(((KELI)))
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| Mon, 12-19-2005 - 9:59am |
Hey you! I'm sorry you are in an ugly place right now. I know you don't WANT to talk to anyone, but I wish you had called me so I could at least let you vent...do you still have the calling card? I have another one for you if you don't.
You are in the homestretch to your RA appt...they will be able to get you some relief on the pain. I am sure it is not a coincidence that your depression hit when the pain came back full force - and I am fairly sure that a lot of the depression is FROM that pain. You are still very lucid.
Oh, btw, QUIT WATCHING SVU!!!! NOW! It isn't going to help anything and you don't need any more torture in your life.
Ok, so you HAVE made mistakes in your life, but you do not deserve to have all this pain. You HAVE paid for your mistakes, tenfold. Stop feeling like this is a punishment that you earned through your behavior. It isn't. Still, keep in mind that you WILL make it through this.
I know you HATE being at home, but I think you should at least explore going on disability leave from work - even if it is short term - do you have any type of long-term leave for medical reasons? Probably is what people use for maternity or if they get cancer and need to be off during treatment. Check into it. You more then qualify and I KNOW your pdoc would sign off on it. Worse comes to worse, Eric will work more.
This year is almost over. It was a really lousy year for you, I know, but think about where you were last year at this time...you were a LOT worse off emotionally. You have gotten SUCH a good hold on your BP...now you have this new obstacle, but I know you will overcome it.
Hang in there, and talk to me any time you need to!!
Love you
Tracey

Hey Keli, just wanted to send out some love and comfort your way. I hope you're feeling better, even a little bit, today. I've got a dumb question, but what's SVU? I'm not a huge tv watcher - it's football, Nancy Grace and Larry King for me.
You know, Keli, I've done some horrible things in my life as well. We've kind of talked about this before. Mostly during my active addiction, the rest in the throes of mania. YOU'RE not a bad person, you just did some bad things. I believe in a higher power who understands the obstacles we're up against in life, and understands that sometimes we aren't driven by pure motives, sometimes we're just crazy. As long as you're trying to do the right things now, I just can't believe He'd hold that against you. My higher power isn't punishing, judgmental or damning. He walked the earth and was human in all ways except that he didn't do the idiotic, hurtful things that humans do. His closest friends were fishermen and prostitutes. That doesn't sound like the kind of guy who's going to pass judgment on us for what we did, now does it?
If you're thinking of karma, well, I believe that we all have a chance to turn karma into positive energy. I think I had a conversation with Donna recently about positive energy and thinking only positive thoughts, and that will generate positive things in your life. If you live in positive vibration with the universe, you will attract positive things. If you live in negative vibration, well, you can guess what you'll attract. Try it, as an experiment. It seems to work for me, although I have to say that it sure isn't easy. When the bottom is falling out on life, it's so, so difficult to hold on to positive thoughts. But just try. Just for the heck of it. See what happens.
Hold on, and here's hoping that today is just an eensy, weensy bit better. Love you, Mo.