*trigger* trying to piece life together
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| Mon, 01-16-2006 - 4:18am |
I have been diagnosed with Bipolar, and things have been extremely down. The lowest that they have been in quite a while. The only thing that keeps me going is the fact that I have a boyfriend that I know, without a doubt, loves me and will always be there for me, no matter what. I love him too, and feel the same way.
Lately, things have been so bad that I don't 'feel' like I love him (I feel so guilty saying that). I continue to tell him that I do love him, because I know that I do....doesn't matter how I feel. Although, it is to the point that I don't care about anything, nothing matters, I feel so empty, I feel nothingness. I'm tired of this living this way, I don't want to do it anymore. I am constantly losing it with my boyfrined (I live with him), and my mom when I come home to visit. I am hurting all the people that I love so much, and that hurts me to know that. To know that they care about me so much, and are so worried....and then I come along and treat them like crap. I don't mean to, I try so hard not to, but I do.
For the last couple weeks, I have spent the majority of my time crying, over nothing. Nothing is right, everything is wrong....but in reality nothing is wrong.
The doctor is playing with my medications, try to find the 'right' combination. I haven't been able to keep myself together enough to get a job in the last year. I had one, but I got to the place that my life was falling apart and I could not handle it anymore. I want to have a job so that I can support myself, but I can't even handle living life day to day. I can't remember the last time I managed to get through a whole day without breaking down and crying several times. My mom had asked to doctor if there was any support (finacial) the I would be able to get. My doctor said no, that there was no reason why I could not work.
I don't know what to do anymore. All I know is that something has to change. I am sick of this life.
~Sandiey

beleive me,i understand what you are feeling & have all too recently been where you are.i even have a husband who "thinks" he supports me but gripes about the cost of my getting well...talk about pressure..........last week i sAW my doctor & he all but jumped up & down w/ joy b/c there was such a change between that last appt. & the week before.apparently i had told him that i had scheduled my suicide for jan 9th if things didn't feel better.i don't even remember saying such a thing but that's how bad a shape i was in.
there are ups & downs....yesterday i went to a social event & felt like a freak.BUT i also stood up to my husband & told him i was taking on a project that would involve me on the day he planned his grandma's birthday party....something i would never see myself doing even 2 weeks ago.i work when kids are out of school(i direct a camp....something i also would not ever see myself doing)& have started making arrangments for the next vacation session.the last one fell thru b/c i was feeling so bad.i'm just telling you all this because NOTHING CHANGED...i am still living with a man i don't even like,my kids still make me nuts..........but the MEDS worked.finally...& i'm telling you that it took perseverence & trust.
you are fortunate to have a doc who is working with your meds..there are some who don't bother.
so please,do what my doc in the hospital told me.for now,keep yourself safe,sheltered if you must.......
keep posting.
Hi and Welcome....
I'm so sorry you are having a rough time right now.
God could not be everywhere, so