Tracey
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| Tue, 11-29-2005 - 11:41am |
How ya doin today???? I'm okay...a bit on the manicky side I think...but nothin major...
I'm really bad...had a LONG talk with the H word this morning and said a lot of things that needed to be said...in a round about way, he asked where this was going and I said let's not go there, PLEASE, but then I told him he could call me back later...I'm just so freaking bored...Do you think maybe I'm a bit too manic right now???? Should I not talk to him anymore???? I'm already setting him up, I feel it coming...why do I do that???? Its only with him...nobody else. Is it because I feel comfortable with him?? Because of our past??? I dunno...Luckily, I still feel too fat to actually go see him.
Anyway, just checkin on u...I hope you're feeling okay...
Just talk to me whenever you can...I promise not to do anything stupid...LOL.
:)
xoxo
k.

Hey :)
I'm ok. Just still feel a bit blah, but I'm ok. Was REALLY crabby last night. I left work at 1:30, went home and napped until 5. Then I couldn't get back to sleep until 4 this morning. Thankfully, I could sleep until 7:30! I had planned on taking an Ambien, but needed to do laundry and that took until 11...grrrrr. I AM taking an Ambien tonight.
Yes, btw, I do think you are manicky. I thought so yesterday actually, but didn't want to say anything...you are still in control of the manic instead of it in control of you so don't dwell...just be aware.
I think the reason you fall into that pattern with H is completely just because of your history. If I talk to guys that I had relationships like that with, we fall into the same old patterns too. You know how I fell abut it - your best bet is to cut contact and keep it cut. But if you feel you need this for a bit, then you have to do what you think you need to do. :) I won't judge you or think poorly of you because of it!
I love that you said you aren't going to do anything stupid. It's funny because I am so NOT worried about that with you right now. You seem more stable - bp wise - then you have for AGES! You are maintaining so well, even WITH the mood swings you are having. I think you are SUCH an amazing person - you have come through hades at least 4 or 5 times since we "met" and keep getting to the other side. Keep that in mind - be proud of yourself!
I am going to work a full day today no matter what. The weather here sucks - rained for 2 days and then late last night/early this morning it turned to snow. Temp dropped about 40 degrees from yesterday. So, it's cold, icy, and icky. Mike even shut the bedroom window this morning he was so cold LOL! Was great cuddling weather last night though!
Anyway, I should get some more work done. Am treading water, but not making a lot of progress on stuff...very tired and blah, but otherwise good!
Talk to you later!
LOVE YA!
Tracey
Yep, knew you were going to say all that almost word for word!!! I am definitely in control of my moods...and I am also more stable now that I've been ever...and this little swing is only because I've been out of my meds for several days now...I'm so not in any danger of becoming out of control again...thankfully. I really love Lamictal...and I can't say that enough.
I don't WANT to fall back into old patterns again. I told him this morning that I didn't want us to ever hurt each other again, and we did that so well. That I honestly didn't know what I wanted from him, if anything. I was honest about that. I told him he hurt me a great deal by not being there for me when I was dying inside and needed a friend most. He doesn't agree that he wasn't...I told him we'll never agree on it, but I just needed that said. He said his wife's cancer is back and has been for a while, and she's undergoing chemo again. I just told him I was sorry for that. But I couldn't help him. And I can't. He asked how we could be so horrible to each other and still care for one another. I told him it had always been that way for us...very love/hate...very volatile at times...not healthy. But it didn't ever mean we didn't care. It just meant it was a very dysfunctional relationship...as were all my relationships while I was manic. I told him how very different I was then/am now. I grew up...I learned some very hard lessons and hit rock bottom more than once. But I picked MYSELF up. I didn't have anyone to do it for me...I had to do it myself.
Anyway, I know I'm talking too much...but I'm soooo bored and ready to get outta here today. I did some work earlier...have more to do...
I hope you do take an Ambien tonight early and get more rest.
UGH on your weather! It rained here for 2 days too, but its still in the 60s for now...will be colder tonight and tomorrow though. I need to take a half day off tomorrow to get some errands done, get my meds, groceries, etc. But I'm not going to. I will only spend money I don't have. So, I'm going to stay all day. See, I AM in control. :)
I talked to my mom last night and she was crying and depressed. I don't know what to do for her...there isn't anything I can do...I feel helpless, and I don't know how to separate myself from the situation. It makes me crazy. I talked to her for a while, it seemed to help...then Dad came home from work and they went out to eat and then she was better. But tonight he works til 9...so she'll be counting on me to talk to her. I hate feeling guilty about not wanting to talk much...but I am stuck.
Hang in there...love you.
What happened??????????
he is sooooo stupid...after all that nice conversation, fun light, just chillin out stuff...he leaves me this message and says that our talking again might not be a good idea (after further thought) because he wants things from me that i "seem not to want" and that i "may feel pressured" and conversation just isn't enough for him at this stage.
i didn't even bother.
:)
Probably best to follow that course of action - just don't bother. He is looking for a cheap and easy piece on the side. At one point in time, you were looking for the same thing - and then it was ok for you to have that relationship with him. But now it is different and I don't think that is what you want. He is too self-absorbed and stupid to see beyond what he wants. Erase his name and number from your life.
I am just miserable. Only 3 hours left though!! I finally called the dr - I feel like there is something stuck in my throat. It started the other day. It is AWFUL. Kind of a combination of how I think I would feel if someone punched me in the throat or when you get a pill or piece of food stuck right there in your neck. Turns out it is most likely still irritation/inflammation from when they had the breathing tube in. Thank GOD I wasn't awake for any part of that thing. BLECH. Told me to drink a lot of water (I am refilling my glass at LEAST 1x an hour already - it holds just under 16 oz), clear my throat often (doing it), and start taking a liquid antacid like Mylanta - just in case there is any type of acid reflux going on - that will keep it irritated. BLAH!! Good thing I needed to stop at the store and spend more of my rent money anyway! I am going to start using chloroceptic spray too. I love that stuff when I have a sore throat - completely numbs it. Hopefully that will stop me from gagging...is driving me crazy.
Hang in there - H will go out of your mind eventually :)
Love you!
Tracey