I hate this so much...
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| Mon, 12-05-2005 - 3:25pm |
I hate to complain...I hate to whine...I hate to bother anyone...but I hate this stupid RA crap more than anything else in the world...I am in a LOT of pain today...all over my body...every joint from my neck to my toes...I'm cold, exhausted and hurting like hell. It hurts to sit...It hurts to lay down.
So I call my dh, just to check in, and he seems as if he has some kind of attitude...now, it may be just me...but he is my only "relief". Hearing his voice, his reassurance, somehow helps...emotionally, if not physically...but he didn't act very glad to hear from me...I didn't even bother to talk to him...just said i'd talk to him another time. I know it isn't fair to put the burden of my pain on someone else...its MY pain.
The weather today sucks BAD. Its raining very hard, tornado watches, its getting cold again...
Again, I may be imagining things...but I hate when I feel like someone's burden. He is usually so good at supporting me, that when he doesn't, it hurts my feelings.
I want to cry, scream, go home, get in my bed and take enough meds to knock me out for as long as possible. Sometimes forever seems like not such a bad idea...
I feel like a big old failure...at 35 years old, I still feel like a kid...someone needing to be taken care of...I'm broke half the time...my kid basically raised himself...I have both mental and physical illnesses...I've gained so much weight I can't even remember what the real me looked like, until I see a picture and then I just want to hide forever. I still rent, and I don't know if I will ever OWN a house...hell, I can't even get a reliable car. I've been in legal trouble. I've hurt people I loved.
I don't even want to start looking at my future. OMG. If life is this bad right NOW, what will it be like in 2, 3, or more years? If I can barely get up my stairs in my house NOW, what will I do when I can't at all? How will I get around when I'm so stiff that I can't get up and down?
Its not fair. I want off this ride...right now.

ok..did I trigger something?
God could not be everywhere, so
keli,
i'm sorry you are hurting so much. and i wish i had words of wisdom. but you know where i'm at. so just know that i'm thinking of you and wishing you feel better. you and donna both deserve to.
traci
Aw Keli, big (((((hugs))))). I hope it gives you some emotional relief to check in here and see how much youre loved by us :).
You remember I felt that way, in such despair over my life, a few weeks ago. I don't suffer with chronic pain issues, but I have many friends who do (most of them I met in NA! LOL) and I can't imagine what its like. I'm sorry you have to go thru this.
It's okay to feel like a big baby some days, I know I do. I'm so responsible for so much stuff for so many people, I too wonder where is that person that's going to take care of me?!?!? Unfortunately, I've also learned that I'm the only person to take care of me, and as much as I feel totally inept at the job some days I keep trying. I pray for the strength to deal with only what's on my plate TODAY.
Please don't project to what your life will be like in 2 or 3 years. I can go there myself, very easily, and worry about my DS8. A few years ago I made a decision that, with God's strength, I've been able to carry out: just enjoy the fact that DS8 is okay TODAY. Don't worry about where the situation is heading. If you don't remember, DS8 has a progressive neurological disease and a shortened life expectancy. If I walked around with that over my head every day, I dont know how I'd survive.
Try to do the same thing. You're right here, right now. You're not 5 years ago, you're not 5 years into the future. You're where you are TODAY. Try to deal with just that. And as I told someone on this board yesterday, don't give up 5 minutes before the miracle happens.
Love you, Keli! Mo.
Don't feel bad for whining, as I've been told!
Dhs are just a pain in the neck! Its their JOB to be there for us, so don't feel bad. He should feel bad for being like that! You aren't a burden to him, you are his wife. My dh was the same way this morning, having a bad day at work.
I have fibromyalgia, so I feel for you, though its nothing as bad as RA, it still feels horrible to be in physical pain and emotional pain. Hang in there, its probably the weather changes. Go away bad weather!
We all have bad days and good days, it will get better. Hang in there.