My Night...probably trigs...
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| Wed, 12-07-2005 - 8:13am |
I was really mean last night...to my dh...but man, I was in so much pain, and so dang depressed...and I couldn't help it...so he kinda took it...then he told me that he understood that life was really hard for me right now...with my pain, depression, and BP stuff all going on at once...and while he couldn't change any of it, he was there to love me, and take care of me. I told him it was soooo rough and I wanted to give up...just lay down and give up. He told me I couldn't give up now...that I was the strongest woman he'd ever known in his lifetime, besides my own mother...that he loved me, mike loved me, my dog loved me (lol), my parents loved me, and you guys here loved me...that i just couldn't give up...that i had to be strong a little longer...not for anyone else, but for myself. That this wouldn't last forever. I told him I felt like it would...but that I know deep down somewhere inside that it won't. But that it was the hardest thing I've ever gone through. He's saved my life once again...
I want to give up...I do. But for now, I have just enough hope to keep going. I have just enough faith left, to keep going.
I don't know how to get through the holidays, because I hate them...I just do...everything about them this year, just grates on my nerves. I hate my tree, I hate the music, the people, the cheery goodness...the FAKENESS! The material BS.
I know I'm just negative and I'm sorry and hope I don't offend anyone.
I'm not going to do anything stupid, like kill myself or anything...if I was even close to that I would go I/P QUICK. But it doesn't stop the THOUGHTS of WANTING to give up...ya know??? I'm just tired of fighting a never ending battle.
I'm not doing any drugs, or drinking...no self medicating anymore...I know what that leads to...but sometimes I WISH I COULD! I won't. BTDT and it had awful horrible consequences and ended me I/P each time. I've come too far for that. I'm at least very proud of that.
I'm just going through something...and you guys are the only ones I have...the only people in the world I trust with my innermost thoughts and feelings.
Don't worry about me...I'm just talking out loud...
Love to you all!

btw: I took 2 Ativan and 1 25mg Seroquel and slept finally...only waking up twice instead of 50 times...so I did sleep much better...it was harder to get up this morning cuz of the grogginess...but I need the sleep.
why is it always SOMETHING??????
why can't things just be SIMPLE??? NORMAL????
I want freaking normal so badly...and I will never have it...and its not fair...
I've never had it, its probably why I am still searching and yearning for it so badly. But if I never had it, why am I missing it???? I don't know what it is!!!
Sorry...lol.
do you ever just sit back and wonder what normal is?
God could not be everywhere, so
Aw Keli, big ((((((hugs)))))) to you. Don't worry, I don't think anyone here panics when someone shares thoughts of wishing they were dead. We ALL know the feeling. Run over by the BP express, you know? Wanting to give up. Tired of fighting. Trying not to wonder whether it will EVER get better, whether you will EVER live a normal life. Believe me, as I've already dumped out on this board, I've BTDT.
I feel badly that I've been tossing my spiritual beliefs all over this board recently, but I'm going to throw it out to you, too. Try, just try, asking a higher power for the strength to get thru just today. If you don't already have a higher power, find one fast! It doesn't have to be the all-knowing, damning, judgmental God who sits up on a throne in the clouds. In the 12-steps, we find a loving and caring God who wants us to be happy. If you haven't considered that there may be such a power out there who WANTS to help you, you might try to get with that concept. Somedays, it's the only thing that gets me thru the day.
I'm glad that your H came thru for you last night. One other thing about having a higher power is that he/she/it won't ever disappoint you. Humans often fail our expectations, but God never will. That power is ALWAYS there for you, in good times and bad.
Ok, enough about that! LOL. I'm sorry that you're going thru this. Christmas, the holidays in general, are a really difficult time of the year. I think they grate on everyone's nerve, whether they admit it or not. It's a ton of extra work, no one is really that happy, and we're all trying to do business as usual, while adding in baking an extra 12 dozen cookies, spending hundreds of dollars of gifts for people we haven't seen or spoken to in ages - gifts that they probably won't like anyway. Don't give in to that commercialism. Did you happen to watch the Charlie Brown Christmas show last night? Remember what the season is really about.
I've preached enough for one post. You hang in there, Keli, and don't ever be afraid to express yourself honestly. I think most of us have felt how you feel, and it's so refreshing to be able to come to this board and see that you're not alone, that others are tired of living as well. Love you! Mo.
Hey Mo,
I have a higher power in God...and its not the damning judgemental God in the sky you descibed either! I pray for strength every day and I know that's where I get most of it from. I don't believe in the whole religion thing, but you don't have to, to have a relationship with God. But that's my opinion and I know many many people don't agree with that one.
Thanks for your support. It does help to know I'm not alone...
I totally MISSED charlie brown last night and its my all time favorite, darn it!!! That's why I get so upset at the holidays, nobody remember the real reason for the season...its way too commercialized and my own son is on top of that list.
Love you,
Keli
Donna,
You're so right...there is no NORMAL and I know that...
Just sometimes I wish there were...I wish I could get up in the morning knowing what mood that day was going to be...
But I have to accept (and find) what MY normal is...
My normal isn't so bad after all, if you look at some of the IDIOTS i work with...they are so stupid, and most have PhDs after their names!!! :)
Love you!
Keli
my h bought a super huge one too & then asked my to rearrange the furniture.......
anyway..did you take your seroquel??????