Keli!!!! :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2004
Keli!!!! :)
4
Mon, 01-16-2006 - 8:31pm

hi babes!!!

everything's fine now, crisis is over. took thurs. and fri. of last week off. started taking meds again, lots of seroquel and slept and slept and slept. finally saw pdoc, i told him about su, psychosis, ed, etc., adjusted wellbutrin, seroquel. and had to check in with him every day and spend the weekend with my brother and his family.

feeling LOTS better now. lost a bunch more weight, hooray for me! ok, bad, whatever. but only you know! none of my clothes fit, and i cant afford to buy new ones, so i can only pull my pants up with belts now and hope they dont fall off, lol. poo. finally lose weight and cant even show it off cuz im so poor! i got myself into so muhc debt this summer when i was hypo its not even funny. i could go for some shopping right now. hmm... NO bad. very bad. NO SHOPPING!

okay, so i took more wellbutrin than i was supposed to today. i wanted to feel really good at work today so i could do good after having such a TERRIBLE week last week. it was the WORST week ive had in such a long time. i really didnt think i was going to make it. i really didnt even WANT to make it. i had just about given up. thank god for pdoc.

anyway... yeah, so i had a super good day at work today, and my boss is very happy, so i'm very happy. he must think i'm completely looney now, with the difference between this week and last week, lol. ok, so maybe i should cut back on the wellbutrin just a tad, before i have to be peeled off the ceiling. hmm... or not. i DESERVE this! i DESERVE to feel good! especially after all i've been through!!! bring on the a/d!!! woohoo!!!

love you girl!!! see you at lunchtime!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 01-17-2006 - 8:24am

OMG, I tried to find you all wknd on AIM...anyway, soooo glad the crisis is over and yes YOU DO DESERVE THIS! I'll try to check in later.

I love you, baby.

Keli

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2004
Tue, 01-17-2006 - 8:13pm

was at my brothers all weekend. sorry i missed you on AIM! this rots that you cant use excite anymore.

*******triggers, *si*, *ed*

just got home from dbt. ugh i hate it. youve gotta be truthful otherwise you might as well not go. so i was so proud that i havent si'd in days, but told them that i think i may have found a replacement bad behavior, and they went all nutso. coach said i may have waited too long to tell anyone, blah blah blah, and may have a full blown problemo. the thing is, its not even about being thin. its about doing it. when i do it, it takes away some of the urge to si. its like the act of doing it is self harm in itself. the ultimate self harm. with the added bonus of looking good. does this make sense? or am i really a freak? this bpd crap is making my head spin. i need a lobotomy. and i feel so strong with all that wellbutrin ive been sneaking, i'm unstoppable!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 01-18-2006 - 8:27am

Bethie,

No you are NOT a freak, or insane, or whatever you want to call it...you've simply found a way to control the SA crap in your mind...keep working with the DBT coach...she will help you...you're strong right now, and now is the time to work on it...wish I was strong...when you are, I'm not...and vice versa...maybe one day we'll be in sync...

I'll try to get back here at lunch...

I love you baby,

Keli

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 01-18-2006 - 12:27pm

Not doing well...at all...REALLY not doing well...big time SU thoughts (just thoughts) and SI and stuff going on...I am bad...I don't know what to do this time to get out of this...not going i/p, period...am so freaking depressed...can't call pdoc, what can she do???????? can't take a/d's...but i've crashed so hard...on 400 lamictal...i'm no good to anyone anymore...NO ONE. I'm mean all the time...or crying...or in pain...or depressed...i don't want to do that anymore...i don't.

i'm so lost.