He wants to come home
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He wants to come home
| Tue, 12-06-2005 - 10:33pm |
He wants to move back home on Monday. I think he'd actually like to sooner, but realizes the OW has to be completely out of his life & he plans on taking her to the airport after she's released from the hospital.
I asked him, are there not things we need to address before you come home? Like what it was he felt needed to be changed by me where I was not fullfilling his needs. He became quiet, then looked sad, shook his head & said nothing. He then told me he keeps looking back and cannot figure out how this all happened, he doesn't see him being unhappy in our marriage. He says there are already long stretches he cannot remember.
Are we moving too quick? I just want him home so the healing process can begin.
Bonnie

Do you feel you are moving too quick? You know, when my DH left me, he could only find fault with me, and took no responsibilty for our problems. Once he was on meds. and diagnosed, then I think he felt bad, and started to realize that I wasn't the only one to blame, that he too had his faults. I think once he is thinking clearer, then things between the two of you will be much better.
You need to do whatever you feel is right, if your not ready for him to move back yet, then tell him that you need more time. If you are ready for him to come back, then let him. I really think it should be your decision, not just his.
Hang in there,
Lori
Oh I've wanted him back quite some time ago. I want to start healing & do not want to be alone this month. My brother died Dec 22, 2004. I would really like adult company in my home through this time. (My brother would have turned 38 tomorrow, Dec 7th.) I'm dedicating Dec 7-22 to my brother. I will be burning a candle in the window each of those nights. I had told people of H was not back by Dec 1st I wasn't going to wait. Seeing he's been making great strides since before the 1st I've been waiting, but do want him home. It's been him needing the time, so I haven't pushed.
The anti-psychotics are definately working. Even with all this stress he's been through today he is more himself than he has been in 6 mos. Seeing & hearing the 'real' him makes my heart ache, I miss him so much.
With his reaction today, I don't think he blames me any more. He did last week, but today he sounds sincere when he cannot see what I've done wrong. I believe I have done some wrong and have been working on those traits since he left. I think I was taking advantage of him some due to my own depression (bad - bad 2 yrs) and didn't realize how much he was taking care of me. But the Zoloft has brought me out of my depression, I'm feeling more confident in myself and cannot believe how good I feel these days. I think it's the craziest thing I seem to have a heightened self-esteem rather than lower since my H ran off with another woman ?????
I'm excited to take my 12w NAMI course so I can do my part to set my own boundries with this illness & know how to help my H when I start to see him cycling again. I really do see a lot of positives in this whole situation, as painful as it's been. I'm excited to see the outcome. Worst case scenario, H doesn't still take this illness seriously - but then I will know without a shadow of a doubt he never will & I can move on. For now, I think my H, I & our children deserve to give him a chance at taking care of this for real now.
In all honesty, we love each other deeply (that is why this was so confusing for me). We've even had strangers comment on their observations of our love for each other. I really believe we can heal and continue our lives with each other.
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Edited to say
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Having the night to think about it, I cannot allow him to come home until I see ACTION on his part to prevent further communication from her & we come up with a plan of action of what we'll do if she shows up on our doorstep. She's already shown she will do that by coming to his apt when he stopped taking her calls before. I know what can happen as that is what my step mother did 2w after she promised she'd stop all contact - 2AM in the morning she was pounding on our door & my father did go out with her to calm her down ... notice I said step-mother. So I need to step carefully here.
Bonnie
Edited 12/7/2005 11:03 am ET by firstglimpse
"Only when we are sick of our sickness shall we cease to be sick."
~ Lao-Tzu, from The Tao Te Cheng
He is not living with us now. He is with his parents. He does spend a night or two on weekends to be with our daughter and have more of a normal family time for her. He also stops by during the week to pick up tools and have lunch with us. It is better this way for all of us.
I hope I'm not stepping on any toes here but have you ever been to Al-anon? It's a 12 step program for friends and family members of alchoholics. Your husband has a duel diagnosis. Even if he uses alchohol because he is BP there are two separate issues to adress here. What about Ala-teen or Ala-kid to help your children cope with this?
Yes, he is sick. But it is HIS responsibility to deal with it. Not yours. the OW, or his parents. Just like if he was diabetic it would be his responsibility to manage his diabetes.
I just hear you saying a lot about HIM, the OW, etc. I know that is up in your face right now but sometimes I wonder. How are her kids? What is she doing to take care of herself so she can take care of her kids? There is a saying in 12 step programs to "keep the focus on yourself."
