids that he would love to spend more time with them, but because of this he just can't....' and THEN after that and saying good night, he had the nerve to ask if we have a court date yet. i've not said a word to him about this since he mentioned the bankruptcy and even then i never mentioned court. i told him that i was having a hard time emotionally today and i didn't want to get into the money thing. he asked what was wrong and i told him. 'oh, traci, i'm sorry...i didn't know.'


so anger mixed with depression leads me to do stupid stuff. and well, i did. i can't call tdoc yet, as she is on a plane right now and i really don't want to call her and tell her what i did. i had given her my knife yesterday, but forgot about the razor blade i had for my windshield decals. so i'm just not sure what to do right now. i won't go to the hospital. thanksgiving is hard enough on this family without me adding to the mix by going ip. i'm confused, angry and really hurting and i hate it all!


thanks for listening.


traci

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2005
Wed, 11-23-2005 - 12:24pm

ok...first of all...BREATHE !!!!!!!!!!!!


2nd...you get back on the phone with him, email him, whatever you need to do and tell him to talk to his kids HIMSELF !!!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Wed, 11-23-2005 - 12:49pm

Traci,


Does Paige know about the SI?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Wed, 11-23-2005 - 2:30pm

thanks marci. i threw the blade away a little while ago. dd is off balance with everything she's dealing with right now with her 'dad' and biodad along with the loss of her grandfather. she's contemplated si in the past, so i couldn't trust her with the blade. i went to the convenience store around the corner and tossed it into the dumpster there.


it all just hurts so much. i'm tired of having to check in with tdoc like some kid. i want stability. i want to find a way to cope that doesn't involve si. it's just so easy to turn to. too easy. i've got to call tdoc at 5 to check in and i don't want to 'cause i know i've got to tell her about last night. i'm scared to do that. the last time i got really bad i didn't say anything to her about the plan i had worked out. in fact, i didn't say anything to anybody. then in a session not too long ago, like last week or the week before, it slipped out and once i realized what i'd said i changed gears and went on to a different topic. she went right back to my comment and asked me why i didn't call her as i was supposed to. i couldn't answer her. so she answered it for me. she

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Wed, 11-23-2005 - 3:25pm

thanks donna. i did throw the blade away in a dumpster around the corner from me.


i feel like such a screw-up with all this, but i guess that's the bp talking. i don't know. but i am going to go away this weekend. after checking the balance in my checkbook, it's probably going to be with my friends in pittsburgh. so i won't be alone.


i just want to get back to where i was about a month ago. things were good, i was stable and was even thinking about tapering back tdoc appointments. now i guess it's a good thing i didn't. i hate all of this mess. the time of year doesn't help either. but i just need to focus on one minute at a time for now and work my way up. so we'll see what happens from there.


thanks again for listening and being there.


love u 2


traci