He wants to rebuild

Avatar for firstglimpse
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Registered: 04-08-2003
He wants to rebuild
6
Sat, 12-03-2005 - 4:52pm

H came over today for our dd's first birthday. He tells me he had a surprise visitor yesterday. The OW just showed up on his doorstep. He told me he told her he cannot have a relationship with anybody until he tries to work it out with me first. He claims she could not get a flight out of here until tomorrow. He also says she's still threatening suicide so he couldn't stay here for very long b/c she travels with her own personal pharmacy & he didn't dare leave her alone.

Before she arrived he had found a therapist for us to go through. I don't know when he wants to move back home, we'll be meeting on Monday to discuss how we're going to rebuild.

He seems to be holding a lot of doubts which scares me, but perhaps once we start talking more we can figure out what it is he believes our relationship needs.

Bonnie




"Only when we are sick of our sickness shall we cease to be sick."

~ Lao-Tzu, from The Tao Te Cheng
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Registered: 05-22-2004
Sun, 12-04-2005 - 9:38am

That's great, Bonnie. I'm sure you guys can work everything out. My DH and I went for counselling for quite awhile before he actually moved back in. We didn't tell the kids we were going for counselling just in case things didn't go well. My kids were a little older than yours at the time though. Please let us know how things go.

Take care,
Lori

Avatar for firstglimpse
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Registered: 04-08-2003
Sun, 12-04-2005 - 12:46pm

I have 2 concerns right now, He is still unable to turn her away and I believe he still sees our marriage as he has rewritten it to justify his actions. I have written the following letter & want to send it once she is gone (he said he'll call after he drops her off). Can I please get input on this letter as I really want to make sure we're ready for the next step:

-------------

After you left yesterday I began to contemplate our current situation. I believe you want to rebuild our marriage and you believe you are ready. Yet, seeing you were not able to turn Lori away when she arrived unannounced on your doorstep makes me wonder how dedicated you are at this time.

Everything I’ve read in regards to rebuilding a marriage states all communication with the other person needs to be completely cut off. I do not know if you are ready to make such a commitment.

I am ready to address the things I’ve done wrong in this marriage. I am ready to negotiate how to bring us back together. This will take a great deal of work on both of our parts. If you are not yet ready to let go of Lori completely I fear our work will be compromised.

I am asking you take some time to think about your current strength in making such a commitment to our marriage. Do you believe you can turn away any attempts Lori makes in reaching out to you? What will you do when she leaves you phone messages, emails or if she was to show up again? Can you erase her messages without listening/reading them? Can you not answer the door?

I understand ending your relationship at every level with Lori is a very difficult. I believe you will need time to heal once you do. When you are ready to make this commitment we can discuss our future.

-------------

Bonnie




"Only when we are sick of our sickness shall we cease to be sick."

~ Lao-Tzu, from The Tao Te Cheng
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2004
Sun, 12-04-2005 - 4:44pm

Aahh, I have the same name as your DH's OW!! That's terrible! Not all Lori's would have an affair with a married man!

Your letter sounds great to me. It took my DH so long to get over the OW, he claims he was addicted to her. That was really hard on me, as I felt he still loved her. This was all before he got on meds., and once he was on meds. for awhile he didn't feel addicted to her. He still sees her from time to time and talks to her sometimes for work. (They don't work at the same place, but they have the same position with the same company) The OW actually moved 80 miles to transfer here, and I think she moved for him. (When they were still seeing each other).

Anyway, I think you should send the letter. How far away does this OW live, and how can she afford to just hop on a plane on a whim?

Take care!

Lori

Avatar for firstglimpse
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Registered: 04-08-2003
Sun, 12-04-2005 - 5:23pm

H is/was addicted to her, that was the only way to describe how he was behaving. He couldn't work, because had to spend all this time talking to her. He couldn't spend time with our kids b/c he was talking to her. When he came back for a few days to wait to enter treatment I told him he could not call her while staying here. He came up to me one day acting like he was suffereing withdrawl begging for 4 minutes. Finally I agreed (since her grandmother had just died) & he did time it, kept it to 4 minutes & seemed satisfied afterwards. Strange indeed.

The OW is living on a trust. So she is not working or have any other responsibilites. I know this is what H likes about her, she can devote as much time as he wants to him. Where I cannot do that. I work from home & have 2 small children I tend to all day long.

We live in Northern Oregon, she lives in Sacramento, CA area.

Yes, you share her name as does H's first love years before we met me. I am threatened by this name now, but what is really in a name? :-)

Thanks
Bonnie




"Only when we are sick of our sickness shall we cease to be sick."

~ Lao-Tzu, from The Tao Te Cheng
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2004
Sun, 12-04-2005 - 7:08pm

Hi Bonnie, your H does sound like my DH when he was addicted to his OW. It is like a fix for them, a drug really. My DH still has somewhat of an addictive personality, and I'm sure always will. He will become addicted or obsessed with things, like a spreadsheet he was working on for work, or even games on his cell phone. I really want him never to go in a casino, as I know he would also be addicted to that. I hope things go well this week with your H on his med. I think he may start to see things a lot clearer.

Take care,
Lori

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Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 12-05-2005 - 7:54am

Bonnie,

I have to tell you...you've handled this EXTREMELY well. Amazingly well. And look what its gotten you...an answered prayer.

When my dh and I were in this same situation (yes, he was addicted to an OW too), we finally decided to "rebuild" too...IT WAS NOT EASY!!! There were many times I wanted to kill him, because it wasn't easy for him to break all ties "just like that". But you have to hang in there, and be patient, just like you have been...at the same time TAKING CARE OF YOU!!! Things will work themselves out. They did for us, and if they could FOR US, they can for anyone. He and I went to hell and back, literally...and now, our marriage is the STRONGEST its EVER been.

I'm so proud of you...you've educated yourself about his illness...and that is so very important to you and your future. Not many people care enough to do this, as BP can cause MUCH havoc and hurt in people's lives that we don't even REALIZE at first.

I'm glad you're still keeping us posted, and remember you're always a part of this board!

Love and Hugs,

Keli