Need words for a friend

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2003
Need words for a friend
3
Sat, 01-21-2006 - 5:57pm

I have a fairly new friend - connected through our kids mostly - who suffers from bi-polar. From what I understand, this time of year is difficult for her normally anyway but a few weeks ago she was confronted with a very difficult issue from her past involving sexual abuse. This whole situation sent her into a huge tailspin and she ended up making the decision to be admitted to a hospital for further care (she is already on meds for her bi-polar but she was not managing well at all).

Anyway -all this to say that she has been in the hospital for 2 weeks and is supposed to be getting out in a few days. In the meantime, her dh told me that she is now accepting phone calls (up to this point, she wasnt really, and she was not accepting visitors). He gave me the number to call and - believe it or not - I'm terrified! I would so much rather visit. I could bring her a lovely card and a nice, cheerful bouquet of flowers and then sit and listen (this is what it would be like in my mind). Her dh suggested not sending a card since she is leaving in a few days. Anyway - I just dont even know where to begin with a phone conversation!! I know she has been heavily medicated but am not sure if she still is. I have sent messages via her dh (we have been in contact periodicaly as I have helped with the kids) saying I am keeping her in my thoughts and prayers but now what? I soooooo dont want to say the wrong thing! She seems so delicate and I am not that real, warm, fuzzy type that always knows how to comfort adults (great with kids, not so much with adults).

"How are you?" seems so inadequate and maybe too personal? (Does that sound stupid to say?) But - okay, let's say we start with that and she says she's doing better and looking forward to going home....Then what? Let's have lunch when you get back just doesnt seem right......(actually, she has an eating disorder, too, so I know she wouldnt want to do anything around food!). And, we dont really do anything together socially anyway - it's mostly just picking up and dropping off our kids with each other. To be honest, I think she sort of tolerates me and I dont feel like she views me as a close friend so I cant see myself really doing things like going over her house or taking her to the movies. I guess I'm just looking for some encouraging words to say to her. I want her to know that I care and that she has people out here concerned for her without calling her and saying, Hey I just wanted you to know I care and I'm concerned for you. (She told me once that she hates it when people look at her with pity or act like they are worried about her). Aaaaaaarrrrrggggghhhhhhhh! She does have a lot of friends and I know she will be all set with meals when she gets home and even have plenty of phone calls in the meantime but I dont want to just do/say nothing so.....Does anyone have any ideas for me??
(Somebody suggested I say or do what I would want done but to be honest, I would just want everyone to leave me alone. I'd want to hide under my covers for as long as I could. She isnt like me, though - she is very social.)

Avatar for missyflanders
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 01-22-2006 - 11:20am

I wish I had a good answer for you. I think I would just do nothing, if you are really not that close, as it may just look like pity. But, I am pretty antisocial, LOL. Maybe you can just send word through her husband or wait till she gets home and stop by to offer to take her kids off her hands for a few minutes. I am just not sure what the right answer is. Sorry. Maybe one of the other girls will be of more assistance.

Missy

 
 
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Sun, 01-22-2006 - 8:33pm

What would you say if you visited?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2003
Sun, 01-22-2006 - 9:36pm

Thanks, girls, for your replies. I appreciate any help I can get. Marci, you are right in that we used to be very good friends for about 8 months. She opened up to me immediately though and was so open that I was very drawn to her. You dont often meet people who are willing to be SO open with you. She is the most open person I have ever met and she would tell me the worst of the worst (the first thing she told me when I was just starting to get a little closer to her last year was that she drove herself to the hospital and asked for help! Later she would tell me when she lost her temper with her teen daughter and pinned her against the wall -- most people would not want to admit that stuff!). I cant tell you how much I admire her for her willingness to be so truthful and open with some of her worst moments. On the other hand, I THINK she was attracted to me because she saw me as a little more together. She's very bright and not so much of a fool to think that I had it all together but I have been a Christian for a number of years and having God and the stability of His word to use as a guide for my life, I believe, was what attracted her to me. She would also call herself a Christian and she attends church most Sundays so it's not like I was prostylatising (sp?). Unfortunately - though I tried with all I knew (and rarely even spoke to her in an advice giving way without praying first), I seemed to come across as a know it all in her eyes. Someone who wasnt willing to be wrong. I truly feel that she had high hopes in me and that I let her down. This is so sad because it isnt how I feel - I am often grappling for answers. I just believe that God's wisdom is ALWAYS better than man's so if I found a definitive answer in the Bible, for me - that was it. She often questioned some of this and I told her that - for me - if God said it, I believe it and that's all there was to it. In the end, we had a big blow out a couple of months ago where she yelled, swore, screamed and was viciously nastly to me. She had never even almost been that way to me before and I had never been anything like that to her. I can honestly say that - other than like on Jerry Springer or something - I have never even seen someone treated this way (maybe in high school). Even while this happened - and btw, she lied to others about me and said things that I said/did that were entirely untrue that really put me in a bad light - I remained calm and tried to see any truth in what she was saying (ie: do I come across like this even though I dont intend do?), it was a very difficult week with her calling me and ripping me to shreds. I felt sooooooo betrayed. I thought that I had been a wonderful friend to her and gave and gave and gave of myself. I put a lot of thought into how to love her and encourage her and support her, etc... I was honest with her about my weakness of not always being able to hold back my "advice" because I would feel like I was letting someone down if I didnt tell them something I thought could *maybe* help. I never expect people to look at me as if I do know if all or to agree with all I say - in fact, just the opposite. I know we are all just trying to figure it out and I enjoy just talking it out. I told her I knew I knew that I needed to sometimes shut up and only listen but was so confused as to when to do that (like I said, if you thought you could offer some words that just *may* help - shouldnt you?). In the end, because our children our SUCH good friends, she agreed to be friends. But it has never been the same. Now we are more like people who hardly know each other (even though we do). We keep our distance and are just surfacely friendly toward each other. She never apologized for the way she savagely ripped into me and/or the lies she told others (including her own family) that defamed my reputation. Without this, I feel I have forgiven her but that it's not really safe to go back into that kind of relationship with her again. It's weird, though, I still care about her IMMENSELY. I just cannot put myself into a situation like that again (and it does feel like a bit of a ticking time bomb). So - while I want to do something to acknowledge what she is going through and be some kind of encouragement, I am pertrified of saying the wrong thing and I know that stopping by is not what I should do. She does have a lot of other friends who live in her town (we are 30 min's apart one way) and I know she isnt without tons of support from her dh to her counselors to her other friends but you know....I would never want to give her the impression that I dont care.
Also, our children are older so they are all involved in diff sports (boys and girls) and in different towns. Her dh has the type of job that he is extremely flexible so he seems to have that under control with the help of some carpooling.

I have read that the worst thing you can do is say soemthing like, let me know if there's anything I can do/or any way I can help because usually people just cant bring themselves to ask. I think the bouquet in a couple of weeks is a great idea.

I so apologize for this long, long post. This has been like a grief period for me in so many ways because we were so close for those 8 months. I would have done anything for her really. This is the first time I have ever put it out there for input or criticism from outside observers (another thing I am not is a gossip and so I felt even more betrayed when I chose to keep to myself the things she did and said to me and she chose to make up lies about me). Anyway - I hope I am not coming across as self righteous. I am crying as I write this because I am only trying my best and truly have the best intentions yet I have failed and have suffered this attack and this loss that truly hurts to this day. I guess I have been disillusioned into thinking that if you love someone and try your best to communicate that, you get a great friendship in return (A+B does not equal C).