What is the stupid point? trigs

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
What is the stupid point? trigs
3
Thu, 01-19-2006 - 11:58am

I'm crashing again...it comes so fast. I can't stand it. I was almost in tears just now, twice. Why even bother with meds if they don't control it...if they cause it to be worse???? I'd rather be manic and crazy than this...

I feel like I'm losing my mind here...I have been on so many of every BP med there is...a/d's, a/p's, stabilizers...nothing freaking works and I'm just sick of it.

When someone asks me if I'm okay, like dh just now...I say, I don't know...and I don't. I say, its hard to say...and it is. I can't just say, I was doing just fine as far as I was concerned until now and now I am so down I don't care anymore...

Its a losing battle. I know that now. What I don't know...is how to deal with it. I don't know how to live like this. I do know also that I don't want to live like this. I just don't.

How can your brain go a million miles a minute, be so agitated, so up...so ALIVE...then crash down in to darkness...depression...hell. I don't get it...after all this time...all this so called education about my disorder, I still don't get it.

I just want my kid to hurry up and turn 18...that's all I want...for him to leave home...not need me anymore...I'm trying so hard to make things normal for him until then, but I am dying inside. I want to live again, but I have no hope left within.

How can I continue to fight this stupid BP crap if I have no hope?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2005
Thu, 01-19-2006 - 12:14pm

I don't really have the answer.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 01-19-2006 - 5:20pm
IT'S A SETBACK SWEETIE...THAT'S ALL IT IS....when you are feeling good you are an entirely different person.you just forget.
this will pass...call your pdoc asap.have you done that?
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Fri, 01-20-2006 - 9:44am

Hi Keli. I'm so sorry to hear what you're going thru. Yes, I wonder this all myself some times. I don't know whether we just focus so much on our mental state because we experience such dramatic changes over the course of days, or even minutes.

I'm feeling tired and down today. Why? I've got no freakin' idea. I don't know whether its meds for mania or depression hurtling toward me. I'm terrified of depression and I totally agree - I'd rather just be manic! At least my house would be clean, my work would be done and I'd be exercising my butt off!! But I've got to remember that manic I caused alot of damage in my life and made some horrific decisions.

Your post describes the thing that frightens me the most about this disease: it's progressive and I fear I might, probably won't, ever feel "normal" again. My moods change so dramatically throughout the day. Sometimes I wonder, as I said above, whether I'm just hypersensitive to any little change, or whether the changes really are that dramatic. And I never respond well to situations, my response is always overdramatic.

Sigh, Keli. Big hugs. I KNOW this is tough, especially when you're trying to life a live. We want so much to be okay, but have no control over our moods, thoughts, emotions, and little control over our reactions. I admire the fact that you're placing your DS above everything else, even your own issues. It's so tough to try to be "okay" for the kids when you really want to be in bed crying.

Hang in there honey. You are so not alone. Love you, Mo, whose struggling today as well.

mo 7-18-10