Lost...big trigs

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Lost...big trigs
3
Mon, 12-19-2005 - 9:14am

I thought I'd already bottomed out on depression the other day, nope. This weekend was hellish. I'm having horribly bad thoughts and I'm so lost. I want to die. I don't want to kill myself, get that straight...but sometimes I wish I had the guts to do so...but I don't...I do want to die, to end this stupid BP cycling...it will never get better...yes, I have okay days...okay weeks...but never more than that...and this stupid RA crap...I am in so much physical pain...from my neck to my toes...literally. It had gotten to a more manageable level...then the depression and pain both decide I needed a hit...

I hate Christmas this year...all the stupid commercials on tv about the happy families, and happy people...why can't I be one of the those people? What did I do wrong? Yeah, I know I did a LOT wrong...but I did a LOT to pay for it too...I guess maybe I'm not done...

Suzie...I know how you feel. I have one male friend who I try to talk to, and all he talks about is sex too. Why do I even try?

The scary part about all of this...is that I don't even really care much anymore. Lock me up forever...in my head...I don't care...Let me walk around like this forever...fat, depressed as hell, no life to speak of...

I stayed in bed all weekend...literally. Because I couldn't get out. I could NOT leave the bedroom. The only reason I am here at work is because I've taken so much sick leave already...its gone. I have 8 days of vacation time left until June.

I don't want to talk to anyone...period. I don't want to see anyone and I'm at work with these STUPID people that I can't stand.

I took 3 Ativan and 2 Seroquel last night at about 2 a.m so I could go to sleep.

I also tortured myself by watching SVU all weekend...a huge trigger.

I don't know where to turn, or what to do, or if I even care enough to do anything.

Have a stupid meeting now. Have to pretend I'm all okay for everyone's sake AGAIN. Just like always...so they don't think I'm breaking down again...god, I would love to go off on everyone here...show them what its really like.

Sorry.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2005
In reply to: keli003
Mon, 12-19-2005 - 9:34am

(((((((((((((((((Keli)))))))))))))))


hun...I'm so sorry you had such a bad weekend....I was thinking of you.


I really don't know what to say right now...I wish there was something I could do or say.

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God could not be everywhere, so

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
In reply to: keli003
Mon, 12-19-2005 - 9:59am

keli- i can't add much more to what donna said. she's right and we all have to take it one day at a time.


i know how you feel about not having the guts but having the desire. i have been and continue to battle that daily.


i would suggest that you call your pdoc and/or tdoc. i know your feelings about i/p, but maybe if they think you should go, maybe you can get something while you are in for the ra? don't know how it works but it's just a thought. get that going and get your meds tweaked if needed, anything to get you back on track.


i wish i had more, but know i'm thinking of you. i've got to go call tdoc for my check-in. i'm about 14 hours late:(


love u,


traci

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
In reply to: keli003
Mon, 12-19-2005 - 10:29am

Deep breaths, my friend. I can feel your pain jumping out of your post. You remember not so long ago I didn't want to wake up anymore either. It's passed. The feeling is gone. The meds are kicking in and I'm forcing myself to just focus on what I have to do right now.

I know what you mean about the stupid commercials, but c'mon, Keli, you know that no real family is like that! My family is arriving at my house this week (from California and Florida) to stay thru the holidays. This is a truly dysfunctional bunch. My H just laughs (but he's the biproduct of a dysfunctional family as well. Who isn't???) We grew up on pins and needles, and no one has ever been allowed to express any feelings. We're all very polite to each other. I always liken my family gatherings to a bunch of folks who get stuck in an elevator together, start making small talk and find out that they have a lot in common so they make plans to get together for lunch or something sometime in the future, but it never happens.

One trick that sometimes works for me is to search out the humor in the situation. And Keli, there's humor in every situation, no matter how dire. Even if it's gallows humor. I've laughed in the intensive care unit with my son in acute respiratory distress. You've got to find it. Laugh at yourself, laugh at other's people's quirks, laugh about being bipolar, whatever you can find. Even if you're the only one laughing and everyone else things you out of your gourd.

Try, as hard as you can and as difficult as it might be, to take it all lightly. On one of my yoga tapes the instructor, Baron Baptiste, says that angels fly because they take themselves lightly. Believe me, I'm not daft or anything. I'm an intelligent person. Sometimes you just have to refuse to let it get to you. I'll be chuckling about my dysfunctional family all week, instead of allowing myself to spiral downward. And I don't mean I'm laughing AT them, because that wouldn't be spiritual. I'm laughing at the quirkly things they do and what motivates their behavior.

Find the lightness and find the humor. I even volunteer to help you. Post what you're going thru and I'll lighten it all up for you (I don't want to do that in this post because not everyone is receptive to this kind of therapy). It works for me.

Love you, Keli, hang in there. Mo.

mo 7-18-10