New here..I'm lost and scared

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2005
New here..I'm lost and scared
3
Thu, 12-08-2005 - 11:58pm
Hi...
I'm new to this board. I don't really even know where to begin. Please bear with me. I have been very sick off and on for about 6 yrs now. I know i've been depressed my whole life. The few memories I do have from back then are not good ones. Sad. I was diagnosed with Bipolar 2 about 3 yrs ago. I had several bouts of depression before this. I have been on so many different med combinations I don't remember them all or if they helped at all. Nothing has really helped alot unfortunately. So I give up after a while and decide I may as well stop taking it. I know better, but each time I still do??
I have wondered so much about whether this dx is right? I still do. I have memory loss...like blocks of time. I don't like being around people so I isolate myself pretty much. I am embarrassed alot because when I try to talk to someone I usually forget my train of thought halfway though. It will never come to me either, not anymore. Seems like if I'm not hyperfocusing i'm not able to do things. So much so that if i'm on the phone with someone I can't have the TV or radio on...and I have to remind the girls Mom's on the phone...Sshhhh...Most of the time i have to go into another room altogether. Why am I so easily distracted? I'm afraid of life. I get physically sick sometimes before I have to leave home. I have gotten to the point now where all I can do is get my girls off to school each day and back home. I do homework, dinner, clean only what I have to, keep the doors shut and don't care to go anywhere or have company. I don't really take care of me. I do try my best for my kids though. They mean the world to me. I also have arthritis in my back and have been having a tough time there. Just got insurance coverage so new primary doc gave me new meds to get me started back again. Now i'm searching for a good pdoc...or any pdoc. Hard to find around here. I'm playing phone tag with one now so..maybe i'll get in touch with him soon. I am a miserable person these days.
I don't even know if any of this made sense :) I just need to talk to other people who can relate. I don't have much support. I'm divorced and Daddy does see the kids but won't help out other than his every other weekend thing. My family thinks I should just "snap out of it". IF only it were that simple. Thanks for giving me space to spew! :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Fri, 12-09-2005 - 8:23am

hi joy and welcome. other than that, i wish i could offer more than that, but you have found a really good place to come and vent and find support.


i wish i was in a better place right now so that i could offer you something, but know that i am thinking of you.


traci

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2005
Fri, 12-09-2005 - 9:53am

Hi and Welcome.


The first thing I was thinking when you were talking about being ditracted and all is add/hd...has anyone brought that up before?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2005
Fri, 12-09-2005 - 7:53pm
Thanks so much Donna and Traci. It is so nice to have somewhere to go with my feelings, thoughts, etc. without being judged or put down. I asked my pdoc about the ADD and he prescribed Ritalin for a month. I never went back to him. I was also on lithium at the time and really felt kinda dead. Just felt like I was somewhere between alive and dead. Very hard to explain. I was just going through the motions. So I stopped taking it. I knew the doc would be upset so i didn't go back. I have to accept that this is my reality and find a good pdoc and stay with it.
I have really made a mess of things, its hard to face it all!
Thanks for welcoming me... you ladies are so nice.
Joy :)