silly me

Avatar for suziq_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
silly me
2
Sun, 12-11-2005 - 5:51pm
i'm actually feeling HURT that pdoc hasn't answered my emails in 3 days after asking me to email him daily during my crises.
like he's gotten tired of me.given up.laughing behind my back.all the paranoid feelings i could have.
i confessed to tdoc what i had done.
some people have their own ways of hurting themselves.i let people hurt me.use me.& tell me it's for my own good.well.if its me it doesn't matter.but when they bring up my children who can,when they are not in their right mind,work their way around that?
so...here's the thousand or so dollars...keeps those freaking demons from my kids.
god i hate myself.
but confession is good.when someone knows what you've done it feels better.
so.
not only am i having a very very very hard time with this new symptom being insomnia but wanting to stay in bed forever & waking like clockwork at 2 am every morning & when i try to sleep after that its an intricate excercise that is more exhausting than staying awake.
i can no longer read.
i am desperataly unhappy.
i have hit my wall.
the pdoc doesn't like me anymore.
surprise.
the doorbell rings.
it's my mother(ugh)& my brother i haven't seen in 2 years visiting from paradise.
i am forced to put on a happy face & pull up a recource of energy that is almost physically painful.i find it difficult to keep up with them when i'm feeling well.
i managed most of the day with out snapping.
ALMOST managed it.
my mother pushed me.she pushed me too far.where it was none of her bussiness & she doesn't see my pain.she sees everyone's pain but mine.
i have to stop.my mascara wil run & i still have to endure dinner.
i wish i was dead.
& my pdoc has forgotten me.
how will i face him on tues day.
i always say too much when i don't want to say anything.
i wish i was dead.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2002
In reply to: suziq_3
Sun, 12-11-2005 - 10:00pm

Suzi, if you don't get help from the pdoc, get it somewhere. YOU REALLY NEED IT! In the meantime, {{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}} and prayers.

Express!
Beth "Petrouchka"

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: suziq_3
Mon, 12-12-2005 - 7:43am

Suzi,

Pdoc doesn't hate you...he probably got busy...but i promise he doesn't hate you...

Please hang in there...and stop doing whatever you're doing to hurt yourself...

Just come here and talk...don't worry about talking too much...there is no such thing here...we love you and we want you to feel safe, and loved...you are worth it, ya know.

Mothers have a way of pushing us, even when they don't realize it...I'm sorry that happened to you...but its over now...its in the past...ground yourself...today is all you need to focus on...

How are you doing today? Talk to me.

Love and Hugs,

Keli