i think i've made a decision - poss trig
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| Sat, 12-10-2005 - 9:34am |
....if i have my way about it. while i know deep down that it's probably best for my kids and myself, i just can't go i/p. with docs that have a poor reputation to begin with in a community where mental illness is not understood on top of it, i do not see where this would be of any benefit to me.
the med changes may be working somewhat. i no longer want to go up to my roof. i'm still fighting urges to si and still can't keep anything down though. would it bother me if something happened to me? i can't say yes 100% but i can't say no 100% anymore either.
but from what i understand, if i no longer have the will to carry out my plan they can't force me into the hospital. and with what i've heard about our local hospital and a few things i've read here recently you couldn't pay me to go in.
pdoc never got back with me yesterday, so i'm hoping he calls me monday. while the meds seem to be doing something, they're also making me sleep a lot more than i already was which if i don't work out is gonna get me in trouble at work. it's gotten hard to keep up with my school-work. when i'm not having trouble keeping my assignments straight, i'm sleeping instead of doing the work.
this is why i'm tired of meds and tempted to stop them. they keep me from being suicidal, but prevent me from doing the things i need and/or want to do. so what kind of life is that? i don't know anymore. i'm back and forth and hoping that i'm in a decent place when i have to call tdoc later. she can see right through me when i'm trying to convince her that i'm *fine* or even ok. i just want stability - no more back and forth - or even fewer episodes. i know they'll never be 'gone' but dangit! i'm sick of them as for me the depressive episodes just get worse every time. and my manic episodes are almost non-existant.
well, thanks for listening to my rambling.
traci



well...for what its worth, I think right now its good for you to just sleep.
God could not be everywhere, so
Traci:
Just for the fact that you think everything is so hopeless and that you think you are better off not taking your meds (which keep you from being suicidal) tells me that the ONLY place you should be right now is in the hospital. You are NOT going to get better the way things are going...at least not in a reasonable time frame. You have been struggling for as long as I have known you. It is futile to keep trying the same things over and over again and not make any progress, going I/P can make progress for you.
Yes, there are always stories about how horrible the hospital is, BUT if you talk to the people on this board that have gone I/P, most have had very positive experiences. See if you can tour the facility, it should show you that it isn't as awful as you imagine.
I am sorry to be so blunt, but you know that is the only way I can be.
Good luck
Tracey
donna - as for taking leave from school, not without taking yet another huge financial hit. which for me right now i just can't do. that would do far more harm than any good that might come of it.
tdoc is back in town and called me just a few minutes ago. she's moved my appointment up to 5:30 tonight. not sure i really want to go, but know i have to.
yesterday was not a good day. and today, aside from my bus run which i managed to get through, i've been sleeping - until tdoc woke me up.
thanks.
love u too
tracey - i know what you are saying and you're right........i've struggled far too long with this garbage. and yeah, i/p is probably what i need. i know i need to be on meds. but the meds i'm on aren't doing it. they were working for a brief period but then i rolled into the worst time of year possible for me and had a lot of extra stuff thrown into the mix.
i meet with tdoc tonight and if she brings it up again i will ask her about the possibility of a tour. i can't make any guarantees right now, but everyone here is right and i know that. there's just an awful lot of forces at work that keep me from going in so i've got to really give this whole thing some thought. that's as good as i can give you right now.
thank you my friend,
traci