went to tdoc....
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| Wed, 11-30-2005 - 1:21pm |
...and was brutally honest. i told her everything that i'd been thinking about doing, and when she asked me what stopped me i told her it was my kids. but that i'm even doubting the benefits i'm giving them right now. she of course reminded me about how important i am to them whether i see or not. kinda like you all have been doing. but she thanked me for my honesty 'cause she knows me and knew that wasn't easy. it was a painful session for me because the crap going on right now has more to do with me than any of the external crap. unless its all tied in together. i don't know anymore. she's not happy that i'm sleeping as much as i am. nor is she happy that i'm isolating. i just told her i'm doing the best i can right now and i just don't have the energy to put out there. she hasn't mentioned the 'h' word yet. so as long as i stay off my roof and keep away from sharp objects, i guess i'm safe from at least that for the moment.
then my stupidity kicked into high gear. my mouth engaged way ahead of my brain and i asked her if i could have my knife back. yeah, well y'all can imagine how that one went over. anyway, just wanted to update you.
traci



well it might not seem like it right now, but I'm sure the appt was helpful...to at least if nothing else, you were able to get all of it off your chest.
God could not be everywhere, so
Traci,
I am so proud of you for letting it all out and being honest with your tdoc. Sometimes I need extra sleep when I am so spent. My tdoc and pdoc says it is good to sleep for awhile but then you have to get back into a routine back to "normal" activities. Sleep helps us repair ourselves. So go ahead and rest. Can you try and take a walk for 10 or 15 minutes a day? I was doing that until 3 days ago and it was helping me. I am going to start back up tomorrow. I walk to the pier and look out at the bay. It is good for me to
thanks tina.
i may try a walk. i had hoped my day would get better after my session, but things happened and i got much worse. to the point that i had to call tdoc tonight. after that, i sat down with my 2 youngest kids and watched tv. even ds who is 9 was more cuddly tonight than he'd been in quite a while.
tdoc wants me to sleep, but she doesn't like the fact that i'm isolating at the same time. she wants me to start going to both of my alanon meetings again. i've dropped back on those and she wants me to contact my sponsor more frequently. i just find it hard to leave the house unless i absolutely have to and even talking on the phone is hard for me right now. i just feel so talked out. i can write much easier and i'm noticing that's starting to become challenging.
i just need a break. i need something to go my way because right now i'm fighting a losing battle. tdoc says that's the bp talking, just like everyone else here has. i'm just having a hard time seeing it.
thanks again. you hang in there too.
hugs,
traci
I am really glad you were "brutally" honest with tdoc, hon...you really needed to be...that took much courage and i'm really proud of you...it couldn't have been easy. Now, you HAVE to wait it out...it sucks! But there is no "quick fix" as much as we wish there were. You remember when I was soooooo depressed and couldn't get out of it...I finally did, just like everyone promised...
There is hope...it doesn't feel like it right now...but its there...its deep down inside and you have to find the strength to go deep down in side yourself to find it...i have faith in you, that you can do just that...maybe not today...or tomorrow...but it will happen...
Its a very scary time...but it will be okay...I promise it will...if it gets TOO scary, you HAVE to go to the ER, but you know that already, so I won't harp on it.
Take it hour by hour...don't look toward the future...you cannot let the future rule today...it will only cause you more stress and frustration and that in turn will feed your BP and this current episode. I know it isn't easy for you...and its easier for me to sit here right now and say this...but its what you have to do. We've all been where you are and we're here to help you back up.
Love you,
keli