Suzi...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Suzi...
9
Mon, 12-19-2005 - 1:22pm

u here? post to me if you can, okay? wondering how pdoc went, and how you are doing today...talk to me...i'm here for you.

love and hugs,

keli

Avatar for suziq_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: keli003
Mon, 12-19-2005 - 3:38pm

NOT GOOD...LAST NIGHT I HAD DINNER OUT WITH THE THE GUY WHO TALKS DIRTY to me & his wife & kids.my daughter burst into tears b/c she she's them as the ultimate family.
i tried to talk to my mother of my manipulations & she changed the subjects.
i tried to tel my h hows he's hurting me me & he saus i'm only hurting myselk

why did my t tell me to run awar to another stat?dors she wasnt my gonr?
she said she thinks mt pdoc is over the top expensive & is trying to fin me another but in my experience maybe findng another adds about8 tons nore stress to takinh me from to dr. i like.
is all this really worlth havinh me in thr world?
maybr for the rich dr. but no one else i can think of

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
In reply to: keli003
Tue, 12-20-2005 - 8:58am
Suzi, sorry to hear that last night was no better. I wish I had some comforting words or wisdom to offer you. I'll send some (((((hugs))))) and positive thoughts your way. Keep posting and keep hanging on. Love you, Mo.

mo 7-18-10

Avatar for suziq_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: keli003
Tue, 12-20-2005 - 9:55am
today all three kids have the vomits.i think dh is laughing in his head cause tomorrow is my expensive doc appt.heck i'm laughing cause there's a transit strike & he's gotta walk to the city.& back
so there.
he had one of his talks with me today & i am appalled by the lies he thinks are thruths.i demanded some of the money he owes me
"i thught it it was our money!!!!!"
(i won this money in an accident settlment way before i met him)i reminded him our shrink sais it is not our money it is mine.
i guess he forgot like he forgot alot of the cruelties he was told not to sling my way.
he doesn't even understand the wordsGET OUT OF MY HOUSE.
there is so much more & it makes my head & heart & soul hurt.
i never understood how someone could feel the urge to kill someone simply to get them out of their life.he surrounds me he suffocates me he chokes me he controls me.& i have no one to help me.i was passed off to him & i am all alone now.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: keli003
Tue, 12-20-2005 - 10:03am

suzi, what's going on honey? your posts are getting a bit more worrisome for me...those urges you mentioned are really concerning me...they aren't normal and they mean something is going on with your BP/meds/BPD.

are you taking your meds???? do you need to go to the hospital???

talk to me...if you want, email me...kelir123@excite.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: keli003
Tue, 12-20-2005 - 1:30pm
B U M P
Avatar for suziq_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: keli003
Tue, 12-20-2005 - 3:38pm
oh i know i need help.i reaally do.
my tdoc is talking bout finding me a more affordable pdoc & that make me nervous.but maybe its best.pdoc never called her like he said & that ticked her off & he didn't answer my suicide note.truth be told i don't even feel like talking to him tomorrow.h keeps putting the owness of everything on me & then demanding i say that i love him.& i won't.
i demanded he leave.
he says i'll wither without him.
he calls me nothing.
he takes from me...i spend not a cent on my self & he married into my house my wedding rings my silver my originals of james deam & marilyn monroe & martin landau & geraldine page on the wall & he'll alllowed the whole thing to go to ****.& he tells me stories of his friends moving into mansions w/ maids while i get my hair done for 5$ & my clothes handed down from my mother.he doesn't buy the kids clothes & there is nothing more i can give up fre him.he has never said thank you.
this is notthe life i chose for myself & he is like a cancer that will not let go & i would rather be dead than live this life.i hate him.imean it.i hate him for everything he has ever done & he insists its my job to forget or i am a bad bad bad bad bad bad bad person.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: keli003
Wed, 12-21-2005 - 10:11am

Honey...believe me when I say this...you are NOT a bad person...your H is trying to manipulate you into believing that because he KNOWS your illness will eventually have you believing it...do NOT buy into that! Do NOT!

If you really want him to leave, you can force him to do so...you will NOT wither without him...you will soar without him.

He's putting a real number on you sweetie, and you know he's wanted to keep you ill for a while now. Don't let him win. Fight, fight, fight...

As for the pdoc...if he didn't respond to your suicide note, YOU NEED A NEW PDOC! ASAP. Let tdoc help you find another and don't feel bad about YOU. You reached out to someone you trusted (pdoc) and it was HIS job to help you. He didn't. That is NOT your fault.

Stay safe today...keep talking to me. Okay?

Love you,

Keli

Avatar for suziq_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: keli003
Wed, 12-21-2005 - 1:53pm
he read them...he says he worried..he asked me to keep writing.
i thank you keli i adore you
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: keli003
Wed, 12-21-2005 - 1:57pm

Yes, do keep writing...to him and here...its one of the best things you can do...get it all out and don't hold the thoughts and feelings inside...that's when it gets bad.

love you