I am not doing well at all...MAJOR trigs

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
I am not doing well at all...MAJOR trigs
3
Wed, 12-14-2005 - 7:53am

i am really depressed...crashed hard yesterday...knew it was coming, but it hit me soooo hard...i cried all night long...over EVERYTHING...i hate my dh...i hate my ds...i hate life period...i hate my witch ex SIL because she took my niece away from me that I loved more like my own daughter...I hate that its Christmas...i hate being bipolar...i hate being crazy...i hate being a bad mom, and yes, i am a bad mom...that was proven to me last night...my ds is a really spoiled horrible brat...and i caused it...he and his dad hate each other basically...and i'm in the middle...i'm tired of all the pressure that i'm under...i hate life...i hate being bipolar...yes, i know i'm repeating myself...i hate getting out of bed...i hate being so fat now...why do i even bother trying to put on makeup? i'm still fat...i got on the scale this morning, big mistake...but i guess i wanted that punishment...i hate not having a life...i hate being freaking bipolar...

i want to run away...i REALLY want to run away...but i can't, because if i do, my dh will kill my ds...or vice versa...so, instead of running away, i want to stay in bed all the time...what's the point of getting out of bed??? its always going to be like this...crashing...mood swings...depression...dark days...wanting to not live like this anymore...i don't...i wish i could disappear...really disappear, like forever disappear...

i am tired of crying...i'm tired of trying...i'm tired of being the strong one...i just don't want to do this anymore...and i really don't have to...its my choice, to be here or not...the only thing keeping me alive right now, is my ds...and he doesn't even appreciate me...he's mean to me...i know he's a teenager, and they're all evil at times, but mine is worse, and i did it...

my dh is disapppointed in me because of it too...

i don't like seeing my mom a f'ed up on methadone...she can't even barely talk...her words are slurred...she talks crazy sometimes...its hard.

my life is just too hard...i'm so done with it.

i don't want to do it anymore. i really don't. so i'm sitting here wondering why i do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 12-14-2005 - 8:11am
am having major panic attack...dh said to come home...but i really shouldn't...i need to be at work...but i don't know if i can...i can't stop crying, i can't breathe...i am losing it...i am really really losing it...
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2005
Wed, 12-14-2005 - 9:23am

ok, I know you left...but first off, you are not a bad mom...do you have any idea how different kids are with/out add/hd???????????

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God could not be everywhere, so

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2005
Wed, 12-14-2005 - 2:49pm

Donna is right. You are not a bad mother, ADHD kids are much more difficult. Hell, my kids dont have it and I feel like I am losing my mind, and I dont have PTSD or any other stuff that you do much less the fibro and RA, so dont you EVER beat yourself up because you have a teenage boy whos a poo poo head. My brother and my stepdad fought EVERYDAY for like 10 years, and now once he moved out and is a bit older(hes 21) they still dont like eachother but they dont fight at all because when one of them gets mad the other leaves. SO let them do or say whatever they have to, and if you dont want to hear it, then get in the car and go for a drive and tell DH to call you when they are finished acting like children. Someone told me something once and it has stuck with me for a long time. IT IS NOT SELFISH TO TAKE CARE OF YOU.

You do what you need, as long as DS is fed and clothed and has his basic needs met and is not in jail or on drugs, then I say you are a great mom. There were times when my BP was so bad that I didnt bathe my kids for a couple of days at a time, or they ate cereal for all three meals because I didnt want to get out of bed to cook them anything. And they were babies, so if anyone is/was a bad mother, its NOT you. Sure you have made mistakes and done things you regret, but who hasnt. Dont let this stupid BP talk you into going i/p understand?

As for your mom, I know thats hard as hell to deal with, but can you do anything about it? Is there anything you can HONESTLY do? If so then do it, if not then know that its not in your hands and you did everything you could up to this point and just let her know you love her and will be there regardless if she knows what you are talking about or not. At this point I think telling her this stuff is more for you than her anyways.

DO NOT GET ON THE BLEEPING SCALE!!!!!!!!!!! Thats one sure fire way to make your depression worse and you know it.

We all love you and hate that you are feeling so badly, but I refuse to let you think any of this crap anymore about yourself if I can do anything about it.

Please check in as soon as you can
Love
Rebekah

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