Hi again

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Hi again
1
Wed, 01-18-2006 - 8:23am

I hate not having access all day at work...it might change, but for now, I'm sneaking on and off hoping they don't know...who knows...?

I'm a real mess...to be perfectly honest...the BP seems to be okay, but the depression is killing me...I've written "notes" for over a week now, saying how much "better off" i would be, blah blah blah...nothing to worry about, i promise...but i do write them...and i do feel that way. I feel like nothing will ever be any better than THIS. And I don't like THIS. I'm up to 400 mgs of Lamictal. Its supposed to kick in and level out the depression, but I just don't know...

The RA/Fibro situation is really getting to me. My dh says for me to "get active" and "walk" because that stupid freaking doctor said I should...but I can't...it hurts too badly to do anything...I'm trying to, though. Hurting or not.

I'm really broke right now too, and that never helps.

I could NOT go to sleep last night, so around 12 I took Seroquel, which I'm trying NOT to do...but I had to get some sleep.

I guess I'm going to call my PCP and get another referral to a different Rheumy and start all over again. Yes, I'm BP, but its NOT in my head...all this pain just can't be.

I'm so caught up at work...and trying to find things to do now to stay busy ALL day is hard. Middle of the month is very slow for me. So my brain can think of all the reasons why life is just so hard...poor me, ya know? I don't think this way, and I hate it!

I still feel so stuck...in this...in all of it...and that's so dangerous for me...I just do not know what to do or where to go or how to live, or anything.

Well, I didn't want to get all negative, but nobody understands...nobody...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
In reply to: keli003
Wed, 01-18-2006 - 10:03am

Yes, Keli, I do understand. Downtime, that is, unstructured time when my mind can just wander, is deadly for me. I go right where you go, self-pity. The "poor me's." If there's anyway to pull yourself out of that, give it your best shot. I hate that feeling.

Just a wonder, but since I've been taking lamactil my muscles and joints are really bothering me, and I'm an athlete. I ran 5 miles yesterday and did yoga last night and my muscles are still freakin' tight and sore (none of that exercise yesterday should have resulted in sore muscles because I've been exercising like that for years). Is it possible the lamactil is making your RA even worse? I'm a firm believer that there's nothing better than exercise when you're depressed. Running, okay, maybe not so much because of the pounding. But yoga is THE BEST, and if you haven't tried it, I so strongly suggest you do. It's just gentle stretching (or if you do ashtanga it can be pretty vigorous) but it wrings all the stress out of your muscles and opens up your blockages (chakras) to allow healing and positive vibration to pass uninterrupted thru your body (and no, I don't have beads hanging from my doorways and incense burning in my living room!!! LOL). Just a suggestion that works for me.

Nothing stinks more than having to look busy when you're not. Fortunately, I'm not in the position anymore - I usually am that busy and when I'm surfing around on here and someone comes in my office I have to minimize the screen and pretend I was working on something legal.

I sure hope you feel better soon, Keli. Do you think that not having access to this board during the day is also making you feel so depressed? Love, Mo.

mo 7-18-10