I think you are making a good choice not letting him come home right now. My partner wants to come back too. I love him dearly. I would like an intact family too. But what I have to provide my daughter is stability and consistency and I'm the only one who can do that. Once I made that decision I have felt more peaceful than I have in a long time. My partner has been on his meds for 2 1/2 months. He still struggles with guilt, lack of confidence, memory loss and the need to find that new normal. Our lives have changed forever. I can't see the outcome. I may not even understand the outcome until it in the past.
Take care of yourself.
hottllipps
I really don't post much here beyond the BP & what is going on in his life since this is a BP board. If you ever want to know how I or my kids are doing you can ask.
We're actually doing pretty good. I'm feeling pretty good about myself right now, better than before the whole A started. I have lost a lot of weight and my therapist did want me to make it my goal to eat better, but I haven't quite accomplished that yet. But it is not due to stress, but rather time and/or forgetfullness.
Liam (3y): I talked to his preschool teacher recently and she says he is doing great, she would never guess there is a crisis at home. She did say sometimes it takes about 4 mos for it to show up though. He does need a little more of my time, but we do things together still. Every morning we snuggle for a while. Sometime during the day we do an activity together. Then at night his bedtime ritual takes about an hour as we do end up playing a little bit through it & he's picking out really long books now. He still seems happy, especially since my neighbors have joined in to really help out too. The neighbor across the street will have him come over & they'll bake. The neighbor kiddy-corner plans funs stuff for them to do, like my gigantic bubbles. This is the neighbor who took us to Zoo Lights a couple of Sunday's ago. They paid for everything and then took us out to dinner afterwards. We all had fun (I did get a little depressed as I felt daddy should be there, but I didn't let it show).
Tara (1y): She is a playful little critter. She is all over the place. I feared with her being colicky for 3 months that she would be cross a lot. But she's not, she's demanding, but usually quite happy. She has been taking steps here & there but doesn't really trust herself yet. She started to give really good kisses on her birthday, last Saturday. In fact it was for daddy. She was in her highchair having cake when he left. He walked over to give her a kiss goodbye & she turned her head & puckered up. She likes to tease Liam a lot. We tend to have a best times after Liam goes to bed. We sit on my bed & play all sort of games. Her favorite right now is to guess which hand is holding her toy.
Finances are sketchy, but I have my list of organizations to contact once it appears to be too much. I know what I need to do and where to go, but I believe I need to use up more of my savings before they will really help me anyway. I've been able to focus on my work a little better and have kept up with my 4 hours min a day.
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Her kids, she has none. This is why this is so hard on her. She is infertile & I think she figured if she could get a man who loves his kids as much as my H does she could have an instant family. The whole reason she asked her H for a divorce was b/c he would not do invetro (that was the very day she started calling my H). Two days later she called a friend of hers and said, 'I think I could love another man's children.'
I know this is his illness & it's up to him to treat it. This is why I've taken such a backseat in this whole ordeal as it is the first time he's taken the right steps to get help. It is a slow process, I'd like to see it happen faster. But with this type of illness it does seem to help if somebody is there to help them along. There is a book called 'How to Survive When They're Depresssed.' You might want to check it out of your library. It is very helpful & discusses how to set boundaries for yourself (which I'm learning to do now), but it also describes how & where you need to get involved in their treatment.
Thanks for asking about us!
I've been pretty busy so these are not updated, but enjoy!
www.liamconnor.com
www.taralynmccracken.com
Bonnie
"Only when we are sick of our sickness shall we cease to be sick."
~ Lao-Tzu, from The Tao Te Cheng
Hi Bonnie, I'm glad you have reached a decision that feels right to you. Did you tell your DH that you don't want him home yet? If so, how did he react? You do have to think of yourself and the kids, as you need a stable life for everyone.
Take care,
Lori
I haven't told him yet, he's been all caught up in her today. I did ask if he's thought of any measures to prevent her from contacting him and he said he'll change his cell phone & said at least she doesn't have our home. I then told him she did & has called here so it would also need to be changed, plus we'll need to make it unlisted.
Beyond that I haven't talked to him much, just letting him know how important it is that there be no more contact & I expect action on his end. He has not slept in 3 days and his voice sounded off again this morning.
I think she was released at 2PM today & I think my H went to go get her. So I doubt I'll hear from him again today. I'll let him know though - I don't call him any more. I'm not trying to delay it, just figure it's not like he's made any steps to move home anyway so I don't need to rush to him & say you cannot.
One day at a time.
Bonnie
"Only when we are sick of our sickness shall we cease to be sick."
~ Lao-Tzu, from The Tao Te Cheng