big trigs

Avatar for suziq_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
big trigs
3
Sun, 12-18-2005 - 7:40am
i wrote a suicide email to my pdod & i'm bringing it to my tdoc this mornin to read it to her.
i told my h i hate him yesterday & he told me i don't/
i told him all the ways he hurts me & he told me he doesn't/
i told him how much i need my therapy & he told me all i need is him.
i tried talking to my mother & she changed the subject.
i tried talking to a friend & he wanted to talk about sex.
i am all alone & the bad people won't go away/
i can't recall a happy moment in 12 years.my dr. said...look how much you'll miss.
what?tell me exactly what i'll miss.
i'm through wishing
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
In reply to: suziq_3
Sun, 12-18-2005 - 11:27am

suzi - i know exactly how you feel because i am feeling the same way. i will tell you though the one thing that is keeping me going is my kids. many people here and my tdoc have all reminded me many times about what such an action would do to them.


you are a good mom. i see it in your posts. you love your kids and your kids love you and you need each other. what would happen to your kids if you were suddenly not here? if there is nothing else stopping you then hold on to that.


maybe going i/p is an option for you? i know many people here say it has been the best thing that's happened to them. unfortunately it's just not an option for me so i've had to build up a really good support system. this includes calling my tdoc at all hours if the need arises. posting here even if i have to repeat myself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2003
In reply to: suziq_3
Sun, 12-18-2005 - 12:18pm

Suzi,

I don't know you, but I know some thing which are relevant: I know what it feel like to be suicdal -I made a real good attempt on my own life in 1988.

I know what it feels like to look back now on that '88 attempt and say "OMG look at all I would have missed had I succeeded"

I also know what it likes to be a young child and have one's mother inexplicably die suddenly. It is the worst, most awful set of feelings you can imagine -far worse than the sucidal depression -and I don't say that lightly. And it lasts for YEARS. Persists for a lifetime, albeit in lessened or modifed forms, it never actually leaves. I blamed myself (for a ruptred berry aneurism -go figure). My Da fell apart. From 8yo I raised my younger sister: got her up, washed her, dressed her. Took her to school, helped her with her homework, sang to her when she was afraid (often). I lived in fear of my father dying. I used to sneak down to his room (terrified though I was of the dark) to make sure he was breathing. I could go on and on and on, but I am upsetting myself.

This will pass. It's not REAL. It's the BP making you feel this way. It's not you. It's not real and it will pass. -keep telling yourself that. repeat it like a mantra if you need to. I do.

Hang on. It will pass.

-Paula

-Paula

visit my blog at www.onesickmother.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
In reply to: suziq_3
Mon, 12-19-2005 - 10:40am

Deep breaths, honey (you're the second person I've posted that advise to this morning). That suicide note may wind you up in I/P, which is probably exactly where you need to be. Take a break from life for a while. It hurts like h#ll when no one takes your pain seriously, but don't, PLEASE don't, do anything drastic.

I'm not going to tell you about all the things you'll miss, because I know for me, most of those things don't mean squat at that moment. You need to free yourself. I don't know what your marriage is like, but your H doesn't sound very supportive. Maybe you need to free yourself from that relationship. Maybe life would look a whole lot brighter if he didn't keep you from counseling and dependent on him for your emotional well-being, because we all know that emotional well-being doesn't come from anyone else. It comes from inside us.

OK, so now I have to introduce the higher power thing. Sorry about this, Suz. Some days its the only thing that gets me thru the day, or the hour, or the minute. I'm in a 12-step recovery program from addiction and I've been blessed to find a God of my understanding. It's not the judgmental, damning, gray-haired God sitting on clouds in the sky. Its a much kinder, gentler, but just as powerful God. I ask Him for the strength to keep going. I tell him I don't want to keep going and might not be able to keep going on my own power, but if He has a plan for my life, then please give me the strength to hang in there and see it thru. "Thy will be done."

That's all I'll say about the God thing because I don't want to scare or annoy you or make you think I'm a Jesus-freak or anything like that, cause I'm not. I've just found this incredible source of strength and when I'm feeling like you're feeling, its the only thing that's going to pull me up out of that abyss.

You hang in there and keep posting to us, if you won't consider hospitalization. Might be the best thing for you. Just give it some thought, honey. Love you, Mo.

mo 7-18-10