unable to deal - trigs
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| Wed, 12-07-2005 - 9:51am |
i've been trying and trying and trying to figure out a way out of this mess, or even what all is contributing to it. everything comes to me so sporadically that i can't keep up with it long enough to write it down.
i talked to tdoc 3 times yesterday and pdoc once. pdoc adjusted my seroquel again and said if that doesn't work he is adding lithium........not taking me off anything else. wtf??????? 300 mgs of wellbutrin, back up to 1200 mgs of trileptal (he changed that one too), back to 350 mgs of seroquel, 50 of trazodone. i'm on more than enough meds and he wants to add more?! i'm sick of meds. they aren't working so why not just pile more on.
tdoc made me promise her on the phone that i would call her not only 1 time a day but twice now. but i think that's part of my problem. i feel like i'm being babysat. people keeping tabs on me. ya know? i know its her job and that she cares and all that, but it makes me feel like a failure because i can't keep it together.
i got to thinking this morning about it more. i just plain can't handle life anymore. i've been going full speed for so long and i've finally run out of track. my job, my school, my mother, and most important my kids, all rely on me to perform up to and/or above par. and for years i've done it.



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you know what i told you last re: the meds...now, i have to be VERY honest with you right now...and please don't get upset...
YOU NEED TO BE IN THE HOSPITAL
You're right...you are unable to deal...and something very very bad is going to happen, unless you a) go into the hospital, or b) a miracle happens and your meds start working out of the freaking blue...
They have messed around with your meds so much now that we have no idea WHAT is working and what is NOT working, but its quite OBVIOUS that NOTHING is working.
Please, please, please, consider going I/P right now...your kids, your job, your mother, will be okay for a few days...but if you are gone FOREVER, they will NOT BE OKAY.
I love you and I want you better. You aren't getting any better like this.
No, you cannot "do other things". Period.
Keli
oh traci....I really don't know what else to tell you other then what i've been saying.
try not to look at it as being babysat...its not that...these are people who are sincere in your wellbeing.
God could not be everywhere, so
keli- i really need to talk to you. i've got questions about all this. i've got to go out for a bit but will be back later. please let me know if we can talk.
traci
donna - you and keli are both right and i know that. there's just things stopping me from moving forward. i'm scared to death and full of questions about all of it. i will let you know what i decide. thank you my friend.
i love u,
traci
thanks keli - i got the message and sent you an e-mail. you all are really good friends.
love u,
traci
what is stopping you?
just let me know if there's anything i can do...i'm worried about you.
we all care about you...we love u, and we will be by your side for as long as you need...and more !!
God could not be everywhere, so
donna - i sent you an e-mail. it's all stuff that has stopped me before - the kids, my mother - who will take care of them? - my boss my job, all that stuff and cost.
i'm confused, scared and ashamed. i'm holding off on any decisions until i talk to tdoc in a little bit. but something has got to give and soon. that much i know.
thank you my friend.
love u
traci
I got it and responded.
God could not be everywhere, so
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